Who am I to argue with the pain?

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The pain hurts
It burns into my skin
It burns into my mind
It screams
It sends messages…
You are nothing!
No one loves you!
You are worthless!
I sob
I stare
I shiverWho
Who am I
To argue with the pain?

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I’ve been here all along, all alone.

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Is anybody out there?

I’ve been here all along.

Praying
Pacing
Spacing out
Screaming
Silence
Agony
Sharp
Numb
Cold
Fear
Running
Darkness
Tunnel
Noise
I startle
I strain to hear…

Is anybody out there?

Can you take this weight of mine?

It’s choking me.

I’m drowning with the weight of my world on my shoulders.

I’ve been here all along, all alone.

Abandonment

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A fate worse then death
Full out abandonment
If my plans weren’t so big
If my anticipation
And jubilation
Didn’t transcend complete
Hope
One person tried but
As no man or woman is an island
It fell on deaf ears
They can’t accept me
The girl who loves to climb trees
Be wild and is sometimes hard to please
I hide everything behind a mask
A mask that shows the happiness
That is animated
The real, raw, uncut me
Sits atop a chestnut tree
And realizes
They should take the good with the bad.
People in glass houses
Shouldn’t throw a single stone
Or create and animate
A fate worse then death
A dejected, distant, shattered, sad Maria
Alone
A fate no one can condone
Only condemn
But being broken
Doesn’t mean I dissolve away
I just go back to crew
With all this knowledge thinking
Who knew phrases all day
Who knew people can be so cruel
And create a fate worse the death for a girl
Who just wanted to twirl her way to a happy ending
One that I look for in vain
It does not exist
Merely a mist of calamity
Mixed with reality
And a fate worse then bereavement
The unfortunate beginning of eternal gloom – abandonment

Torn an ugly hole in my soul, why did you?

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I wish I never came here
The irony – I was invited, hand picked for this purgatory I burned in
The smell of sawdust still haunts me
You, the teasing and the whispers
The names you called me when I was not around
A stab in an old wound hurts worse
I came back every single day
A life you could not kill
Air, full of life, Stupid so stupid
I, a fool, came to build sets and befriend you
You tore an ugly hole in my soul
I cried a small river
Not realizing that everyone was my enemy
The same
No one ever once
Stood up and sat that’s enough
You just left me with all the work
While you basked in the glow of the top positions
I was an abused, malnourished, kicked puppy
Who never left the theater that was my beloved
I cut the wood, I measured, I swept, I sorted, and I carried the 16 foot ladder
On my own. I painted. I took apart the stage pieces.
Why did you have to be so evil to only me?
Why was only I the subject of your cruel and usual punishment?
Why did you have to set my life on fire?
Was not my being your slave enough?

Linger

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Walking these streets
I know these streets
I know where the roads converge
I know where they meet
I walk aimlessly
I walk to the tea shop
I drink slowly
I explore
I adore
It’s after work
The city is aglow
So I take my time
Fancy clothes
Fancy cars
Everyone feels like a star
I admire dresses, scarves, and hats
I stare at pressed suits and colorful tasteful ties
I stop for an art exhibit
I glance at paintings and statues and more
My mind stirs for hours
Whether on the street
Or in the tea shop
Or the art institute
I love to take my time
Make the day sublime
Grab a dinner by the lake
A solo escape
As I do this
I make sure
To soak it all it
So carefully, cautiously
I
Linger