Don’t you dare love me, Don’t you dare help me, but hold me as I do

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Beneath the sheets
Beneath the layers
Beneath the content nature
Of me
Beneath the conversation
Beneath my calm demeanor
Of me
Is someone searching
Is someone swimming
Is someone diving
For meaning
Behind the smile
Behind the laughter
Behind the banter
Behind the neat, tidy, polite, loving me
Lies chaos
Lies flames and fires
Lies fear
Lies regret
I’m a jumble of pieces
That equate to my soul
I want to figure it out myself
Don’t you dare try
Don’t you dare help
I need to desperately do this for myself
Don’t you dare care about me
Don’t you dare love me
I don’t want to take you
Shake you
Break you
It’s too late though
I know you do
Your stare
Your glare
Your grin
You soak me in
Much to my chagrin
You don’t just allow me
You want my jumble of pieces
A part of your whole
Don’t you dare help me
But you can hold me as I do

To Protect him

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He’s ill again
I mean, he has a condition
Several actually
I have to suspend my worry
But I have to
Protect him from stress
Protect him from getting worked up
Protect him from noise
Protect him
I stay quiet
My own pain festers and swells
My own pain threatens to swallow me up
My own pain suffocates me
I put up a book to read
And suddenly I’m out of the water
I can breath
My relief is temporary
My pain begins to fester again
But I’ll do whatever I have to
To protect him
But, in all of this, who will protect me?

Drunk with it all

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I pick it up

It looks innocent enough

I swallow it in less then a day

It’s so gripping I cannot stop

I cannot help myself

I continue with another one

I continue until I’m drunk with it

With the cover, the binding, the pages, the scents, the stories

I drink the stories in

And when dread overwhelms my heart

I reach for another

Obsession of the best kind

Leave me smouldering…

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Pain smashing holes in my agony
No job – Slam
No lover – Smack
No apartment – slash
Can’t drive a car – slam
Can’t find a purpose – smack
Can’t find a reason to smile – slash
There’s slams and smacks and slashes
Burning holes in my soul
Leave my smoudlering
Let me be the one to save my soul
Can I constrain the cells?
Can I contain the pain?
Can I compartmentalize the parts until I’m okay?
Can I make myself whole?

Please, spill the light

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It’s so dark in the realm of my tunnel
I’ve dug it out myself
Cold, miserable, dirty, alone, and lonely
It’s creepy here
Eerie, a pin could drop
And it would be an explosion to my ears
I’ve dug this tunnel so deep
I fear the light
I fear love
I fear hope
I fear warmth
Better to be sad
Better to be lost
Better to be alone
Better to cold
That to have love
Then fall and crumble
But could light ever spill into my tunnel?
Could a sliver of hope ever sneak its way in?
Could I find the strength to climb out?
No, so could you come to me? Keep my company.
If only so the desolate loneliness could be crushed.
Could I ever escape my tunnel of pain?
Tunnel of confusion
I’m so lost,
Please, Spill the light
Like a fire
Ignite my lonely heart with your fire
Teach me to want, to long for the light

Where do I want to go?

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I can’t get anywhere
I walk through the fictional worlds of all my books
Stacks of them
I travel through snow, spring, cruel winds
I experience love, joy, pain
But in reality
I can’t get anywhere
The tears they sting
But I just stare
Because since April
I feel like
I can’t get anywhere
I don’t feel success
Sitting at home cleaning and reading
Feeling useless
Waste of space
Watching lives go on
In front of my eyes
But not because I don’t want to
Not for lack of trying
Because I’ve tried til I’m black and blue
But I can’t
I can’t seem to get anywhere
The bigger question I cannot seem to answer:
Where do I want to go?