You are the reason

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Everyday I wake
A huge breath of fresh air I take
I think about you when I am up
Colliding thoughts of us
I make such a fuss
Of showering, brushing teeth, cleaning the house
But when I think of you
I’m calm
It washes over me like a calming wind
Because I know in my heart
The reason I smile all the time
The reason I jump out of bed
The reason I’m myself
Or a better version of myself
The reason I’m giddy
I’m a million things at once
I’m a wild rush
I’m madly in love
I’m a mess
But I’m happy
I hope you are too
Because I love who I am
And You
You are the reason

Unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight…

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I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.

I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,

Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you

I did.
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
I imagined.
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.

Be My Escape

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This song makes all of my emotions stick out at one point. I came upon it by accident, suddenly entranced when a second ago I was nearly asleep. Sitting at the spot light so far away, I turned off my headset, letting go of communication with the other technicians to listen. Again I have it memorized and everyday coming home after a long day of crew, I love listening to the idea of having a special person that would be my escape from this world of pain, drama, and cruelty. I mean nothing bad would happen if I had that escape, because we’d be together and he’d protect me. The beginning “blending in so you won’t even know me” and the last few lines “I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was safe my own skin
Ohhh but so were you
So were you.” I think he is saying someone has to be the bigger person and both unfortunately are just trying to save themselves from hurt, unwilling to take that chance.

Better Than Me

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This song, I have memorized, listening to countless times. I can relate so much to the singer. I came upon it by accident, just like I came to find a new love for a certain individual. I actually do miss his hair in my face. We never went out, but I told myself to stop missing him. But since I lie to him everyday, like at the beginning “with all the lies that I made you believe” I love the melody of the song, it speaks to me, and the guitar at the beginning draws me in. When I feel lousy, awful, and rotten this song tells a realistic tale that I appreciate to hear. I love to imagine the “box of notes” “that time at the mall.” Hinder dishes out these sweet lyrics that break me heart, because I feel the reality behind them. Sadly, my self- esteem isn’t what it used to be and sometimes I think anyone could do better than me.

It doesn’t have to end this way

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“No this is not goodbye
I swear that I’m gonna
No baby, please don’t cry
It doesn’t have to end this way…

Because when I have to think about the nights I’ll be alone
I get terrified
Please don’t say goodbye”

I want hear those words just once
Could someone want to fight for me?
Could someone actually want me?
Could someone care?

Is any of that ever going to come to fruition?

My Prayer

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After the dust settles
After I have mettled
In things I shouldn’t have
For all the things I didn’t do
And all the things left unsaid
Or worse all the things I shouldn’t have said
Let there be
The only thing that is left
To repair my heart
To repair the human race
To repair all that is broken
And protect what is not
To ask God for mercy
To ask for an easier life
Or the will to survive this difficult one
Please God
I pace
And then
All that’s left
Is
Prayer

I don’t want to beg for love (fusion)

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That I’m still breathing, I’m hopeless now…”

“I’d climb every mountain
I’d swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what’s I’ve broken
Because I knew you to see
That

You are the reason…

If I could turn back the clock
I’d make sure the light defended the dark
I’d spend every hour
Of every day
Keeping you safe…”

This song almost always makes me cry
Because I want to sing it to you
I already love you so much
But will you love me back?
I need you to hold me tonight.

Please.

I’m dying inside. Giving all of me until I’m drained.
Because “all of me Loves all of you”.

“Love your curves and all your edges
Love your perfect imperfections”

Please

I don’t want to beg for love
I want you to see my face, eyes and see my heart
Hear my voice, read my words
And feel my touch and know that it’s me
That I am your reason

What these songs mean to me

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Hinder- Better than me (please listen to the entire song)
This song, I have memorized, listening to countless times. I can relate so much to the singer. I came upon it by accident, just like I came to find a new love for a certain individual. I actually do miss his hair in my face. We never went out, but I told myself to stop missing him. But since I lie to him everyday, like at the beginning “with all the lies that I made you believe” I love the melody of the song, it speaks to me, and the guitar at the beginning draws me in. When I feel lousy, awful, and rotten this song tells a realistic tale that I appreciate to hear. I love to imagine the “box of notes” “that time at the mall.” Hinder dishes out these sweet lyrics that break me heart, because I feel the reality behind them. Sadly, my self- esteem isn’t what it used to be and sometimes I think anyone could do better than me.

