I’ve been here all along, all alone.

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Is anybody out there?

I’ve been here all along.

Praying
Pacing
Spacing out
Screaming
Silence
Agony
Sharp
Numb
Cold
Fear
Running
Darkness
Tunnel
Noise
I startle
I strain to hear…

Is anybody out there?

Can you take this weight of mine?

It’s choking me.

I’m drowning with the weight of my world on my shoulders.

I’ve been here all along, all alone.

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Can you lead me to the light?

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So very Cold
Prick Prick Prick
Such deep Coughing
Sick Sick Sick
Trembling Sad
Weep Weep Weep
Sudden Noise
Creep Creep Creep
Intense Fear
Yell Yell Yell
Blazing Sad
Hell Hell Hell
Daylight?
You? You? You?
Is it you?

Cry

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I’m scared of the dark
And who might be lurking there
I’m scared of going outside at night
And finding someone hiding there
I’m scared of storms
I’m scared of planes
I’m scared when hail
Comes down when it rains
I fear tomorrow
I fear today
I fear that I will waste away
From all this fear

I’m scared of running
Running so fast
That I’ll be at the
Edge of the Earth
And run right past
I wish that you’d come
To hold me at last

But I hope you
Don’t come to me
Because more than the
Planes or stalkers killing me
I’m afraid of your mind games,
Afraid of you hurting me
I fear this more than anything

My heart will never heal
With these feelings
I will always be left alone to deal
All I want is an explanation, a reason
Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds
And left me here to cry

Screaming and Silence

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But without a job and
Without him
Without those two things
It feels like I just go through the motions
It feels overwhelming and numb
It feels like screaming and silence
Want to be thankful
I have a roof over my head
I have an abundance of food
I have a place to sleep
I have a loving family
I have good friends
I have what I need
But what if those two things I want
Are also what I need?
Are there a handful of some magic words I can say
And then everything will be okay?

Self-destruct

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You gave me all the love
All the love
In your quiet, subtle way
That’s why it meant so much
Although different worlds
Different views
Different accents
Different beds
Different skies
Different states
You listened to me
You were patient
You tried to push me
To get closer
You opened up to me
I freaked out
I ran away
I fell on my face
Now far from grace
I’m so blue
Trying to get close to you
Am I even breathing?

Unravelling because I’m at arms length

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You hold me at arms length
Not letting me in
I hurt you more then once
Not aware of my destruction
Until you told me fully
I wonder
Can you keep me close
Can you love me most?
I crave your good mornings
And your good nights
But I get occasional hellos
We talk like we barely know each other
Slowly things inside me start to unravel
Slowly things inside me shatter
When you explain how unwanted you felt
When I left you
I try to explain I was scared
I try to to rationalize my actions
But you deserve so much more
You say trusting me will take time
I should be happy you are giving me a chance
But I rupture
Because I miss us
I know you guard your heart
I know you want space
I know it’s my fault
But inside my brain, there are chemicals
And they won’t fade
I hope you can forgive me
Because it feels so hallow so numb
Without you