I cannot explain why. I love you with my entire heart. My dreams flow with you in them which once was okay but is now my living nightmare. I wait all day for the night to escape you and you appear like a curse in my thoughts. You led me thinking we were something we were not. You were so kind. Why were you so kind to me if it all meant nothing? I told you all my secrets and you did in all fairness tell me yours. I find it difficult to impossible to compose anything of significance for my broken heart wants peace. Why I still think of you is because you said we should no longer speak. The crazy thing is if you wanted me back I feel I’d bend. However, a man who doesn’t believe in my schooling or my dreams is not someone I should be with. I want to write everything down. But I’m not ready right now.
I ride the train dreaming of our future even though we have no present. I dream of sleeping peacefully in your arms. I dream of us together. God, how much I have to hold back tears. Currently I am listening to Human by Christina Perri, and I’m crying because you broke me. You conditioned my soul to believe things and they are not reality. I want it all to stop. I want my brain to stop functioning because it leads me to you so frequently I cannot bare it much longer. You are ever present in things you shouldn’t be. I love you so much. Maybe I am delusional and don’t know basic concepts because the louder your silence the louder my anguish. I want to put thinking about you away for now but I’m not ready right now.
Little things remind me of you. Foods and TV shows… burgers and the big bang theory… I am so torn up I’ve become shredded wheat. I think the healthiest thing to do would be to move on. My texts go unanswered and my hopes dwindle. I’ve heard it said that the first cut is the deepest. This severing of communication without closure hurts. The silence chokes me. The pain engulfs my lungs and I pray for a way to rid my being of these feelings that are shredding up my brain, my thoughts, my mind. I ASK FOR PEACE. GIVE IT TO ME< SPARE ME THE AGONY THAT CORRODES MY HEART, BODY, and SOUL.
I spoke with a friend and we have a true insightful conversation. I realize I am ready. Our dates were wonderful though they made me so nervous. I always trusted you when we drove in bad weather. At the end of each date we would both lean over and hug. After the third date which we spent eating boneless wings that gave me a stomach ache and burned your tongue to the core, we went to the bookstore because the movie The Book Thief was not playing for a while. We twirled around the store glancing at all the books. I was so happy that you loved Barnes and Noble the way I did. We stood silently shoulder to shoulder and carefully picked up various books that peaked our interest. We shared interesting, funny, or shocking passages. I remember most vividly the accessory selection and talking about nail polish and you saying you did not like pink. I showed you my hot pink nails and you said you did like those. I heard only sincerity in your voice. There were these carved wooden hands and I didn’t understand why the men’s hand was bigger. You put up your hand and we compared. It was a new feeling, maybe it’s because it’s just hands touching but there was something more. We watched the movie which left me in tears. World War 2 movies tend to have that affect on me. However, once we left I started wondering if we’d finally kiss that night. We hugged and I thought about just kissing you. I really did. I walked back to the house wondering. The next day was quiet but finally in the evening you sent me a message informing me of what a wonderful time you had. That is was the best since April something 2006. I remember with great certainty that was when you came to this country. What I don’t remember is how your feelings went from that to nothingness. I wonder about 2014 the year of confusion. The year we hung out, then spent the summer apart. We saw each other On October 25 when my purse got stolen. It was your protection of me that made me wonder if you didn’t like me, why care the way you seemed to? I’ll never get my answer because a few days later you informed me that we shouldn’t speak after a fight we had. You were mad I had feelings for you and mad I called you mean and cruel. I apologized so many times but it was too late. There are so many unanswered pieces to this puzzle. On December 23, 2013 we exchanged gifts and you caressed my cheek and I held your hand. Two days later, on Christmas you broke it off. I realize now that writing all this down only further confuses me.
What helps is knowing that well, I don’t know why. But I know that clearly we were wrong for each other somehow.
We were two pieces that didn’t fit. And I almost destroyed myself trying to make them fit…
The email I received from you after wishing you happiness was not closure but destruction. You sent hate towards me after I wished you all the happiness in the world.
Part 2 is short. Because I’m not destroying myself trying to make those puzzles pieces that were us fit anymore.
Part 2 is the end of our chapter. I shut it with all my power, but the winds open it so often. I hope one day it will shut forever. That I can forget all the awful things you claimed.
You claimed that I didn’t care, wasn’t sorry and didn’t know the meaning of the word sorrow, that I didn’t ask you to text me when you got home as a sign of my not caring. You claimed I thought the world revolved around me. Worst of all you saw me at the station for MONTHS, thought I saw you and I ignored you. I NEVER SAW YOU!
That I threw our friendship down the sink disposal. That I didn’t show affection.
I never saw you and I begged God that I would have.
We were always more than friends to me. So, I hope that the anger that caused you to write that email goes away. I loved you, and just because you couldn’t see that doesn’t mean I deserved the cruel set of sentences that I received.
I want to heal my heart. But, I worry about running into you at the station. And what I should do if we meet…
I on the phone
And he’s there
Taking off his sunglasses and talking to me. I don’t know what to do or say and much to my dismay no apology ever comes from him. I ramble on. I graduated, my twin is getting married, I don’t travel here often. Then I ask, what’s new with you. He holds up his hand displayed a silver band and says, I got married. I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel like I should be his and he should be mine. I only realize the relief much later. We talk briefly about weddings. He talks about a friend 60,000 in debt because of a wedding, but he is not in debt himself. God, I wanted to say bye and leave. Why did he approach me this time?
I am on the phone in front of Union Station, and before he even removes his sunglasses, I know. I know it’s Mike. I feel like I’m seeing a ghost. I feel alarmed, strange, and uncomfortable. I feel so many things that I’m numb. But I’m kind to him. Later I decide that’s just who I am. So is “who I am” a fool?
He says at the beginning that he never thought he’d see me again…that he didn’t know what to say… and so I ramble. Instead of getting answers. But why would I dig up the past? We hadn’t seen one another in 3 years. His last email was over a year ago. (I sent one in January 2016 reaching out for closure. He emailed back in March with a string of cruel letters, so I blocked him.)
I need more time to process this. But it felt like he wanted to say more. I don’t know what.
I know two things.
I don’t want him back.
I also don’t want to feel hurt anymore. And seeing him, I remember screaming in anguish. His words – flames against my bare skin. And God did I burn.
(My numb feeling, I recognize later is actually deep, piercing pain. I begin dreaming about him, thinking about him. It hurts so much and I cannot make it stop. I’m trying but you were in my dreams tonight and you kissed me. And I woke up in shook, realizing you will only ever kiss me in my dreams.)