I was madly out of my mind with love… And after all the lazy days and being friends, after I walked around my final weeks as a senior year as an android. I was in SO much pain. I was numb. I cried myself to sleep. Food had no taste. I did not feel physical pain any more. I hammered my hands to a bloody pulp in crew one day before I noticed they were bleeding at all. It was an accident, I just remember seeing my hands and thinking what have I done? Then I felt surges of pain, my hands begging choking why? What is going to happen to me? Will I always be half a soul? I was DEAD inside. And for years I went over every detail like that would help. Like it would go back and erase everything if I just think really hard, close my eyes. I would strip off all my clothes. I would feel the cold swallow my naked body. Be naked. Fold those clothes nicely in a pile, take a hot bath, and when I got out every thing in the world would fix itself. I would dry off with a velvety soft purple towel, lotion my body, brush my now silky hair, put on my favorite comfy clothes and pretend nothing’s happened. It is toxic. It is the absolute worst kind of poison for your body. It will make you either strong or break you! It destroyed me. It corroded my brain. A wind storm blew the files of my brain and scattered them around. Razor blades tore up any belief or hope I had for love. Like being stoned to death. Or drinking bleach. Or falling off a cliff. I do not trust anyone. Anyone! I was a ghost in a beautiful world but I did not see any beauty. I saw ugly. I regret allowing myself falling into this pit of hurt and I could not climb out. Just kept digging and digging until I could not hear or see anything. Then I dug a little more. My private place. Any relationship I have, I do not know what to think when a guy says something. What does it mean? I see visions of Keith in my head. Visions. Spinning, dizzy visions. Penetrating my mind, burning a hole in reason. Playing like skipping CDs. Like broken blades of a blender spinning. It is as if I am watching a horror movie and I cannot close my eyes. I cannot beg for help. The guitar and the painting with me. The comfort of clanking tools. Now? If I ever see him again I feel wobbly the whole day. One time so far and let me just say no thank you. And cannot sleep, because I feel like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t, but I know that kind of pain where you want to be locked in a tower. An unforgiving tower. And burn it to the ground while still inside. Dark. Lonely. Frigid. Like stabbing pains. In my mind, it’s still a blur. Spinning. Screaming. Blurry. Foggy. Prick, Prick, Prick. Little Stabs. Prick, Prick, Prick, Prick.
I never thought
We’d actually stop
Speaking, let alone completely
Stop being friends.
After four years of friendship,
Birthdays and holidays
Old habits, traditions are dissolved to nothing.
Stopped talking. No more exchanged
Stories, lives, advice, humor.
To no longer hear your distinguished voice
Is like dangling over the open azure sea.
I’m utterly petrified of
Plunge past you
Into the unknown.
The weights of doubt and guilt
Are drowning me
My lungs screaming and
I come up for air alone
It’s almost as if
You were never there.
Like an entire empire has crashed.
Paradise is lost.
I lean on your nonexistence shoulder
And collapse to the ground
Bruised, broken, and bare
Every vulnerable piece exposed
Every petal composed
Of something lovely that will never be.
I don’t want to hear anyone telling me
The cliché comfort
“I know how you feel.”
Really, because if so then you must hold a solution
You don’t. (That’s what I thought!)
To go from close friends
To two people who simply don’t know each other
One clinging to the fragments that are
Left, the other only too quick to throw the best-selling novel
That was our friendship away.
To discard it like an empty juice carton
You sucked the life from.
Just like you sucked the life from me.
Some things are fixed only to be broken again. It is a test no one can pass, not even with flying colors. Some things break so that we finally pay closer attention to them; draw our conclusions based on pain. Because before the pain there was silence. Silence can tell you only one thing and that is that there is something wrong. Then gain maybe it’s just our imagination run a muck. That quiet kid in class or that silent relative at the holiday table. So we search for answers. Some of us have our own pain cast upon our family unintentionally but just because we don’t mean to does not mean the pain is not there. It is, it’s stabbing everyone. Taking turns torturing and tormenting. We give up most luxuries like friends, going out. Try to do everything on our own when really our heart bleeds for human interaction. To find someone that can process it. Not understand because how could anyone? Just need comfort. Tangible hands cradling you. A true friend, a place to go for daily refuge in this unforgiving place called Earth. To sit with us for hours not saying anything, just listening to music or the wind howl, wait impatiently for change. But we lose it. Somewhere along the way we just lose it. We melt apart into nothing and run like hell to cover our tracks until we can put the pieces in relatively the same place. Because they will never be together again. Not really anyway. Some pieces are lost, other still don’t fit the same, and a replacement is needed. We try, though, to keep our hurt hidden. We smile like the fools we are, laugh go through the motions lying to not only ourselves but everyone around us. We enjoy talents and continue to expand them, we fall in love, raise families, graduate from universities, travel the world, and yet pieces are still missing. It that because they are gone and we will never find them? Or is it that we, despite ourselves, have stopped looking?
