Unravelling because I’m at arms length

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You hold me at arms length
Not letting me in
I hurt you more then once
Not aware of my destruction
Until you told me fully
I wonder
Can you keep me close
Can you love me most?
I crave your good mornings
And your good nights
But I get occasional hellos
We talk like we barely know each other
Slowly things inside me start to unravel
Slowly things inside me shatter
When you explain how unwanted you felt
When I left you
I try to explain I was scared
I try to to rationalize my actions
But you deserve so much more
You say trusting me will take time
I should be happy you are giving me a chance
But I rupture
Because I miss us
I know you guard your heart
I know you want space
I know it’s my fault
But inside my brain, there are chemicals
And they won’t fade
I hope you can forgive me
Because it feels so hallow so numb
Without you

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I hope I’m worthy

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It was my fault
I don’t know what to do
I ran from your affection
And I deeply hurt you
In my dreams
It seems we are meant to be
In reality what are we?
Can we come back to christmas eve?
To when you said “I love you, Maria.”
It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard.
I tarnished it.
I thought you would see
Why you should give up on me
But you forgive and try again
I hope I deserve your love.
I hope I’m worthy.

Spinning our own disasters…we can’t see through the rain

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I thought it was because of my tears
But we can’t see through the rain
Because we are too preoccupied
With natural disasters of our own
Don’t say that I’m the instigator
We’re too busy spinning tornadoes of feeling
And you are too busy
Formulating hurricanes
To notice
The wind, the rain, the storm of you
Is slowly wearing me down
I’m dissolving like the tide
Because in your anger
The already fragile bones in my body
And the branches of my spirit
Have snapped

You are the reason

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Everyday I wake
A huge breath of fresh air I take
I think about you when I am up
Colliding thoughts of us
I make such a fuss
Of showering, brushing teeth, cleaning the house
But when I think of you
I’m calm
It washes over me like a calming wind
Because I know in my heart
The reason I smile all the time
The reason I jump out of bed
The reason I’m myself
Or a better version of myself
The reason I’m giddy
I’m a million things at once
I’m a wild rush
I’m madly in love
I’m a mess
But I’m happy
I hope you are too
Because I love who I am
And You
You are the reason

So we can beat as one

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I keep hoping we are meant to be
Everytime you talk to me
But right now you are so busy
Doubt seeps in
I begin to stress out again
I strive for some balance
Worrying all the time is my Achilles heel.
I keep hoping we are meant to be
Everytime you talk to me
I hope tonight you are less busy
So I can connect my heart to yours
So we can beat as one