How?

How does she smile

A smile like mine?

A smile that is warm and calm gentle and kind.

But she smiles something different like when people trip or fall

When people cry or get injured she smiles

Bright and all, but how does she grin all the while?

I smile when people make me laugh,

When I watch a movie or a smile at someone walking past.

How does she manipulate my smile,

And use it as her own. It must be different in some way

Perhaps a slight sneer in scorn but no, how

Can our smiles reflect as opposites in a mirror, how

Can this be?

How can it be that she can smile the same?

This is how, it is the smile the same way I do

When I am happy am something, well someone succeeds

That kind of smile I do, except filled with greed and vanity.

And it is her eyes, my friends, which tell the true story

Of her cruel quest for overrated glory.

So, how does she smile like me

A black heart and a foolish mind,

That’s truly the difference.

I’m smilin a mile

Though danger might loom

My guardian angel will help

To save me from doom

She will disappear from my heart and my mind

And be left to bug others not so gracefully

But I am done, and her evil smile it doesn’t bother me!

What we used to be we now are

this past week has been spring break. 

I spent much of it with my mom.

Something magically happened.

We became what  we used to be.

There are hugs and joy.

She painted my nails blue and made delicious food.

But more than any of that we talk we smile and now.

We became what we used to be

My heart is so warm with the joy of what I’ve always wanted 

That closeness to come back like a sudden rush of wind.

I can barely contain my joy 

I may burst to a confetti of esctasy 

What Shimer means to me

What Shimer means to me

When I feel scared on the train 

When I feel angry because of fights that corrode my nights

about a condition that they pretend to understand I say stop, you don’t. 

When I feel angry being judged by my clothes, earrings, or shoes or head band or my jacket 

Instead of my character 

I remember with hope in my heart  that soon I’m leaving to Shimer 

I remember that it’s different here. 

I remember that it’s not perfect but it’s my safe haven

I have my classes where there is compassion and a real understanding  I joke openly and honestly with friends, true friends 

I laugh and sip coffee and smile.

We struggle through essays and colds and meetings together, helping one another. A United front.

I rejoice at the freedom to be exactly as I am never reduced to something I’m not, and liked for who I choose to be.

I go back home. I try to articulate my point and am met with adversity on the car ride home and instantly I want to go back.

I want to go back to feeling whole.

I fall silent and rush downstairs where there is my music my books and me. 

The giver and Taylor swift and Avril Lavenge and hamlet.

But.

In that moment there is no comfort.

Sometimes we get along and I don’t understand why we ever fight. 

Everything is suddenly kind and relaxed. 

Until I ask a question or say the wrong thing. Then I get up off the couch, I fold my blanket and go to bed with tears rolling down my face that I quickly wipe away.

The next morning is Wednesday I will be at Shimer all day and then there is assembly.

People grumble about the morning as I make coffee,  a tiny cup and iron my crisp white shirt. I have my lunch and backpack. I’m ready to leave. This time Im meeting the yelling about being late with kind words. I offer to bring a bottle of water from downstairs. 

The moment I step into the building something inside me changes. 

A sense of calm sweeps over me.

My friends and teachers are just beyond those steps. Open lounge where I eat breakfast is right there. My world is that floor and its inhibiates.

Here I am free to think, to say, to want, to be. To more than exist.

That is what Shimer means to me.

My explaination of Life

Some things are fixed only to be broken again. It is a test no one can pass, not even with flying colors. Some things break so that we finally pay closer attention to them; draw our conclusions based on pain. Because before the pain there was silence. Silence can tell you only one thing and that is that there is something wrong. Then gain maybe it’s just our imagination run a muck. That quiet kid in class or that silent relative at the holiday table. So we search for answers. Some of us have our own pain cast upon our family unintentionally but just because we don’t mean to does not mean the pain is not there. It is, it’s stabbing everyone. Taking turns torturing and tormenting. We give up most luxuries like friends, going out. Try to do everything on our own when really our heart bleeds for human interaction. To find someone that can process it. Not understand because how could anyone? Just need comfort. Tangible hands cradling you. A true friend, a place to go for daily refuge in this unforgiving place called Earth. To sit with us for hours not saying anything, just listening to music or the wind howl, wait impatiently for change. But we lose it. Somewhere along the way we just lose it. We melt apart into nothing and run like hell to cover our tracks until we can put the pieces in relatively the same place. Because they will never be together again. Not really anyway. Some pieces are lost, other still don’t fit the same, and a replacement is needed. We try, though, to keep our hurt hidden. We smile like the fools we are, laugh go through the motions lying to not only ourselves but everyone around us. We enjoy talents and continue to expand them, we fall in love, raise families, graduate from universities, travel the world, and yet pieces are still missing. It that because they are gone and we will never find them? Or is it that we, despite ourselves, have stopped looking?

The Kingsman

The beginning was so sudden, so jarring I didn’t know it was the same movie at the beginning. It morphed into something even more astounding. Colin Firth is absolutely breathtaking right away in words and action. He is bloody brilliant. The music is truly on point. The action scenes really jump out at you, no pun intended. The cimenography is stunning as the movie’s flow worked so well it truly captures a film in real time. The interactions of the actors really seems authentic. The chase scene absolutely blew my mind.

