Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman…

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Only a Few good days pass

Before I relapse into my other self

Before my body and mind collapse into rage and fear

Before I cannot feel anything

Before my anxiety and paranoia take over

Before I shatter as I hit the abyss

All I can do once I’m at the frigid depth

Is not plunge all the way to the end

Before everything is lost

Before everyone I know leaves me

Because I know I’m a monster

Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman

Who loves books, burgers, football, and poetry

Who loves her friends and family with her entire heart

But all my joy was spilled out and ripped apart

Before I become the nothing I feel

I have to swim out of the abyss

And until I’m out of this cycle of pain

All I can do

Is tread water

So I don’t drown

And get swallowed up by the illness that threatens to take everything from me

I have to fight to stay above water

I have to battle

But more importantly

I must not give in

I must destroy what harms me

Only then can I truly defeat the abyss and win back my life

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What Matters is Love

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How can love be so powerful but not a physical thing? Wait, isn’t love a force which binds us together, however the physicality is a byproduct and the actual love the idea. Love can be a physical display yes, but in its pure conceptual form is love boundless? How can love be so powerful yet we cannot hold it? How can love bring the greatest happiness but also the most miserable pain one can conceive? There is a dual concept of love at work. I feel pure love is not meant to hurt. Hurt is difficult to explain and reconcile. But Love. It exists in that smile when you see the one you love and you grin like a fool. Only it doesn’t matter if you are thought foolish, what matters is this force. What matters is this physical, emotional, sexual, psychological feeling happening all at once. It this rush that overcomes your body. In this way, what matters is love.

How?

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How does she smile

A smile like mine?

A smile that is warm and calm gentle and kind.

But she smiles something different like when people trip or fall

When people cry or get injured she smiles

Bright and all, but how does she grin all the while?

I smile when people make me laugh,

When I watch a movie or a smile at someone walking past.

How does she manipulate my smile,

And use it as her own. It must be different in some way

Perhaps a slight sneer in scorn but no, how

Can our smiles reflect as opposites in a mirror, how

Can this be?

How can it be that she can smile the same?

This is how, it is the smile the same way I do

When I am happy am something, well someone succeeds

That kind of smile I do, except filled with greed and vanity.

And it is her eyes, my friends, which tell the true story

Of her cruel quest for overrated glory.

So, how does she smile like me

A black heart and a foolish mind,

That’s truly the difference.

I’m smilin a mile

Though danger might loom

My guardian angel will help

To save me from doom

She will disappear from my heart and my mind

And be left to bug others not so gracefully

But I am done, and her evil smile it doesn’t bother me!

Ice

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It swallowed me

Half of me hates all I am

Hates all that I have become

Who am I?

What happened?

I fell through the ice

Thinner

Until it cracked

I almost drowned

And then hypothermia came knocking

Now,

I just thread water

I just get by

I DON’T WANT TO JUST GET BY

It is only a matter of time before

I fall through the ice again

This time

I know

I’m ready

I won’t fall through

I will be just fine

Getting by

Then I will

Pick up

Move away

Shadow now

A ghost later

New life

That means more than getting by

So much more

I emerge from the ice and suddenly

I am changed

Are the possiblities really limitless?

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“Obviously, I miscalculated a few things,” states Eddy or Edward Morra in the opening scene of this action/thriller. Obviously, I miscalculated a few things about this film. Watching the trailer for the first time, I honestly and whole-heartedly wrote off this film as an utter ridiculous concept that I promised myself I would not subject my mind to. What could a plot line have to say that will keep me engaged for the hour and a half duration of the film? The “magic pill” plot did not enthrall me in the slightest that was until I witnessed, “Limitless” a film by Neil Burger starring Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro. “Why is it the moment the world exceeds your wildest dreams, a knife suddenly appears at your back?” Edward asks the audience in a short yet astoundingly meaningful monologue at the beginning of the movie when he is on the verge on jumping to his death. You see that statement right there starting drawing me in. Sucking me in to this bizarre world that Eddy lives, for he was losing his livelihood and has his girlfriend break up with him until one day he runs into his ex-brother-in-law. In the time it takes you to swallow an aspirin, our main character swallows your attention and drives you on this insane rollercoaster. Brad Cooper shocks and surprises at every turn. “I once was blind, but now I see.” A cliché? Not if you are taking NZT-48 like eddy. Although someone may be singing it at your funeral soon…

Our main character is seen writing an entire novel in five days, learning languages in three, and doing things that we spend and scrutinize our life on in mere minutes. The drug he walks away obtained from the ex-brother-in-law gives him not super nature power but the ability to tap into receptors in the brain, allowing our Eddy to go from depression to dollars, millions in a matter of days. He can now use 100% of his brain instead of the 20% that we humans use. “Enhanced Eddy” is someone completely different from our protagonist, someone walking tall with big time investor Carl Van Loon, (Robert De Niro) when the old Eddy did nothing significant. “He’s Houdini. He’s a prophet of our times.” Lindy, his girlfriend, reads from the New York Times. To describe the movie in one sentence -, “If I’m not moving forward, I felt like I was going to explode.” The cinematography in this film is so brilliant it is reminiscent of Black Swan, with a memorable scene of letters floating and filling the screen. Don’t write off movies because of poorly made trailers! Watch “Limitless”, a brilliantly choreographed action film, to see if his ex-wife was correct in stating that, “NOBODY can operate at that level of brain capacity and not crash.” More importantly think about your own NZT, whether it is coffee, smoking, sex, food, or money and ask yourself, are you able to give it up? Or with it, are the possibilities really limitless?

Magenta Moments

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In an ominous sea of black, I a magenta tulip, float

to the surface and defy everything.

There amongst the conformists and those who fear different,

I stand erect and I prove that color is lacking in this world

Using the brightest color in my arsenal, I will bridge that gap.

I walk through the sea and part it with my magenta being.

I grin because I flood the world with color.

And the world could definitely use some color…

Friend

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Hold on

Hold on so tight

Your blood runs cold

And your face turns white

Hold on to fake dreams

And stories that happened differently then you thought

Hold on

Hold on so tight

Imagine you are clenching so tight

Holding with all your might

When what you need to do

Is be strong enough to let go

You will know then

You are mismatched

Mislead

Misunderstood

All you can do is let go

And in my experience

Holding on with all your power

Is easier then releasing the person

They were not meant for you.