Full moon

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As I got out of the car

Last night

I stared up into the sky

It was after 9

I knew you’d be out

Through the lush trees

Real beauties

I saw your powerful glow

I was taken aback

Staring at it

Wondering who else is looking at

The moon, the way I am

Throwback Thursday: Something I found in a journal from a decade ago

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I was madly out of my mind with love… And after all the lazy days and being friends, after I walked around my final weeks as a senior year as an android. I was in SO much pain. I was numb. I cried myself to sleep. Food had no taste. I did not feel physical pain any more. I hammered my hands to a bloody pulp in crew one day before I noticed they were bleeding at all. It was an accident, I just remember seeing my hands and thinking what have I done? Then I felt surges of pain, my hands begging choking why? What is going to happen to me? Will I always be half a soul? I was DEAD inside. And for years I went over every detail like that would help. Like it would go back and erase everything if I just think really hard, close my eyes. I would strip off all my clothes. I would feel the cold swallow my naked body. Be naked. Fold those clothes nicely in a pile, take a hot bath, and when I got out every thing in the world would fix itself. I would dry off with a velvety soft purple towel, lotion my body, brush my now silky hair, put on my favorite comfy clothes and pretend nothing’s happened. It is toxic. It is the absolute worst kind of poison for your body. It will make you either strong or break you! It destroyed me. It corroded my brain. A wind storm blew the files of my brain and scattered them around. Razor blades tore up any belief or hope I had for love. Like being stoned to death. Or drinking bleach. Or falling off a cliff. I do not trust anyone. Anyone! I was a ghost in a beautiful world but I did not see any beauty. I saw ugly. I regret allowing myself falling into this pit of hurt and I could not climb out. Just kept digging and digging until I could not hear or see anything. Then I dug a little more. My private place. Any relationship I have, I do not know what to think when a guy says something. What does it mean? I see visions of Keith in my head. Visions. Spinning, dizzy visions. Penetrating my mind, burning a hole in reason. Playing like skipping CDs. Like broken blades of a blender spinning. It is as if I am watching a horror movie and I cannot close my eyes. I cannot beg for help. The guitar and the painting with me. The comfort of clanking tools. Now? If I ever see him again I feel wobbly the whole day. One time so far and let me just say no thank you. And cannot sleep, because I feel like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t, but I know that kind of pain where you want to be locked in a tower. An unforgiving tower. And burn it to the ground while still inside. Dark. Lonely. Frigid.  Like stabbing pains.  In my mind, it’s still a blur. Spinning. Screaming. Blurry. Foggy. Prick, Prick, Prick. Little Stabs. Prick, Prick, Prick, Prick.

Breath

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I dream of perfect nights and perfect days

When you leave me in a stupor, in a haze

Where you sweep me of me feet

Your heart so genuine and sweet

As you go in for our first kiss

I would be remiss

If I were to dismiss this

Right before our lips touch

Your smooth even breath

If we weren’t right for each other

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Maybe we weren’t right for each other

But why do I feel this way inside?

I felt like if I saw you,

Part of me would want to hide

I wouldn’t want to be around

A person I loved so much

But when I tried to be close to you

It seemed you didn’t want my touch

After all the things that have happened,

The new guys, the dates

For some reason it’s for you I wait

Is it a mistake that I want to see you again

One more time

To know for sure that

That you would change on a dime

Is not realistic

But why do I miss you so much sometimes

If we weren’t right for each other?

High on the List of things I hate (Throwback)

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High on the list of things I hate

Broken rulers, being dreadfully late

Burning something or worse leaving it uncooked

Going to a hotel only to find out they’re booked

Self- help books and a huge flood

When my brand new shoes get caked in filthy mud

 

Cruelties towards an animals or human soul

Finding out your favorite team lost by one goal

When your dress tears apart at the seams

You wish that it was a sequence of bad dreams

(Yes I even hating the wishing, the lies we have to tell ourselves to stay okay)

When nature’s fury causes us to question our fate

These are high on the list of things I hate

 

When you end up questioning everything you’ve ever done

If you have not, it is time you’ve begun

When you look in the mirror and

You truly don’t love it, you take your hands and pray

When you have a craving for something and the store is fresh out

When you’re baby cousin does nothing but screech and shout

 

But something I don’t hate per say but

Something that makes me cry when it occurs this way

Is when I am sad

And no one knows why

Instead of advice or comfort of any kind

They sit there stuck on rewind

No knowing that the only thing worse

Then any problem, burden or curse

Is facing  this world alone

Sunburn

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Six days ago I went for sun

On a beautiful Memorial day

The wonderful world it was so blue

I read on the beach, I had to stay

When I left to buy some lemonade

To quench my thirst

It was my mom who saw it first

I burned instead of tanned

That first night of sleep was the worst!

But I had a lot of fun with my good friend

And today as my skin peels

I learned for next time

To proceed with caution

But I don’t regret the fun

To the class of 2017. No rushing. Savor the moment.

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That warm, rainy day was filled with so much rushing

Rushing to dress

Rushing to put on makeup

Rushing to eat breakfast

Rushing to gather guests

Rushing to get through the rain

Rushing to get everything in order

It felt like it was going to fast

When was I going to stop and admire the day?

Finally once I sat down for the ceremony

Of my college graduation

There was no rushing

No sir. Not anymore.

There was only kindness

There was cheering

There was clapping (so much clapping)

There was reverence for teachers and students

There was so much love in the room

Love for Shimer

Love for my teachers and staff

Love for the students

Memories of my time came flooding back

Memories of different pieces

It was surreal

The speeches truly special

Our school song

Much different than most others

Sung by a man with a big heart, a guitar, and a raspy voice

During that ceremony there was harmony

After the ceremony there was chaos to eat

To take pictures

To meet people

To introduce people to my family

But

During the ceremony

I remember most

My walk across the stage

That moment when I became a graduate, hugging my president, my friend

Nothing would ever be the same

Now over a month later

I reflect

And I deeply appreciate

That they gave us that special time

No rushing

Savoring the moment