Throwback Thursday: Something I found in a journal from a decade ago

I was madly out of my mind with love… And after all the lazy days and being friends, after I walked around my final weeks as a senior year as an android. I was in SO much pain. I was numb. I cried myself to sleep. Food had no taste. I did not feel physical pain any more. I hammered my hands to a bloody pulp in crew one day before I noticed they were bleeding at all. It was an accident, I just remember seeing my hands and thinking what have I done? Then I felt surges of pain, my hands begging choking why? What is going to happen to me? Will I always be half a soul? I was DEAD inside. And for years I went over every detail like that would help. Like it would go back and erase everything if I just think really hard, close my eyes. I would strip off all my clothes. I would feel the cold swallow my naked body. Be naked. Fold those clothes nicely in a pile, take a hot bath, and when I got out every thing in the world would fix itself. I would dry off with a velvety soft purple towel, lotion my body, brush my now silky hair, put on my favorite comfy clothes and pretend nothing’s happened. It is toxic. It is the absolute worst kind of poison for your body. It will make you either strong or break you! It destroyed me. It corroded my brain. A wind storm blew the files of my brain and scattered them around. Razor blades tore up any belief or hope I had for love. Like being stoned to death. Or drinking bleach. Or falling off a cliff. I do not trust anyone. Anyone! I was a ghost in a beautiful world but I did not see any beauty. I saw ugly. I regret allowing myself falling into this pit of hurt and I could not climb out. Just kept digging and digging until I could not hear or see anything. Then I dug a little more. My private place. Any relationship I have, I do not know what to think when a guy says something. What does it mean? I see visions of Keith in my head. Visions. Spinning, dizzy visions. Penetrating my mind, burning a hole in reason. Playing like skipping CDs. Like broken blades of a blender spinning. It is as if I am watching a horror movie and I cannot close my eyes. I cannot beg for help. The guitar and the painting with me. The comfort of clanking tools. Now? If I ever see him again I feel wobbly the whole day. One time so far and let me just say no thank you. And cannot sleep, because I feel like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t, but I know that kind of pain where you want to be locked in a tower. An unforgiving tower. And burn it to the ground while still inside. Dark. Lonely. Frigid.  Like stabbing pains.  In my mind, it’s still a blur. Spinning. Screaming. Blurry. Foggy. Prick, Prick, Prick. Little Stabs. Prick, Prick, Prick, Prick.

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Paradise Lost

I never thought

We’d actually stop

Speaking, let alone completely

Stop being friends.

After four years of friendship,

Birthdays and holidays

Old habits, traditions are dissolved to nothing.

Stopped talking. No more exchanged

Stories, lives, advice, humor.

To no longer hear your distinguished voice

Reassure me

Is like dangling over the open azure sea.

I’m utterly petrified of

That inevitable

Plunge past you

Into the unknown.

The weights of doubt and guilt

Are drowning me

My lungs screaming and

I come up for air alone

It’s almost as if

You were never there.

Almost.

Like an entire empire has crashed.

Paradise is lost.

I lean on your nonexistence shoulder

And collapse to the ground

Bruised, broken, and bare

Every vulnerable piece exposed

Every petal composed

Of something lovely that will never be.

I don’t want to hear anyone telling me

The cliché comfort

“I know how you feel.”

Really, because if so then you must hold a solution

You don’t. (That’s what I thought!)

To go from close friends

To two people who simply don’t know each other

One clinging to the fragments that are

Left, the other only too quick to throw the best-selling novel

That was our friendship away.

To discard it like an empty juice carton

You sucked the life from.

Just like you sucked the life from me.

My explaination of Life

Some things are fixed only to be broken again. It is a test no one can pass, not even with flying colors. Some things break so that we finally pay closer attention to them; draw our conclusions based on pain. Because before the pain there was silence. Silence can tell you only one thing and that is that there is something wrong. Then gain maybe it’s just our imagination run a muck. That quiet kid in class or that silent relative at the holiday table. So we search for answers. Some of us have our own pain cast upon our family unintentionally but just because we don’t mean to does not mean the pain is not there. It is, it’s stabbing everyone. Taking turns torturing and tormenting. We give up most luxuries like friends, going out. Try to do everything on our own when really our heart bleeds for human interaction. To find someone that can process it. Not understand because how could anyone? Just need comfort. Tangible hands cradling you. A true friend, a place to go for daily refuge in this unforgiving place called Earth. To sit with us for hours not saying anything, just listening to music or the wind howl, wait impatiently for change. But we lose it. Somewhere along the way we just lose it. We melt apart into nothing and run like hell to cover our tracks until we can put the pieces in relatively the same place. Because they will never be together again. Not really anyway. Some pieces are lost, other still don’t fit the same, and a replacement is needed. We try, though, to keep our hurt hidden. We smile like the fools we are, laugh go through the motions lying to not only ourselves but everyone around us. We enjoy talents and continue to expand them, we fall in love, raise families, graduate from universities, travel the world, and yet pieces are still missing. It that because they are gone and we will never find them? Or is it that we, despite ourselves, have stopped looking?

