It hasn’t really been this bad
I’m beyond sad
I’m numb as they come
So many things going wrong
I’m trying to be strong
I got a message yesterday
That caused agony
My stomach is sick
The cause unknown
Trying to fix something I broke
Before it’s too late
Right now
It’s twirling
It’s swirling
It’s swelling
I can’t bare the pain
Of my
Hurricane Brain
“No this is not goodbye
I swear that I’m gonna
No baby, please don’t cry
It doesn’t have to end this way…
Because when I have to think about the nights I’ll be alone
I get terrified
Please don’t say goodbye”
I want hear those words just once
Could someone want to fight for me?
Could someone actually want me?
Could someone care?
Is any of that ever going to come to fruition?
Bloody knuckles
Broken dreams
Tears stream
I scream
But no one can hear
Not one can lend an ear
My watch smashes and breaks
How much will it take
Before I smash too?
Before it’s much more than
Bleeding knuckles
Broken dreams
When will I be okay
When will anybody love me
When will the hate stop
When will I see the top
When?
Until then
It’s bleeding knuckles
Broken dreams
Agony pain burning fires
In my brain
In my body
In my heart
I can’t put the fire out
Water doesn’t work
I thought I could drown it in tears
But that increases the flames
Like my tears are gasoline
I thought I could suffocate it
With my sweater
But instead
It suffocates me.
Smoke, fire, flames bursting through my heart.
Suddenly a dangerous explosion
My heart’s a million tiny pieces
Shattered, scattered
I finally put the fire out
Superhuman strength appears
I say no more as the music blares
Strong resolve to survive
but the damage of the fire
It is overwhelming
It’s burning pain I can still feel
The shock of the smoke
Collapses my lungs
The sadness of joy turned into sparks
Sparks of absolute agony
The fire was uninviting torture
Torture and hell
Truly it was the deepest level of hell
I felt pain in places I didn’t know I could
Now the charred remains will get off this train
I walk to go shower
My charred self
Recovering what I can
Abandoning the rest
And recalling how high the flames got
And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply again…
Knowing they could.
Off to shower, drink coffee and pretend everything is fine.
Until it is.
Cold death is met and don’t forget
That a Fresh Hell is where I dwell
Submerged in fires of frenzied fury
The burns are incinerating my soul
I will never be whole again
I will always be some messed up, torn up, smashed version of myself
Because for me in this moment
There’s no help
Only a Few good days pass
Before I relapse into my other self
Before my body and mind collapse into rage and fear
Before I cannot feel anything
Before my anxiety and paranoia take over
Before I shatter as I hit the abyss
All I can do once I’m at the frigid depth
Is not plunge all the way to the end
Before everything is lost
Before everyone I know leaves me
Because I know I’m a monster
Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman
Who loves books, burgers, football, and poetry
Who loves her friends and family with her entire heart
But all my joy was spilled out and ripped apart
Before I become the nothing I feel
I have to swim out of the abyss
And until I’m out of this cycle of pain
All I can do
Is tread water
So I don’t drown
And get swallowed up by the illness that threatens to take everything from me
I have to fight to stay above water
I have to battle
But more importantly
I must not give in
I must destroy what harms me
Only then can I truly defeat the abyss and win back my life
Vibrations in my brain, incorrectly wired
Sending all these input and outputs until I’ve rapidly perspired
Agony
Screaming that’s so loud only I can hear it
But it’s deafening
Then silence
And me
Alone
On my bed
Crying
Hold on, Hold on to me
