Unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight…

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I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.

I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,

Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you

I did.
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
I imagined.
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.

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The opposite of another you

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Another you to hug
Another you to hold
Another you to laugh with
Another you to listen to me
Another you to care
Another you to understand
Another you to watch movies
Another you to eat dinner
Another you to peruse bookstores with
Another you to miss
No
I don’t want another you
You left me
You abandoned us
You didn’t care one bit
You went your own way without a second thought
You left me to stare
You left me cold
You left so bold
You hurt me so much
I shivered at the idea of seeing you
I want someone to truly care
I want someone who won’t just leave
I want someone to love
I want someone to kiss
I want someone I will miss
I want someone to be there
I want someone to stay when things are hard
I want someone through think and thin
So really,
I want literally the opposite
Of another you

I saw you

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After a rough night
My dreams took flight
After a long hard, depressing day
I count on my dreams to take me far away
After pain and tears
After all my fears
After problems and lack of a job
Swallow my life
After all this fills me to the brim with strife
I go to my bed
I wrap around my covers
And instead
Of happy dreams to calm me
I see something else entirely
Through the fog and mist
It was your lips I kissed
Not even in the land of dreams it’s true
I try to escape but I saw it,
I saw you

Fall Apart

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I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart
When someone ingests and pukes out your heart
I wish I had known from the start
I would have never allowed that,
If only instead of stupid I had actually been smart
I want to cry and the time, I guess
For so long it has been beyond sublime
But that joy I had was just jumping the gun
For I no longer have any fun
The tears they run
Run really fast down my face
I’m spinning through time through space
The beautiful colors I once used to see
Are warped distorted and ugly
The reds and blacks stream together
Like a car crash in rainy weather
The blood and the dark
Blend with the rainy blurs and make their mark
Everything I think of, everything I want
Is just a taunt
Because I can’t allow myself happiness now
I’ve created my own fatal flaw, how?
I’ve stepped in the trap, lonely and confused
Mad, sad, angry, dismal, and used
I’m stuck staring at the car crash that is my life
I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart

Would it make a difference if you knew

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I never got to tell you it was love at first sight
When you picked me up that night
I never got to say how you make me feel
When you are near I know it’s real
There were so many words left unsaid
So many words remained only in my head
Would it make a difference if you knew
That I was madly out of mind in love with you
What hurts the most was being so close
But you blocked me from your life
You saw me, got my messages and never told me
My heart was so severed I couldn’t see
Couldn’t think, couldn’t breath
Your cruel emails prove you didn’t understand
That to me there wasn’t a soul more grand
I’m left alone to ponder
I’m left alone in misery
I’m left alone to heal
I’m left alone to grieve
My reprieve is this
Do you care for her the way you did me
When you gave her your last first kiss?
Do you miss me?
Probably not.
The truth is I know you are married
But you were my first love
And for that reason and lots of little ones
I miss you a lot

Daggers to my heart

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Conversations
They are not conversations
They are conversations
Waiting to turn into fights
Day by Day
Every day is a battle
I have nothing
No one
Except the screaming
That burns
I can’t take another night like this
I can’t take another fight like this
I went upstairs to ask a question
And the words get thrown at my
And they strike
Daggers to my heart

Taking the same train

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Tears streaming down onto my skirt
Tears completely drowning my shirt
But I no longer care
I just sit there
Drip, Drip, Drip
Until I can cry no more
I exit through the door
And take my train home
And wonder what could have been
If we ended up together
Then I won’t be soaked in tears
I wouldn’t be bewildered
Because we would be a unit
A team, lovers and friends
Taking the same train
To the same home