We were

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We were two pieces that didn’t fit.

And I almost destroyed myself

trying to make them fit…

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Throwback Thursday: Something I found in a journal from a decade ago

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I was madly out of my mind with love… And after all the lazy days and being friends, after I walked around my final weeks as a senior year as an android. I was in SO much pain. I was numb. I cried myself to sleep. Food had no taste. I did not feel physical pain any more. I hammered my hands to a bloody pulp in crew one day before I noticed they were bleeding at all. It was an accident, I just remember seeing my hands and thinking what have I done? Then I felt surges of pain, my hands begging choking why? What is going to happen to me? Will I always be half a soul? I was DEAD inside. And for years I went over every detail like that would help. Like it would go back and erase everything if I just think really hard, close my eyes. I would strip off all my clothes. I would feel the cold swallow my naked body. Be naked. Fold those clothes nicely in a pile, take a hot bath, and when I got out every thing in the world would fix itself. I would dry off with a velvety soft purple towel, lotion my body, brush my now silky hair, put on my favorite comfy clothes and pretend nothing’s happened. It is toxic. It is the absolute worst kind of poison for your body. It will make you either strong or break you! It destroyed me. It corroded my brain. A wind storm blew the files of my brain and scattered them around. Razor blades tore up any belief or hope I had for love. Like being stoned to death. Or drinking bleach. Or falling off a cliff. I do not trust anyone. Anyone! I was a ghost in a beautiful world but I did not see any beauty. I saw ugly. I regret allowing myself falling into this pit of hurt and I could not climb out. Just kept digging and digging until I could not hear or see anything. Then I dug a little more. My private place. Any relationship I have, I do not know what to think when a guy says something. What does it mean? I see visions of Keith in my head. Visions. Spinning, dizzy visions. Penetrating my mind, burning a hole in reason. Playing like skipping CDs. Like broken blades of a blender spinning. It is as if I am watching a horror movie and I cannot close my eyes. I cannot beg for help. The guitar and the painting with me. The comfort of clanking tools. Now? If I ever see him again I feel wobbly the whole day. One time so far and let me just say no thank you. And cannot sleep, because I feel like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t, but I know that kind of pain where you want to be locked in a tower. An unforgiving tower. And burn it to the ground while still inside. Dark. Lonely. Frigid.  Like stabbing pains.  In my mind, it’s still a blur. Spinning. Screaming. Blurry. Foggy. Prick, Prick, Prick. Little Stabs. Prick, Prick, Prick, Prick.

Burning Fires

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Agony pain burning fires

In my brain

In my body

In my heart

I can’t put the fire out

Water doesn’t work

I thought I could drown it in tears

I thought I could suffocate it

With my sweater

But instead

It suffocates me.

Smoke, fire, flames bursting through my heart.

Suddenly an explosion.

My heart’s a million tiny pieces

Shattered, scattered.

I finally put the fire out

Superhuman strength appears

Strong resolve to survive

but the damage of the fire

It is overwhelming

It’s burning pain I can still feel

The shock of the smoke

Collapses my lungs

The sadness of joy turned into sparks

Sparks of absolute agony

The fire was uninviting

Torture

Truly it was the deepest level of hell

I felt pain in places I didn’t know I could

Now the charred remains will get off this train

After class

After talking to Ethan

After help from Heidi

After wisdom from Janet and Glendalyn

After tea with Bella

I walk to go shower

My charred self

Recovering what I can

Abandoning the rest

And recalling how high the flames got
And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply again…

Knowing they could.

Off to shower, drink coffee and pretend everything is fine.

Until it is.

Ode to Lonely Nights

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Oh, lonely Nights
The stars are dimly shining
I lay writing
Hoping one day
I won’t be so lonely
And that I could read this poem
To someone besides you
I have a feeling it will never happen, true
As the cloud that masks the sun
Or the firm looks of okay that masks a breakdown of self
Oh, Lonely nights when my lover
If my lover breaks my heart
I will remember these lonely nights where I did start
At the beginning – square one
Before hypothetical heartbreak starts
But please lonely night end soon
I can spread staring, penetrating the moon
Lonely nights thank you for alone time
It may have been a bit too much
For now my body fears every touch
May have been a bit much
For now my body fears every touch
Get close, tug down shirt
Slowly back down before you get hurt
Lastly lonely nights
Although I am currently hateful
You make me grateful
For everything, faithful too.