Everytime… (throwback)

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Every time I see your face
I’m suddenly slowly my pace
Then you turn away…
I feel my heart breaking
Every time I hear your voice
I stop and listen, by choice.
Then you walk away.
I fear my headache is here to stay

Every time you talk to me
I hide my love for thee
Then you just leave
I’m left to grieve
Every time you say “we’re friends”
I want to be more
Then I imagine you with her (the talking never ends)
I know my hope is out the door
“We’ll always be friends”, I know
But more than that, no.
For every time you look at her
I know you are never going to look at me
That way and slowly my hope for love
Fades away…

Dancing

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A piano plays softly now
We meet in the middle somehow
Our bodies touch, and suddenly
In this world it will be just you and me.
Nothing sexual or rough
Your hands not tough but soft
Are on my waist
My eyes meet your eyes
That was a pleasurable surprise
As your penetrating stare becomes
One of longing, of pure love
I glimpse into a heavenly paradise
Beautiful blue glamorous green
Compose this island-like scene
Long after the music has ceased
Moving slowly on a cloud
Not sexual or promiscuous or flashy
But a starry-eyed love
Please, don’t abandon me tonight
For along with your leaving leaves my light
I can’t risk never seeing heaven again
And only in our dance
Can it be found

Feelings Flying through my flesh

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Feelings Flying through my Flesh
I cannot comprehend
These feelings that have amassed in my mind
They are so horribly, shockingly strong
I literally cannot breathe another breath
They, thoughts, tug mercilessly at my collar and choke me
Suddenly, without warning, they let go!
There is a calm stirring
But The Feelings of worry are growing louder
So I lie down on the pale blue carpet
Flat, dark room, relaxed
I set a 15 minute alarm
Then I go away in my mind until I am almost asleep
When I get up I feel so incredibly alive
I can breath
My collar has let go, a great release
The fresh air flows so much that I’m drunk with air
Praise the Heavens
I am calm

Fly

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Between all of the awful things that keep happening I hope this is the last. I want the bad things to stop hitting me like a train. My body cannot get over the shock of one before the next one strikes. I need a break. It’s so much to happen at once. My soul is crumbling apart. Happiness, joy, love, and balance are hemorrhaging out of my system and bitterness, angry, and sadness are being sucked in their place. I want the good things back. It’s like when I was a little girl and I was drowning. My uncle got me out of the cold water but not before a good scare. This time the water is colder. It’s deeper and more vast and opaque. And I can’t keep my head above water. It is like there are weights attached to my legs hell-bent on filling my lungs with water and taking me away from Earth. I keep ripping them off but new ones lock on tight. No one can save me. I need to do this on my own. The weights off. And swim fly jump just get away. To happiness, joy, love, and balance.

Wishes from my Youth

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A sudden dread creeps up my spine
It no longer can align
I search in vain for what to do
When my life is so undone
I’m no longer having much fun
Going through the motions
Is making me weak
Pretending I’m content
Is making me sick
Although cold has swallowed the world
I dwell outside
I want answers
The wind brings with it clarity
The wind brings with it all I see
The wind brings change
I lay under the giant tree from my childhood
I lay a different person
A woman, no longer a little girl
I wonder what my future is
I ponder when my luck will change
And I get lost in those moments
That the little girl inside me created
And the little girl inside me
Still wants more than anything
As a little girl, I desperately fought for those things
For a job that makes me happy
For a man that makes my heart sing
For children to love
For a dog to walk
For a place of my own
For a car that hugs every curve
For a life that is mine
Troubled and happy
Delight in disorder
I fight even harder now, but I can’t seem to get there
Perhaps I should fight with the tenacity of my younger self
Young Maria believed in dreams
Young Maria believed in everything
Young Maria was blissfully happy
Perhaps I can go back in my heart
Perhaps those powerful wishes
From my youth, can rise up again

Follow my lead

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Read the best books
Climb the highest trees
Swim the deepest waters
Reach the highest mountains
Eat the biggest ice cream cone
Buy the car you want
Buy whatever you wish
Wear those shoes
Wear that coat
Sing that song and loud
Dance until you pant
Right that wrong
Decorate
Paint
Stroll
Drink
Run
Whatever you are meant to do
Go forth and do it
If you are afraid to
If you are hesitant
If time has stopped you
If fear has
Don’t worry
I will fold up your fears
I will hold you hands
Follow my lead

Don’t you dare love me, Don’t you dare help me, but hold me as I do

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Beneath the sheets
Beneath the layers
Beneath the content nature
Of me
Beneath the conversation
Beneath my calm demeanor
Of me
Is someone searching
Is someone swimming
Is someone diving
For meaning
Behind the smile
Behind the laughter
Behind the banter
Behind the neat, tidy, polite, loving me
Lies chaos
Lies flames and fires
Lies fear
Lies regret
I’m a jumble of pieces
That equate to my soul
I want to figure it out myself
Don’t you dare try
Don’t you dare help
I need to desperately do this for myself
Don’t you dare care about me
Don’t you dare love me
I don’t want to take you
Shake you
Break you
It’s too late though
I know you do
Your stare
Your glare
Your grin
You soak me in
Much to my chagrin
You don’t just allow me
You want my jumble of pieces
A part of your whole
Don’t you dare help me
But you can hold me as I do

To Protect him

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He’s ill again
I mean, he has a condition
Several actually
I have to suspend my worry
But I have to
Protect him from stress
Protect him from getting worked up
Protect him from noise
Protect him
I stay quiet
My own pain festers and swells
My own pain threatens to swallow me up
My own pain suffocates me
I put up a book to read
And suddenly I’m out of the water
I can breath
My relief is temporary
My pain begins to fester again
But I’ll do whatever I have to
To protect him
But, in all of this, who will protect me?

Drunk with it all

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I pick it up

It looks innocent enough

I swallow it in less then a day

It’s so gripping I cannot stop

I cannot help myself

I continue with another one

I continue until I’m drunk with it

With the cover, the binding, the pages, the scents, the stories

I drink the stories in

And when dread overwhelms my heart

I reach for another

Obsession of the best kind