Fall Apart

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I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart
When someone ingests and pukes out your heart
I wish I had known from the start
I would have never allowed that,
If only instead of stupid I had actually been smart
I want to cry and the time, I guess
For so long it has been beyond sublime
But that joy I had was just jumping the gun
For I no longer have any fun
The tears they run
Run really fast down my face
I’m spinning through time through space
The beautiful colors I once used to see
Are warped distorted and ugly
The reds and blacks stream together
Like a car crash in rainy weather
The blood and the dark
Blend with the rainy blurs and make their mark
Everything I think of, everything I want
Is just a taunt
Because I can’t allow myself happiness now
I’ve created my own fatal flaw, how?
I’ve stepped in the trap, lonely and confused
Mad, sad, angry, dismal, and used
I’m stuck staring at the car crash that is my life
I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart

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What really breaks me

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Watching the Pianist
An inevitable fate escaped
For the composer anyway
Seeing the look on a battered girl’s face
Makes it hard to swallow
Infidelity to your significant other
The act of mass murder, those planes smashing building, flying with deathly force
Breaks my thoughts, how could someone do that
More importantly how can you live with yourself
Some little kid finding out
There is no Santa Claus
Hate Crimes
People who hate themselves
Realizing that the people who
You thought cared
Don’t even know you, not really
When something beautiful or someone
Shatters
When a girl can’t have a first dance
At her wedding with her dad
Because she doesn’t have one
When two people destined for each other
Die one of them dies
When a “friend” stabs me in the back
And wants to be “friends”
When people don’t have the guts to apologize
When a baby cries because it was born addicted
No choice in the matter
Or when a baby is aborted
When someone torments animals
When the media showcases something
But the real meaning is lost
When someone gets away with murder
Disrespecting the elderly
Purposely embarrassing someone or hurting
Their feelings with cruel pranks/jokes
When people are led on
All these things break me
But number one
Is how you glance at me
How you joke around with me Hug me and advise me
Inside everything is so completely traumatized from what you’ve done
The hardest part is learning to be lonely so everyone thinks your fine
Really metaphorically your soul is drunk with the wine WE were to share
That’s what really breaks me, more then a national disaster it’s YOU
You batter my emotions with memories and photos that burn my insides
I can’t feel happiness anymore it’s all cold, a mass of the broken pieces glued together
Expertly by me but with a tiny ice pick you
With that smile, messy hair- break it all over again…

Voice

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Never allowed to talk

Never allowed to be myself

Never allowed to have my opinion

Constantly interrupted

Conversation abruptly ceasing

As my angry is increasing

But I let them talk because

I sit there inside I’m numb

I feel so stupid, I feel so dumb

Right now I don’t have a choice

But once I get a job and move out

I’ll finally have a voice

Silent No More : The Atrocities against Women must Stop!

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When the allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Al Moore, and Charlie Rose (to name the four recent men) came out in the news, it shocked me to my core and make me openly weep as the news continued to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed “why” so loudly but could barely speak. It frightened the people at home, but I was in so much horrible emotional pain so bad that my soul was on fire and my heart was drowning in agony. Up until this time Kevin Spacey was my favorite actor, and I was trying to finish season 5 of house of cards. Charlie Rose was a journalist I greatly admired. Harvey Weinstein created my favorite show: Project Runway. I haven’t heard of Al Moore but the notion of him running for a Senator representing our country is so wrong it makes me want to vomit.

Now besides punishment I strongly believe we have to first address and speak about the crime: rape and sexual harassment against women. The flood gates for victims to come forward have opened but that does not change what happened. Perhaps being able to speak about it helps ease the burden but I cannot imagine what that kind of experience does to a woman’s mind, spirit, and heart. My heart is completely broken and it didn’t happen to me. But it happened to millions of woman and continues to happen. Our president has bragged about groping women by saying “I say grab them by the *****” and was still elected despite his vile comments to multiple women including journalists and even attacking wives of fellow candidates. It makes me sick. Physically sick to think he is our president. The hunting grounds explored sexual assault on College campuses and I wouldn’t watch it because I was afraid. Now I’m disgusted with myself for not facing the truth in our society- sexual misconduct, violence, rape, and mistreatment of women is an epidemic that needs treatment.

