Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman…

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Only a Few good days pass

Before I relapse into my other self

Before my body and mind collapse into rage and fear

Before I cannot feel anything

Before my anxiety and paranoia take over

Before I shatter as I hit the abyss

All I can do once I’m at the frigid depth

Is not plunge all the way to the end

Before everything is lost

Before everyone I know leaves me

Because I know I’m a monster

Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman

Who loves books, burgers, football, and poetry

Who loves her friends and family with her entire heart

But all my joy was spilled out and ripped apart

Before I become the nothing I feel

I have to swim out of the abyss

And until I’m out of this cycle of pain

All I can do

Is tread water

So I don’t drown

And get swallowed up by the illness that threatens to take everything from me

I have to fight to stay above water

I have to battle

But more importantly

I must not give in

I must destroy what harms me

Only then can I truly defeat the abyss and win back my life

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Lasts and firsts: Cheers to the new year

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Last cup of smooth coffee

Last stunning sunrise

Last calming shower

Last page of my book

Last embrace from my dad

Last football game

Last sip of hard cider

Can I stop the flow of time?

Everything is now so divine

But there are so many firsts waiting for me in 2018

First cup of coffee

First sip of champagne

First hug from my family

Maybe first and last first kiss

First snowfall

First call from my grandma

First time on the ice

First time at the library

Cheers to all the calm and frenzy in this year

And a toast to all the firsts

In the next year

To health, happiness, and bliss

To all the things I have and the things I miss

To another year of wonderful firsts

I send my love and wishes and more

Because there is so much wonder 2018 has in store

My favorite plaid shirt

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Deep red, almost crimson and navy checkered pattern

So soft and irresistibly comfy against my body

Smooth cream buttons down my chest

Delicate, smooth collar and the top button open

Exposing some skin, letting it breathe

Calm floods my entire body from warmth

Comfort overwhelms my soul

Never want this feeling to end

Want this feeling to keep me whole

Envelope me with joy

Frenzy of Emotions

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Love. It is a grand concept only, until we fall. You think about all these spectacular scenarios and kisses in the moonlight, because the imagination wants a grandiose, over the top euphoria. You think about sharing an intimate dinner and sharing a warm blanket during a movie. Perhaps it would be appropriate to define love at this point. But how does one explain that feeling where a switch is flipped for some, for some it is gradual, and others instant and still others some other version. That’s getting there, that’s not love. I think love is feeling like you’ve found someone you can no longer endure life without. You need their voice, their touch, and hopefully to be loved by them. Love is having an atrocious day, but it is easier knowing you have someone who will listen. Love is being a bit mad but recognizing that now colors are more vivid, food taste better, and fabric is softer because love has heightened your senses. Once we fall, we realize our assumptions that were just created were wrong. We think we know what it will be like. That we’ll be happier than we’ve ever been. That we’ll smile when we hear their name. That just being near them will send us into a mind frenzy of emotions.

“Who cares if one more light goes out? I do.” – A call to help with unimaginable pain

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I have personally dealt the with the desperate feeling of facing
the edge of disaster… for help call, Please call 1-800-273-8255
It’s the suicide hotline. Please if you are struggling know that
I love you. That I care if you live.

Because I personally was on the cliff
I felt horribly, and helplessly alone
Not listened to by anyone
I curled up into a ball
Too numb to even omit a sob
Not wanted by a single soul
Crashing into hatred of myself, of everything I have become
Like a complete, utter failure
Like a total loser, no job, no boyfriend, no car, worthless
Pain, horrible devastating pain
That no man wants to kiss and love because of my illness
I felt worthless, cold despair
I wanted my pain to end
I wanted to go away and escape the pain

Somehow I told someone about it
I reached out but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do
The hardest to expose my vulnerability
Tell someone my darkness thoughts
They were pitch black dark thoughts
And worry what they would think of me
I had to tell, I had to realize I was worth something

If you are struggling please know there is help.
People love you.
You are worth loving and living.
You are precious.
You have so much to offer.
You feel helpless and alone.
But Hold on.

Talk to someone you trust.
They won’t judge you because they care.
They love you and want to help
If you feel you have no one like that
Please call 1-800-273-8255

We have lost millions of beautiful souls
No longer glowing
Who cares if one more light goes out?
I do.

Please, I know when life feels like it’s not worth living.
Feel your feelings, cry your tears, hell smash a vase if you have to.
Please, hold on. Break the silence. You can do it. I believe in you.

Please listen to Hold on by Derek Hough

Day by day
Everyday
Is a battle
Is a battle
Loosing faith
A fight each day
For survival
For survival
She said
Will anybody even know
If I’m gone
I can’t take another night alone

And I said
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah

Looking back
With every breath
Feeling shattered
Shattered
You did your best
Got nothing left
Doesn’t matter
It matters
She said
Will anybody even know
If I’m gone
Cause I can’t take another night like this alone

And I said
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
When you’re falling down
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
Oooh yeah

When everything comes crashing down
You know
You know
It’s harder when your lies come out
You know
You know that
You can
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me

When you’re falling down
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
Oooh
Hold on
Hold on to me

Blurred vision

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Blurred vision

Dizzy with precision

I stare at a ceiling I cannot see

And think thoughts I cannot fathom

I never falter because

I’ve done this many times

I cannot see without my glasses

Absolutely clueless to sight

So with blurred vision

Dizzy with precision

I stare at a ceiling I cannot see

And think thoughts I cannot fathom

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