When the soul cries

It’s is the body really omitting all the tears, at first
It’s shaking slowly then violently, sobbing
It’s a deep puncturing cry that the soul feels and reacts to
The soul squirms at first, it cannot handle the pain the body feels.
The soul in its wisdom tries to comfort the body, doing everything it can to relax the body, stop the agony.
It calms, it strokes the body trying to make the pain flow away.
It omits happier memories the happiest it possesses, working tirelessly to cease the storm.
It does not always work and chaos ensues.
So the soul begins to cry along lacking in its comfort, causing the cry
To be an entire other level of pain, hurt, despondence.
The pain becomes unbearable as the body and soul are both under attack at the same moment.
The soul and body unite in a level of pain the human within the body has not felt before.
It’s upsetting and when it finally ends
When the shaking stops and the tears no longer flow something happens to the soul.
The soul now has a deep, ugly mark
One that over time heals, sometimes…

An Ode to Stephen Hawking: The Theory of Everything

How appropriate it is that on his 73rd birthday, I with great joy, honor, and love write this piece.

The Theory of Everything encompasses joy and love in a way I never thought possible. As the actress said On good morning America, it is about the love of physics and the physics of love. This film has brilliant acting and cinematography. It’s a rush to watch and see the evolution of genius in a subtle and explosive manner. It’s message is to never give up. And Stephen defies all odds medically and with his conclusions about the universe.

The Theory of Everything blends a scientific and personal world. Chaotic and complicated emotions were rolling across my body as the story unfolded. To see such self sacrifice and then an ending that was sad was heart retching in a strange way but I think Steven Hawking is one of the strongest human beings to go through that and not give up on exploring the world and not giving up on love. The portrayal of his suffering blended with perseverance was magnificent. Please, do yourself a favor and see magic when you see “The Theory of Everything”.

The Devil Wears Red Slippers and a Jade Hat

He was there

With tiny red slippers and a jade hat

The devil parades

Through

If there is a sudden

Disease running through the town

If building are crumbling

Because of natural disaster

Down the dust pedals fly faster

He spawned them specifically

A bully that damages my mind

A noise that made me shiver,

A car accident that could have been me

Hurricane or typhoon

A burn on her hand

Drugs on the cargo train

A nightmare, a shooting in Ferguson and New York

A dog chasing you down the street

Red runs, blood you stagger on your feet

Someone decides not to catch you

Falling ice

Burning home

Lost your job

I know in my soul He was there

Animals dying because of spilt oil

Floods and the toil of rebuilding

Death coming in a manner

You would not say out loud

Because it would make your head speed up

And make you hate what you just said

Make your feet slow and you puke

So many children gone, so many grieving families

The world stunned and shaken to its very core

The Taliban responsible, the devil within each one of them

He was there

Red slippers, jade hat

He is around

Watch out

Proceed with caution

And remember he can always be beaten

With love

He can always be beaten

With love

Permanent swarming scarred thoughts of you

It’s like a needed break that I cannot take

Not a minute, let alone an hour

Will spare my brain, body, and mind

Of those ridiculous, unlikely, impossible, heartbreaking

Thoughts of you

These thoughts they come in clusters like unwelcome bugs

They swarm my mind

From behind and I’m cornered nothing I can do

Will dispel the thought of you

I avoid your name, the music that I love that you played

But reminds me instead of your soft gray sweater and

The smoothness of your hair

I once thought together we’d go far

It’s obvious the solution is there isn’t one

Waiting on a star, NO,

Inside embedded in my head

A tattoo, a permanent scar

Comparable to a raging fire

That cannot be contained

Comparable to immeasurable amounts of pain

The electric impulses are frying my brain

Sending out messages I don’t want to read

Sending out a truth I don’t want to see

Sending an SOS that made it too late

Numb realization, bordering on obsession

I formed this crystal clear opinion of you

The one who steals my thoughts

The one who knows my secrets

The one who lies, and grows in a vast ocean life of lies

I despise the way you claim that

You are being honest with me, that

You are just telling me

What I want hear

Now I realize that we grew so close as friends but

The after that’s, really never mores

And everything else misery in store

I want to do things like they used to be two years ago

Fearless, worry-less and you-less

I want to no longer be stuck with

Permanent swarming scarring thoughts of you

Of pain which there is no remedy, no amount of medicine, alcohol, or anything

Can dissolve the thoughts of you

Maybe for a moment but then the pain hits and I know I’m not sleeping tonight

I want to forgot our powerful conversations

Our bond

That snapped in a moment and left destruction in its wake

So give me a formula

A trick

A spell The cure from “You”

I want to take it!

Away from your hand

That power only you have over me

It’s one I can’t stand

I want to take it

And twist it and turn it

Take it deep in the woods and burn it

I want to stop feeding your powers

But this is a double ended sword

The other end is your powers

Your purple pixie dust

That activates when our eyes meet

It’s the best pleasure in my life

And the worst torment at the same time

A paradox – that’s your true power

You have my in rapture one moment

Then captured by tears the next

Unable to breath, swallow, or move.

I want to take it, shatter and break it THERE

Now, It commands me no more.

Permanent swarming scarring thoughts of you –

They’re gone.