The music and that rush you get is simply unexplainable. You have to experience the rise for yourself. Judging people from your ivory towers brings the two lives of the main characters into perspective. Colin firth is so unbelievable as a fighter. James Bond, please. Colin firth is the real deal. Then come the quotes that rang out like bullets of knowledge, The suit is our armor and we are the agents. Many plots running at once. I think it’s about time a politician did something that actually made a difference turns out to be hypocritical. Capitalism is strong in this film. Colin firth excited on the screen. They eat McDonald’s which I think is a humorous jab at fancy food. That scene is done perfectly. They reference Bond in this film which is a funny irony. Cruelty, hatred, and greed are highlighting but not to be missed are how funny and inspiring this movie is. Again the words they say come at you like a flood. “Gentleman should only be in the paper three times when they are born, when they marriage, and when they die.” Being a gentleman has nothing to do with an accent it’s how he carries himself. “You know what I love about pen and paper? No one can hack into that.” What is unleashed by Mr. Valentine is the most utterly despicable wave of human destruction that I have ever seen technology cause. Now appears a plot twist that is so creative that you see it coming but it is still shocking. Truly, I’ve seen many movies this is unlike anything I have ever seen. The end has me in conflict. This concept of population control is scary because it could happen. The ending is a spectacle to see. Manners make the man. Our main character proves that in spades. This movie is not to be missed.

Memory Box

I’m carefully studying this place that was my beloved.
I’m walking carefully around my home.
I’m stepping in places that burst open a memory box deeper than any ocean.
I’m tiptoeing through comfort and growing up.
I’m pushing through painful times
I’m skipping through the joyous ones.
I’m reliving arguments and triumphs. Everything means something to me. That carpet we bought with mom and went out for coffee after. Those new couches my parents saved for. The wooden floors that I helped restore with my own two hands. The spot for the Christmas tree. My dads favorite spot to sit. The area of the coffee table I steam burned with a pizza box. The area that in my heart means thanksgiving. My brothers man cave that I watch project runway in. When I move out I hope all these memories are engrained in my heart. When I am on my own, I hope I remember the soup and the football and the Polish that made me who I am. I hope that this dream house keeps me grounded. I hope one day I found a house to fill with new memories that are half as good as those that are filled to the brim in this house.

Reckless Abandon

Nate glides through the air
Feet on the ground
The music he can literally feel in his bones, he told me so
Before he went to his own world
Through the pulsating beats
His hands carve designs so intricate
No one can follow
They watch and they try
They dance, unable to be in his world
So they marvel
They recognize an amazing man
Taking dancing to a different world
Each time he slices the air
It’s magic
To live in this moment is esctasy
I know joy in the fluid motions
That wrap his body up
It’s his tempo
It’s his temple
May it never cease to spin

Witness to pain

That pain in your eyes has been there for days.
I don’t want to ask, I’ll just get in the way.
The pain in your eyes it reflects on the lake
That anguish I wish so badly I could extract and take
Turn it to ice and let it shatter
Because after it melts it simply won’t matter
It will seep deep into the earth’s cracks and flow far away
While my hand in your hand will comfortably stay
I will listen if you need me.
I’ll stay silent if you don’t,
But if the pain becomes too much
Please express it how you want to,
And judge you, I won’t.
I will do anything to comfort that which takes such a heavy toll
And with all the love contained in my being I’ll fill the cracks in you to make you whole.

Speechless

I can hear my dad smile through the phone
His smile is wide and it is kind. It is not deceitful or trying too hard. His smile is not for attention or affirmation. It isn’t to prove a point or comfort. But it proves love and it comforts my heart. In my darkest moments his smile has been the light at the end of a never ending tunnel. I remember the table crashing down on my foot in crew. I remember the moment before I fainted in gym. I remember the swollen ankle after I fell on the ice. I remember the hospitals…. And most of all I remember thinking I need my father. And I think that is ok. He is my rock. As we talk on the phone, I’m coughing and had a long day. But I can sense his grin and my mind is at ease. I just hope that he has someone that is his smile. Then remember, that is my mom. I guess I just hope one day, in the not so distance future that I’m somebody’s smile on the phone. That in their most dire times that they know, yes Maria will help. Maria will comfort me. More importantly, I just want experience fully that kind of love that envelopes my soul with kindness, understanding and a love I cannot comprehend. Thank you dad, for showing me it’s possible by how you love mom, how you love me and how I love you.

Kocham Cie

Along the tracks

It’s spinning haphazardly
It’s hopping along like a baby chick full of life
It’s a joy, a splash of color
On these strange somewhat uninviting tracks
It dances a waltz with the wind, happy to oblige
A spirited and joyous dance
You cannot help but watch
The deep purple against a cloudy sky
The contrast is striking as the waltz continues
Then it’s over quicker than it began
Suddenly the train zooms by
All I can think is
Will I ever witness such a waltz
Will something so ordinary transform
Into something more?
More than a mere balloon…