Kevin Spacey was my favorite actor. Was. The movie Baby Driver was my favorite of the summer. But instead of thinking what I’m losing which is some movies and TV shows, thinking about what his victims lost is far more painful. I openly sob because I don’t know how to make this horrific action stop. I cannot stop it alone. We have to address the behavior causing agony to millions. And we must stop saying what they said in the case of Charlie Rose “that was Charlie being Charlie” is a direct quote. How can we say boys will be boys? So are we normalizing very despicable behavior? Yes, and THAT needs to stop. IT NEEDS TO STOP! STOP SAYING BOYS WILL BE BOYS!

When I lived in an apartment in the city I recall not feeling well and running to the store to buy milk to make my beloved coffee. The whole time I was alone until stepping back into my apartment, I was afraid of someone male attacking me since I was a young woman alone in the evening. That’s how bad it’s gotten in our society and in every society. It’s to a point where I am scared to buy milk. Isn’t that depressing? Isn’t that despicable?

Let’s not get away from the main point here, that sexual assault and harassment happens all the time and is actually very under-reported because women are scared to come forward. I was scared too.

I have never told anyone my story but I want to share it now to help others.

When I said it didn’t happen to me, I wasn’t being honest because I’ve never told a soul. Here goes:

We were all coming in from gym class my freshman year of high school. I was the fastest runner of the girls so I was fair ahead with the boys running inside to change before the bell rang. I turned around to see if I could see any of the my friends that were girls and that’s when he stopped running and grabbed me. He grabbed me and he tugged at me. The front of my uniform was so thin that the feeling was so horrific that I nearly passed out from shock. What I remember is him laughing and then running away. His friends laughed too. That laughter is still in my nightmares 15 years later. I ran so fast I beat everyone to the doors (we were playing softball and coming inside to change) and I blocked out the entire event. Never told a soul.

I’ve had my butt grabbed twice by men in public, once at a party and once at a bar. At the bar I didn’t speak out but at the party I screamed at that man, and I told everyone what he had done. Thinking about all this makes me come undone because I’ve always been afraid of intimate moments since that day when I was grabbed without wanting it. I didn’t want it.

There needs to be an outcry for change to stop this atrocity from continuing. Education is part of the answer. Normalization of the behavior just flat out needs to stop. I want to say to every victim that you are not alone and that you are a wonderful woman with value and people that love you. To Kevin Spacey and all the other men I named, those I didn’t, and to our president – you are absolutely vile, repulsive, and should be deeply ashamed of yourselves. It’s unacceptable, and it’s going to have to be stopped because the affects are devastating. I urge everyone to think twice before and please consider your actions that can change and destroy another life, another heart forever.

What these songs mean to me

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Hinder- Better than me (please listen to the entire song)
This song, I have memorized, listening to countless times. I can relate so much to the singer. I came upon it by accident, just like I came to find a new love for a certain individual. I actually do miss his hair in my face. We never went out, but I told myself to stop missing him. But since I lie to him everyday, like at the beginning “with all the lies that I made you believe” I love the melody of the song, it speaks to me, and the guitar at the beginning draws me in. When I feel lousy, awful, and rotten this song tells a realistic tale that I appreciate to hear. I love to imagine the “box of notes” “that time at the mall.” Hinder dishes out these sweet lyrics that break me heart, because I feel the reality behind them. Sadly, my self- esteem isn’t what it used to be and sometimes I think anyone could do better than me.

Sugar Cult – Pretty Girl
I put myself in the place of “pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything”
“She’s beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men” Like in the song, I am under this spell. Aware of evil men, but I am blinded by initial kindness. The beats of the song, the desperation in his voice, the distressing tone that sometimes can make me shed tears because the words are spun beautifully together. Hopefully I will “find out what his intentions were about.” It is a song about how a pretty girl must be strong on the inside, even though sometimes the pain cannot be helped. I think it is a good touch how some places his voice is soft and other times it is harsh, like the refrain of the song.

The Beatles – Yesterday
Changing gears a bit, comes The Beatles. I love their mellow tones and catchy, captivating lyrics. Sometimes I think we all long for yesterday. A blast from the past, to feel good a little longer, before the phantom of tomorrow takes it. Also how love is described as a game we all play. I love to sit on the couch and listen to Tonia play it on the piano while I sing it. This song although it is sad, brings happy memories forward for me. I like the instruments in the background as they add subtle appeal to the voices. I can fall asleep thinking about yesterday, it makes tomorrow less scary to look in the eye.