It’s is the body really omitting all the tears, at first
It’s shaking slowly then violently, sobbing
It’s a deep puncturing cry that the soul feels and reacts to
The soul squirms at first, it cannot handle the pain the body feels.
The soul in its wisdom tries to comfort the body, doing everything it can to relax the body, stop the agony.
It calms, it strokes the body trying to make the pain flow away.
It omits happier memories the happiest it possesses, working tirelessly to cease the storm.
It does not always work and chaos ensues.
So the soul begins to cry along lacking in its comfort, causing the cry
To be an entire other level of pain, hurt, despondence.
The pain becomes unbearable as the body and soul are both under attack at the same moment.
The soul and body unite in a level of pain the human within the body has not felt before.
It’s upsetting and when it finally ends
When the shaking stops and the tears no longer flow something happens to the soul.
The soul now has a deep, ugly mark
One that over time heals, sometimes…
How appropriate it is that on his 73rd birthday, I with great joy, honor, and love write this piece.
The Theory of Everything encompasses joy and love in a way I never thought possible. As the actress said On good morning America, it is about the love of physics and the physics of love. This film has brilliant acting and cinematography. It’s a rush to watch and see the evolution of genius in a subtle and explosive manner. It’s message is to never give up. And Stephen defies all odds medically and with his conclusions about the universe.
The Theory of Everything blends a scientific and personal world. Chaotic and complicated emotions were rolling across my body as the story unfolded. To see such self sacrifice and then an ending that was sad was heart retching in a strange way but I think Steven Hawking is one of the strongest human beings to go through that and not give up on exploring the world and not giving up on love. The portrayal of his suffering blended with perseverance was magnificent. Please, do yourself a favor and see magic when you see “The Theory of Everything”.
He was there
With tiny red slippers and a jade hat
The devil parades
If there is a sudden
Disease running through the town
If building are crumbling
Because of natural disaster
Down the dust pedals fly faster
He spawned them specifically
A bully that damages my mind
A noise that made me shiver,
A car accident that could have been me
Hurricane or typhoon
A burn on her hand
Drugs on the cargo train
A nightmare, a shooting in Ferguson and New York
A dog chasing you down the street
Red runs, blood you stagger on your feet
Someone decides not to catch you
Lost your job
I know in my soul He was there
Animals dying because of spilt oil
Floods and the toil of rebuilding
Death coming in a manner
You would not say out loud
Because it would make your head speed up
And make you hate what you just said
Make your feet slow and you puke
So many children gone, so many grieving families
The world stunned and shaken to its very core
The Taliban responsible, the devil within each one of them
He was there
Red slippers, jade hat
He is around
Proceed with caution
And remember he can always be beaten
He can always be beaten
It’s like a needed break that I cannot take
Not a minute, let alone an hour
Will spare my brain, body, and mind
Of those ridiculous, unlikely, impossible, heartbreaking
Thoughts of you
These thoughts they come in clusters like unwelcome bugs
They swarm my mind
From behind and I’m cornered nothing I can do
Will dispel the thought of you
I avoid your name, the music that I love that you played
But reminds me instead of your soft gray sweater and
The smoothness of your hair
I once thought together we’d go far
It’s obvious the solution is there isn’t one
Waiting on a star, NO,
Inside embedded in my head
A tattoo, a permanent scar
Comparable to a raging fire
That cannot be contained
Comparable to immeasurable amounts of pain
The electric impulses are frying my brain
Sending out messages I don’t want to read
Sending out a truth I don’t want to see
Sending an SOS that made it too late
Numb realization, bordering on obsession
I formed this crystal clear opinion of you
The one who steals my thoughts
The one who knows my secrets
The one who lies, and grows in a vast ocean life of lies
I despise the way you claim that
You are being honest with me, that
You are just telling me
What I want hear
Now I realize that we grew so close as friends but
The after that’s, really never mores
And everything else misery in store
I want to do things like they used to be two years ago
Fearless, worry-less and you-less
I want to no longer be stuck with
Permanent swarming scarring thoughts of you
Of pain which there is no remedy, no amount of medicine, alcohol, or anything
Can dissolve the thoughts of you
Maybe for a moment but then the pain hits and I know I’m not sleeping tonight
I want to forgot our powerful conversations
That snapped in a moment and left destruction in its wake
So give me a formula
A spell The cure from “You”
I want to take it!
Away from your hand
That power only you have over me
It’s one I can’t stand
I want to take it
And twist it and turn it
Take it deep in the woods and burn it
I want to stop feeding your powers
But this is a double ended sword
The other end is your powers
Your purple pixie dust
That activates when our eyes meet
It’s the best pleasure in my life
And the worst torment at the same time
A paradox – that’s your true power
You have my in rapture one moment
Then captured by tears the next
Unable to breath, swallow, or move.
I want to take it, shatter and break it THERE
Now, It commands me no more.
Permanent swarming scarring thoughts of you –