Fragments of Us

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To all my old lovers

I dream of you
I think of you
I drink you in
Til poison burns my skin
I think of you at night
When I’m most lonely filled with fright
To my delight
I can block you out
Until I no longer think of you
And all the heartless things you’d do
How can it be
That all my old lovers
I think of you often
When I should not
Because I know in my heart
It was not my fault
But I blame myself anyway
I see fragments of us…

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Cry

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I’m scared of the dark
And who might be lurking there
I’m scared of going outside at night
And finding someone hiding there
I’m scared of storms
I’m scared of planes
I’m scared when hail
Comes down when it rains
I fear tomorrow
I fear today
I fear that I will waste away
From all this fear

I’m scared of running
Running so fast
That I’ll be at the
Edge of the Earth
And run right past
I wish that you’d come
To hold me at last

But I hope you
Don’t come to me
Because more than the
Planes or stalkers killing me
I’m afraid of your mind games,
Afraid of you hurting me
I fear this more than anything

My heart will never heal
With these feelings
I will always be left alone to deal
All I want is an explanation, a reason
Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds
And left me here to cry

Fly

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Between all of the awful things that keep happening I hope this is the last. I want the bad things to stop hitting me like a train. My body cannot get over the shock of one before the next one strikes. I need a break. It’s so much to happen at once. My soul is crumbling apart. Happiness, joy, love, and balance are hemorrhaging out of my system and bitterness, angry, and sadness are being sucked in their place. I want the good things back. It’s like when I was a little girl and I was drowning. My uncle got me out of the cold water but not before a good scare. This time the water is colder. It’s deeper and more vast and opaque. And I can’t keep my head above water. It is like there are weights attached to my legs hell-bent on filling my lungs with water and taking me away from Earth. I keep ripping them off but new ones lock on tight. No one can save me. I need to do this on my own. The weights off. And swim fly jump just get away. To happiness, joy, love, and balance.

Don’t you dare love me, Don’t you dare help me, but hold me as I do

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Beneath the sheets
Beneath the layers
Beneath the content nature
Of me
Beneath the conversation
Beneath my calm demeanor
Of me
Is someone searching
Is someone swimming
Is someone diving
For meaning
Behind the smile
Behind the laughter
Behind the banter
Behind the neat, tidy, polite, loving me
Lies chaos
Lies flames and fires
Lies fear
Lies regret
I’m a jumble of pieces
That equate to my soul
I want to figure it out myself
Don’t you dare try
Don’t you dare help
I need to desperately do this for myself
Don’t you dare care about me
Don’t you dare love me
I don’t want to take you
Shake you
Break you
It’s too late though
I know you do
Your stare
Your glare
Your grin
You soak me in
Much to my chagrin
You don’t just allow me
You want my jumble of pieces
A part of your whole
Don’t you dare help me
But you can hold me as I do

The boy is philosophy

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Grinning from ear to ear
It’s just your voice I hear
I look at you and cannot cease
Your smile soft, full of peace
There is so much that I can’t say
Instead I stare at you kinda sideways
We always discuss things before class
My mind just shatters like glass cuz
I know unless I make a move
We will never have a chance
At some overrated not understood
Version of romance so
I smile back and hope that
You break your vow
Of silence and continue your advance towards me
I waiting now
You eyes they sparkle
Like frost and glitter
So I will write bad poetry
And fantasize about being carried in your arms
Until the 12th of December you have
When term ends
Good Luck

Torn an ugly hole in my soul, why did you?

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I wish I never came here
The irony – I was invited, hand picked for this purgatory I burned in
The smell of sawdust still haunts me
You, the teasing and the whispers
The names you called me when I was not around
A stab in an old wound hurts worse
I came back every single day
A life you could not kill
Air, full of life, Stupid so stupid
I, a fool, came to build sets and befriend you
You tore an ugly hole in my soul
I cried a small river
Not realizing that everyone was my enemy
The same
No one ever once
Stood up and sat that’s enough
You just left me with all the work
While you basked in the glow of the top positions
I was an abused, malnourished, kicked puppy
Who never left the theater that was my beloved
I cut the wood, I measured, I swept, I sorted, and I carried the 16 foot ladder
On my own. I painted. I took apart the stage pieces.
Why did you have to be so evil to only me?
Why was only I the subject of your cruel and usual punishment?
Why did you have to set my life on fire?
Was not my being your slave enough?