Reliant K – Be my Escape (Please listen to entire song)
This song makes all of my emotions stick out at one point. I came upon it by accident, suddenly entranced when a second ago I was nearly asleep. Sitting at the spot light so far away, I turned off my headset, letting go of communication with the other technicians to listen. Again I have it memorized and everyday coming home after a long day of crew, I love listening to the idea of having a special person that would be my escape from this world of pain, drama, and cruelty. I mean nothing bad would happen if I had that escape, because we’d be together and he’d protect me. The beginning “blending in so you won’t even know me” and the last few lines “I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was safe my own skin
Ohhh but so were you
So were you.” I think he is saying someone has to be the bigger person and both unfortunately are just trying to save themselves from hurt, unwilling to take that chance.

The Fray – Heaven Forbid
A horrid day. From the moment I woke up, something was wrong. Fighting with my mom is always a bad start to a day. In school, my expectations socially and academically are far too high. Getting yelled at for not being perfect, I grab my I-pod, and actually for the first time imagine – “heaven forbid I end up alone and don’t know why” Honestly, besides the lovely instrumentation I only listen to this song when I feel I have lost hope in not the world, not my friends, or family, but in me. This song says “take a breath, just take a seat. You’re falling apart and tearing at the seams” that is how I feel, tearing apart at the seams, starting to show to the world that hey! I can hurt too. I’m not bullet-proof emotionally by any stretch. “Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow you’ll be alright”

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars
When I hear this song, I melt into the floor in love. The video implies what the song intends. I love the idea of chasing cars around our heads. I love that fact that the phrase I love you is inadequate to this singer for I can see how it could be. The English language can be so lacking sometimes when it comes to these things so he asks, “would you lay with him and just forget the world”. That is the one you love. The one that stops time and the world for you and you go with him. This is actually my ring tone, one that is loud, one that is melodic and mushy, and one I adore. It makes me wish I could just freeze time or speed it up to fix what shattered in my life. This song is final though, it is a yes or no. There is no thinking about it for a few days. The singer wants to know and know now. I have learned from a teacher time heals, but not the time you choose. So this sappy idea of a picture perfect romance only convinces me on a good day.

StoneSour 17– Zzxyz Rd
(Actual band, actual song)
The song has some latent anger that I think I can relate to because he can only imagine it. It makes me think of poetry of writing because the piano makes me weep. The piano is a lament a release of pain and suffering. He is at wits end. I feel just like this man. Can’t sleep, thinking of the pile of broken promises and lies. The thought of life forgetting about you is so heartbreaking. He is lost truly lost. I feel like this sometimes. Then when the second acoustic part comes I picture someone close to me leaving. The imagines he picks are raw, blunt, and simply sad but he sings the truth, he wants to fade away. He wants to live but he doesn’t really know – at the end it seems like he is screaming bellowing about being tired, but having to go. I feel like that, like my mind wants a million things to happen at once. The guitar is a delicious little interlude there, but I wish his voice was more soothing. Or perhaps harsh, rhythmic tones are what he needs to get across.

Landon Pigg – Can’t let go
This is a laid back mellow tune. Some others I chose are harsh, desperate, or empty inside while this one is just a balanced scale of music with lyrics. An honest man, saying he simply can’t let go. Men should be honest like him! “It’s not that our love died, it just never bloomed. Can’t move on from the past” I almost think the melody should be frustrated or anger with this anger tone, but he seems kind of happy be him one-sided love, simply repeating that he can’t let go, and without lifting a finger she is holding him back, I like that idea of being kind of under this spell.

Josh Groban – Now or Never
A splinter in the light, it’s been hiding there inside for all this time- this melody is a song you can’t turn off. It puts an intoxicating spell, the urgency in his voice, the piano background. -No one’s fault no black or white, only you and me on this endless night- This song could very easily be worked into to a poem the blare of his voice is so inviting to me. He has a song powerful voice that he doesn’t need to commercialize his products; his fame and fans love his voice the most. Not trying to sell an image, he catches my heart and attention and never lets go. On my I-pod, I will play him after a stressful day of crew and school and everyone in the car thinks my smiling that the lyrics is a little weird, but I can’t help imagine his words, crystallize them into reality.

The Killers – Glamorous Indie rock and roll
This song takes me to a difference Era and a different place. “It’s in his soul it’s what I need, indie rock and roll, it’s time…
Two of us, flippin through a thrift store magazine, she plays the drums I’m on tambourine, bet your bottom dollar on me” this song makes me feel reckless and impulsive, spontaneous and urgent. I feel anger that I can tunnel into energy – like shattering glass, something final like that. “Let’s cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens” That is the spur of the moment I feel, like declaring love or visiting an exotic country. “Making up breaking up what do you care?” This vocal combined with the eclectic instrumentation makes me and this sing complete.

