Are you the definition of insanity, or am I?

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This song sends shockwaves through my soul.

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You are the reason

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Everyday I wake
A huge breath of fresh air I take
I think about you when I am up
Colliding thoughts of us
I make such a fuss
Of showering, brushing teeth, cleaning the house
But when I think of you
I’m calm
It washes over me like a calming wind
Because I know in my heart
The reason I smile all the time
The reason I jump out of bed
The reason I’m myself
Or a better version of myself
The reason I’m giddy
I’m a million things at once
I’m a wild rush
I’m madly in love
I’m a mess
But I’m happy
I hope you are too
Because I love who I am
And You
You are the reason

Unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight…

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I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.

I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,

Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you

I did.
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
I imagined.
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.

Be My Escape

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This song makes all of my emotions stick out at one point. I came upon it by accident, suddenly entranced when a second ago I was nearly asleep. Sitting at the spot light so far away, I turned off my headset, letting go of communication with the other technicians to listen. Again I have it memorized and everyday coming home after a long day of crew, I love listening to the idea of having a special person that would be my escape from this world of pain, drama, and cruelty. I mean nothing bad would happen if I had that escape, because we’d be together and he’d protect me. The beginning “blending in so you won’t even know me” and the last few lines “I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was safe my own skin
Ohhh but so were you
So were you.” I think he is saying someone has to be the bigger person and both unfortunately are just trying to save themselves from hurt, unwilling to take that chance.

Better Than Me

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This song, I have memorized, listening to countless times. I can relate so much to the singer. I came upon it by accident, just like I came to find a new love for a certain individual. I actually do miss his hair in my face. We never went out, but I told myself to stop missing him. But since I lie to him everyday, like at the beginning “with all the lies that I made you believe” I love the melody of the song, it speaks to me, and the guitar at the beginning draws me in. When I feel lousy, awful, and rotten this song tells a realistic tale that I appreciate to hear. I love to imagine the “box of notes” “that time at the mall.” Hinder dishes out these sweet lyrics that break me heart, because I feel the reality behind them. Sadly, my self- esteem isn’t what it used to be and sometimes I think anyone could do better than me.

It doesn’t have to end this way

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“No this is not goodbye
I swear that I’m gonna
No baby, please don’t cry
It doesn’t have to end this way…

Because when I have to think about the nights I’ll be alone
I get terrified
Please don’t say goodbye”

I want hear those words just once
Could someone want to fight for me?
Could someone actually want me?
Could someone care?

Is any of that ever going to come to fruition?

My Prayer

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After the dust settles
After I have mettled
In things I shouldn’t have
For all the things I didn’t do
And all the things left unsaid
Or worse all the things I shouldn’t have said
Let there be
The only thing that is left
To repair my heart
To repair the human race
To repair all that is broken
And protect what is not
To ask God for mercy
To ask for an easier life
Or the will to survive this difficult one
Please God
I pace
And then
All that’s left
Is
Prayer