Sugar Cult – Pretty Girl
I put myself in the place of “pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything”
“She’s beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men” Like in the song, I am under this spell. Aware of evil men, but I am blinded by initial kindness. The beats of the song, the desperation in his voice, the distressing tone that sometimes can make me shed tears because the words are spun beautifully together. Hopefully I will “find out what his intentions were about.” It is a song about how a pretty girl must be strong on the inside, even though sometimes the pain cannot be helped. I think it is a good touch how some places his voice is soft and other times it is harsh, like the refrain of the song.

The Beatles – Yesterday
Changing gears a bit, comes The Beatles. I love their mellow tones and catchy, captivating lyrics. Sometimes I think we all long for yesterday. A blast from the past, to feel good a little longer, before the phantom of tomorrow takes it. Also how love is described as a game we all play. I love to sit on the couch and listen to Tonia play it on the piano while I sing it. This song although it is sad, brings happy memories forward for me. I like the instruments in the background as they add subtle appeal to the voices. I can fall asleep thinking about yesterday, it makes tomorrow less scary to look in the eye.

Reliant K – Be my Escape (Please listen to entire song)
This song makes all of my emotions stick out at one point. I came upon it by accident, suddenly entranced when a second ago I was nearly asleep. Sitting at the spot light so far away, I turned off my headset, letting go of communication with the other technicians to listen. Again I have it memorized and everyday coming home after a long day of crew, I love listening to the idea of having a special person that would be my escape from this world of pain, drama, and cruelty. I mean nothing bad would happen if I had that escape, because we’d be together and he’d protect me. The beginning “blending in so you won’t even know me” and the last few lines “I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was safe my own skin
Ohhh but so were you
So were you.” I think he is saying someone has to be the bigger person and both unfortunately are just trying to save themselves from hurt, unwilling to take that chance.

The Fray – Heaven Forbid
A horrid day. From the moment I woke up, something was wrong. Fighting with my mom is always a bad start to a day. In school, my expectations socially and academically are far too high. Getting yelled at for not being perfect, I grab my I-pod, and actually for the first time imagine – “heaven forbid I end up alone and don’t know why” Honestly, besides the lovely instrumentation I only listen to this song when I feel I have lost hope in not the world, not my friends, or family, but in me. This song says “take a breath, just take a seat. You’re falling apart and tearing at the seams” that is how I feel, tearing apart at the seams, starting to show to the world that hey! I can hurt too. I’m not bullet-proof emotionally by any stretch. “Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow you’ll be alright”

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars
When I hear this song, I melt into the floor in love. The video implies what the song intends. I love the idea of chasing cars around our heads. I love that fact that the phrase I love you is inadequate to this singer for I can see how it could be. The English language can be so lacking sometimes when it comes to these things so he asks, “would you lay with him and just forget the world”. That is the one you love. The one that stops time and the world for you and you go with him. This is actually my ring tone, one that is loud, one that is melodic and mushy, and one I adore. It makes me wish I could just freeze time or speed it up to fix what shattered in my life. This song is final though, it is a yes or no. There is no thinking about it for a few days. The singer wants to know and know now. I have learned from a teacher time heals, but not the time you choose. So this sappy idea of a picture perfect romance only convinces me on a good day.