Frank Sinatra – Unforgettable
Lavish gifts. Expensive houses and cars. Cell phones, laptops, I-pod, Plasma screen TVs. Designer label clothes and dining at five star restaurants. Exclusive buildings, after school activities, parties. All of these things are a part of the life I know. Wants and needs clash and become the same. There no longer becomes a dividing line between life’s needs and frivolous odds and ends, like a daily Starbucks fix. This song makes me feel for once, not guilty of what I have, when so many have so little. But is it all worth anything, if I am unhappy? Some many have less but really much more. They have love, a person that takes them for who they are, cares about them unconditionally, loves and protects them, and balances them. Loneliness is a window of myself that people rarely see, and I like this song because it gives hope that someday, to someone I will be this exquisite unforgettable woman that is being depicted. “Someday… how the thought of you does things to me… forevermore that’s how you’ll stay… my mind’s eye takes the piano and creates a moonlit waltz in my future.” Only Frank Sinatra can create an entire evening from a simple song.

March 7, 2016 and this poem still haunts me

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A man with a plan he is not

Not any decent plan, anyway.

He belittles, rants, and offends

The rich he defends

In the building of his wall

He’d isolate us all

America is great because of:

Diversity of people

Respect

He does not have respect towards

Diversity.

That sets us apart and makes us remarkable.

The unique flavor of individuality is been threatened.

It boggles the mind that someone could support a man that says such offensive things.

Why are we allowing this circus to continue?

Truly, it’s a circus and the future of America is not a joke.

He is a joke.

We need a clear minded, reasonable, and understanding leader. He is not.

Let’s focus on making America great again with someone else leading us forth towards a great future.

 

Update : Is there hope for the kind of America that is being created?

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

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When a mirror crosses my path I avoid it! I do not own a single mirror. Such a device does not exist in my room. When I look in the mirror, I can pick apart the different layers and see my eyes my mind; it helps me to hide the inner most layers of paint, of lies, I tell myself each day, of hopes and dreams that were happiness, excitement, love, passion, obsession, hope, dreams, loneliness, confusion, curiosity, anger, suppressed fury, and sadness. These layers are my beautiful disasters. They are my breakdowns. When I look long enough in the mirror I want to smash it. Memories of illness that is permanent and the things I can’t change overwhelm me. The worst part is that nothing I can say or do will change it. I don’t want to be that sad girl who is brittle and fragile and clearly not all there. When I look long enough at this wall of truth I see exhaustion, I see the wanting of dreams to come true. I tell lies to myself that what I dream will come into reality.

I see in the mirror what I cannot change. I will always be second best! When I see the silver device again I want to shatter it. Destroy it. Melt it. Shatter it. A mirror has a long list of stereotypes. Be this fake entity. I have to look nice, thin, sexy, porcelain doll perfect. [Insert name here ] is trapped in this idea of me becoming this perfect person. I want to understand how I broke [ ] porcelain image, I actually shattered it – broke out of that stage, I have no long lived in this way , and in return  now, I look into the memories, and I see failure, someone struggling to go to bed each night and not hate myself. This sudden knowledge that no one can love me if I don’t love myself first.

When I glance at myself, I’m curious am I that ugly, tired thing? Why should I even care any longer? Everyone expects these things from me when I want to live in a world where none of those frivolous things matter.  A mirror is quite a dangerous friend for once you lose sight of what is important you see only skin deep. Now when I look in the mirror, I love my aqua outfit I love my eyelashes, all I wonder how is who will love me back, more specifically will he? Respect me, pile up and pull apart my thick intricate layers. After that you must still love me despite and in spite of myself. That happy girl, content and lovely the one I once was, maybe he can capture and release what he sees – an exquisite, intelligent, ambitious, tender, gentle, wild, unpretentious – the jungle of qualities that make me.

When I look in the mirror for a third time in the band room, I only want to be myself today, tomorrow, forever. When I look in the silver slab of honestly, I remember what someone once told me. Don’t hide and be yourself. Do not care what other people think. Even though the mirror can’t lie, an interpretation is left up to the eye of the beholder. When the mirror and I cross paths, I see that first day at the hospital. Only I see that girl who gets her heart ripped from inside her everyday, that girl who has to pick herself up without aid from anyone and say – you can do it, why care about the past – go out there and show them. Understand. Love. Find the line try never to cross it. Pull yourself together. The only person that “mirrors” my emotions with wise words and a gentle tone – [ ] When I see his face, I don’t need a mirror – I see a smile which I am certain has crept across my face. What I need is already inside me. It is how you use it, that knowledge that makes a world of difference.