Unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight…

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I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.

I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,

Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you

I did.
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
I imagined.
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.

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Human Nature

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Everybody hates liars
But everybody lies
Does that make us hypocrites?
Everybody loathes death
But everybody dies (eventually)
We simply fear the inevitable.
Everybody hates cruelty
But everyone is cruel
Denial is our worn out tool.
Everyone hates learning
But everyone goes to school
We go because we have dreams and we want to convert into those dreams.
The only thing that would change that
Is if your action your lie, or cruelty shatters, ruins, or crumbles
Someone else or you
And if they forgive you
Well anybody can forgive if they try but not every
Can forget
More importantly
Can you forgive yourself?

The opposite of another you

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Another you to hug
Another you to hold
Another you to laugh with
Another you to listen to me
Another you to care
Another you to understand
Another you to watch movies
Another you to eat dinner
Another you to peruse bookstores with
Another you to miss
No
I don’t want another you
You left me
You abandoned us
You didn’t care one bit
You went your own way without a second thought
You left me to stare
You left me cold
You left so bold
You hurt me so much
I shivered at the idea of seeing you
I want someone to truly care
I want someone who won’t just leave
I want someone to love
I want someone to kiss
I want someone I will miss
I want someone to be there
I want someone to stay when things are hard
I want someone through think and thin
So really,
I want literally the opposite
Of another you

I saw you

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After a rough night
My dreams took flight
After a long hard, depressing day
I count on my dreams to take me far away
After pain and tears
After all my fears
After problems and lack of a job
Swallow my life
After all this fills me to the brim with strife
I go to my bed
I wrap around my covers
And instead
Of happy dreams to calm me
I see something else entirely
Through the fog and mist
It was your lips I kissed
Not even in the land of dreams it’s true
I try to escape but I saw it,
I saw you

We are all shipwrecks

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Misguided souls
Trying to turn back
Lost in a long, perilous journey
Filled with regret or hope
Attempting to remain somebody
But until then
I, along with all of you
We are just floating along in this life
When really
Despite our greatest efforts
Despite everything we do
Water is pouring in through every crack
We are sinking
Drowning
Until repairs can be made
Until we are no longer afraid
We all make mistakes
And for now
I’m afraid
We are all shipwrecks

Fall Apart

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I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart
When someone ingests and pukes out your heart
I wish I had known from the start
I would have never allowed that,
If only instead of stupid I had actually been smart
I want to cry and the time, I guess
For so long it has been beyond sublime
But that joy I had was just jumping the gun
For I no longer have any fun
The tears they run
Run really fast down my face
I’m spinning through time through space
The beautiful colors I once used to see
Are warped distorted and ugly
The reds and blacks stream together
Like a car crash in rainy weather
The blood and the dark
Blend with the rainy blurs and make their mark
Everything I think of, everything I want
Is just a taunt
Because I can’t allow myself happiness now
I’ve created my own fatal flaw, how?
I’ve stepped in the trap, lonely and confused
Mad, sad, angry, dismal, and used
I’m stuck staring at the car crash that is my life
I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart

The “Other America”

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When one is taught about World War II, the genocide of six million Jewish people and other minority groups is usually first to come up. We have all heard dreadful stories about the Holocaust, which came about though the mind of Adolph Hitler. The “final solution” was the German dictator’s plot to rid the world of human life that did not quite meet his outrageous expectations. This might lead one to inquire as to the untold story of the Polish troops and their struggles in their portion of the world. How come we almost never hear about what they went through for the safety of their county? Even though they didn’t win, they put up a fight- like a knife in the dark that you don’t know about. Just like the Polish general had to clash with the Nazis, Pharaoh and Lafayette were forced to encounter dangerous gangs, only on a much different level. The “Other America” is like the stories that are never told, those whose fears are never recognized until it is too late.
Alex Kotlowitz alludes to brushing off violence and its consequences quite often. Almost always it seems our protagonists are off on the railroad tracks or buying fast food so that they can avoid thinking about their father or their neighborhood. Paul survived through a drug overdose because of LaJoe, who pulled the syringe out of his arm and called an ambulance. This incident didn’t change Paul’s actions, and he soon survived another overdose. This particular neighborhood does not help. It is definitely not one that you might see advertised on t. v. or read about in the newspaper. Henry Horner is a place located in the deep South of Chicago, where violence was portrayed as a harsh reality that even the smallest child was bound to face. Pharaoh was never a child for he was never permitted a normal lifestyle. Often he dealt with inescapable shootings correlated with the Vice Lords, a gang that resided in Henry Horner. Even if Jimmie Lee would be some how killed, the violence won’t cease. If anything it would intensify.
In Pharaoh’s America, he had to dodge bullets from gangsters whom he knew or might have even encountered on the streets. Lafayette never helped either, for although he defended Pharaoh, the younger brother always appeared to want to break free of Lafayette’s pressures and demands. Absorbed in school work, it never appeared that he would be drawn into their world and he never was. He realized that to kill innocence people and then act like everything was fine is just ridiculous. The society of the “Other America” is shaken by poverty, poverty on a significant level. LaJoe thankfully had food stamps and other ways of supporting the family, but compared to myself and other parts of the U. S. of A. they were in desperate conditions.
Lafie, as his mother called him, was found guilty of committing a crime, and although never drawn into the black hearts of the gangsters, he came close to following in his older brother’s footsteps, steps which were much like the boy himself- certain but watchful. Lafeyette had in fact, packed his bags and waited to be sentenced to prison for a long time. Although he didn’t go to jail, one may never be certain of what curve balls the streets of Henry Horner may throw mercilessly at the two boys. One thing is for sure, Lafayette and Pharaoh will never take things for granted in the “Other America.”