StoneSour 17– Zzxyz Rd
(Actual band, actual song)
The song has some latent anger that I think I can relate to because he can only imagine it. It makes me think of poetry of writing because the piano makes me weep. The piano is a lament a release of pain and suffering. He is at wits end. I feel just like this man. Can’t sleep, thinking of the pile of broken promises and lies. The thought of life forgetting about you is so heartbreaking. He is lost truly lost. I feel like this sometimes. Then when the second acoustic part comes I picture someone close to me leaving. The imagines he picks are raw, blunt, and simply sad but he sings the truth, he wants to fade away. He wants to live but he doesn’t really know – at the end it seems like he is screaming bellowing about being tired, but having to go. I feel like that, like my mind wants a million things to happen at once. The guitar is a delicious little interlude there, but I wish his voice was more soothing. Or perhaps harsh, rhythmic tones are what he needs to get across.

Landon Pigg – Can’t let go
This is a laid back mellow tune. Some others I chose are harsh, desperate, or empty inside while this one is just a balanced scale of music with lyrics. An honest man, saying he simply can’t let go. Men should be honest like him! “It’s not that our love died, it just never bloomed. Can’t move on from the past” I almost think the melody should be frustrated or anger with this anger tone, but he seems kind of happy be him one-sided love, simply repeating that he can’t let go, and without lifting a finger she is holding him back, I like that idea of being kind of under this spell.

Josh Groban – Now or Never
A splinter in the light, it’s been hiding there inside for all this time- this melody is a song you can’t turn off. It puts an intoxicating spell, the urgency in his voice, the piano background. -No one’s fault no black or white, only you and me on this endless night- This song could very easily be worked into to a poem the blare of his voice is so inviting to me. He has a song powerful voice that he doesn’t need to commercialize his products; his fame and fans love his voice the most. Not trying to sell an image, he catches my heart and attention and never lets go. On my I-pod, I will play him after a stressful day of crew and school and everyone in the car thinks my smiling that the lyrics is a little weird, but I can’t help imagine his words, crystallize them into reality.

The Killers – Glamorous Indie rock and roll
This song takes me to a difference Era and a different place. “It’s in his soul it’s what I need, indie rock and roll, it’s time…
Two of us, flippin through a thrift store magazine, she plays the drums I’m on tambourine, bet your bottom dollar on me” this song makes me feel reckless and impulsive, spontaneous and urgent. I feel anger that I can tunnel into energy – like shattering glass, something final like that. “Let’s cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens” That is the spur of the moment I feel, like declaring love or visiting an exotic country. “Making up breaking up what do you care?” This vocal combined with the eclectic instrumentation makes me and this sing complete.

Frank Sinatra – Unforgettable
Lavish gifts. Expensive houses and cars. Cell phones, laptops, I-pod, Plasma screen TVs. Designer label clothes and dining at five star restaurants. Exclusive buildings, after school activities, parties. All of these things are a part of the life I know. Wants and needs clash and become the same. There no longer becomes a dividing line between life’s needs and frivolous odds and ends, like a daily Starbucks fix. This song makes me feel for once, not guilty of what I have, when so many have so little. But is it all worth anything, if I am unhappy? Some many have less but really much more. They have love, a person that takes them for who they are, cares about them unconditionally, loves and protects them, and balances them. Loneliness is a window of myself that people rarely see, and I like this song because it gives hope that someday, to someone I will be this exquisite unforgettable woman that is being depicted. “Someday… how the thought of you does things to me… forevermore that’s how you’ll stay… my mind’s eye takes the piano and creates a moonlit waltz in my future.” Only Frank Sinatra can create an entire evening from a simple song.

To Shimer with Love: I dedicate this song

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You Are The Reason
Calum Scott
There goes my heart beating
‘Cause you are the reason
I’m losing my sleep
Please come back now
There goes my mind racing
And you are the reason
That I’m still breathing
I’m hopeless now
I’d climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I’ve broken
Oh, ’cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
There goes my hands shaking
And you are the reason
My heart keeps bleeding
I need you now
If I could turn back the clock
I’d make sure the light defeated the dark
I’d spend every hour, of every day
Keeping you safe
And I’d climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I’ve broken
Oh, ’cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
You are the reason
I’m a little sad
Just a little sad
I’m a little sad
I need you to hold me tonight
I’d climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I’ve broken
‘Cause I need you to see
That you are the reason