The Forbidden Staircase

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I walk it everyday
I walk the forbidden path
I am crucified for what I can’t change
I walk this spiraling staircase alone
I walk with no railing
I walk and when I fall I leap up
I walk this perilous path
I walk to freedom
I walk to an education
I walk to find love
I walk for books I love and coffee I adore
I walk a new life where I discovered my strengths
I walk this path of joy
But it is a forbidden case of stairs to me
And sometimes I walk it alone.
I walk with my head up and a heavy heart.
I walk hoping to help others so we can walk together, never alone.

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How I feel right now: Agony

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Anxiety hits me like ice water down your back. The sudden shock wakes you up to a place of mental anguish you have not encountered yet.

The purple balloon on the tracks

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It’s spinning haphazardly
It’s hopping along like a baby chick full of life
It’s a joy, a splash of color
On these strange somewhat uninviting tracks
It dances a waltz with the wind happy to oblige
A spirited and joyous dance
You cannot help but watch
The deep purple against a cloudy sky
The contrast is striking as the waltz continues
Then it’s over quicker than it began
Suddenly the train zooms by
All I can think is
Will I ever witness such a waltz
Will something so ordinary transform
Into something more?
More than a mere balloon…

Soul

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The loneliness inside my soul is a caving, fiery hole. It threatens my joy and invites the darkness. It burns deep, not always but it smothers when it does. It smothers my mind and I die into a pool of invisible tears I refuse to cry. I’m unable to cry. I wish if I hugged myself it could comfort me. I wish I didn’t collapse so suddenly. One moment I’m strong and the next, I want someone to laugh with. To hold in my arms. To miss. To love.

Should I stay or Should I go?

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The frequent plight
Disturbs my night
I lie awake and say
I can bare to be unsure another day
There are benefits to both
One seeming to push me ahead
The one of comfort won’t bring me there
It will backwards instead
So I say move in to a place you have been to many times.
Use the chance you have!
Take the opportunity to live with
People that care about you
Because they say the time when you are most scared, that’s when you jump.
So I move off the ledge and I fly.
See you on the other side.
Better.
Stronger.
Happier.

Speehless

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I can hear my dad smile through the phone
His smile is wide and it is kind. It is not deceitful or trying too hard. His smile is not for attention or affirmation. It isn’t to prove a point or comfort. But it proves love and it comforts my heart. In my darkest moments his smile has been the light at the end of a never ending tunnel. I remember the table crashing down on my foot in construction crew. I remember the moment before I fainted in gym. I remember the swollen ankle after I fell on the ice. I remember the hospitals…. And most of all I remember thinking I need my father. And I think that is ok. He is my rock. As we talk on the phone, I’m coughing and had a long day. But I can sense his grin and my mind is at ease. I just hope that he has someone that is his smile. Then remember, that is my mom. I guess I just hope one day, in the not so distance future that I’m somebody’s smile on the phone. That in their most dire times that they know, yes Maria will help. Maria will comfort me. More importantly, I just want experience fully that kind of love that envelopes my soul with kindness, understanding and a love I cannot comprehend. Thank you dad, for showing me it’s possible by how you love mom, how you love me and how I love you.