Torn an ugly hole in my soul, why did you?

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I wish I never came here
The irony – I was invited, hand picked for this purgatory I burned in
The smell of sawdust still haunts me
You, the teasing and the whispers
The names you called me when I was not around
A stab in an old wound hurts worse
I came back every single day
A life you could not kill
Air, full of life, Stupid so stupid
I, a fool, came to build sets and befriend you
You tore an ugly hole in my soul
I cried a small river
Not realizing that everyone was my enemy
The same
No one ever once
Stood up and sat that’s enough
You just left me with all the work
While you basked in the glow of the top positions
I was an abused, malnourished, kicked puppy
Who never left the theater that was my beloved
I cut the wood, I measured, I swept, I sorted, and I carried the 16 foot ladder
On my own. I painted. I took apart the stage pieces.
Why did you have to be so evil to only me?
Why was only I the subject of your cruel and usual punishment?
Why did you have to set my life on fire?
Was not my being your slave enough?

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45 minutes, 45 thoughts: When Bullies are just too Much

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I storm off.
I can’t do it.
This.
Anymore.
I run past the help.
I race to.
My usual hiding place.
In the corner of the last stall.
My head against the wall.
I’m not worth it at all.
“She’s crying about her life story again”
Keeps rolling through my head.
No one should bother with me.
Like a sick, lonely soul.
Who just got third degree burns.
The crying turns to whimpering.
Call 4 people, no answer.
Then I just lose it, collapse.
I think about the new ways.
That my stomach acids are churning me sick.
Feeling lower then dirt.
I allow my body to surrender to sitting.
It’s cold.
I deserve it,
The cruelty, the cold.
No hand to hold.
I am hurling towards utter disarray.
No room to breathe.
I’m actually unable to breathe.
Suddenly voices.
I think hush, Maria hushes
It is as quiet as it gets
I cannot contain myself
She, a familiar voice
I open the stall door.
Crying on her and screaming,
Gasping for some air.
He’s in his office.
Okay.
I give in, I say
What’s on my mind to him.
Refuse to speak
Only to my supervisor I will.
It is not over, I think.
It’s just the beginning
Or maybe, Miracles in Maine East?

A Burden of Broken Roses and Shredded Dreams…

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I want to be noticed
I want to be seen
I want to be loved by all
Who are keen
On my life
And my persona
I want to be popular,
Not pompous
I want to mend old friendships
And grow new ones

Instead –
I am the bud of every joke
I play along, inside I choke
My inner self is taking
All the bull shit
While my heart is adding
An extra large wound with salt for good measure
I am mocked for my brain
Now I’m using it to complain
Being smart is wonderful right?
So why do I stare at that girl
The one in the mirror
Firsts clenched tight
Realizing that I can’t be that girl anymore
The old, timid, passive, sad Maria is gone.
This is the new me.

What I am and what I want
Are two things so far apart –
Can I at least be exquisite
And a beauty at first glance?

I want to dream deep
And see those dreams
Fly with silver-blue ribbons on their wings
I want to discover
The mystery in life, uncover forbidden love.
To accept myself for whom I am-
Sometimes neurotic but a great listener
And a phenomenal friend
A talented writer and musical
Sitting here wishin’ on tomorrow- a burden of broken roses and shredded dreams…

The Final “Final Straw”: Please Wake Up Mr. Trump

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An Open Letter

Dear Mr. Trump,

How many times do we have to see you doing this? The mean tweets were a hallmark of your campaign, and began a new dark part of American History. Your wife promised to fight Cyber-bullying as first lady but it seems you are doing just that -bullying. There are so many huge, pressing issues in today’s world. There always have been. But the threat of North Korea is becoming more real. Threats of terrorism as England and other countries experience unimaginable pain loom and we need a leader who is capable of facing that enormous burden with dignity. When you said you didn’t realize how hard being a president is, some hoped you would change your fear mongering and scare tactics, but you haven’t. After attacking a female host of MSNBC, which is just added to a long list of inappropriate behavior you gear towards women, you continue to tweet, damaging not only our view of you but the world’s view of you. We don’t need a bully in the White House. We need a leader and a man of class. A man who wants to make positive changes. There is the healthcare disaster bill that you are pushing so hard that the thought of it overwhelms most Americans. Millions of people would lose healthcare if it passed. That and the North Korean threat are only two of so many issues you should be focused on instead of what the media says about you. Furthermore, besides freedom of speech is there some truth to Mika saying you are damaging Democracy? John Adams once said “If national pride is ever justifiable or excusable it is when it springs, not from power or riches, grandeur or glory, but from conviction of national innocence, information, and benevolence.” When will you put aside glory for the good of the American people? So many times I thought, this is the final straw he has to change. I say this is a cause of action. What will be the final, final straw Mr. Trump? What will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and gives you a realization that everything has to change?

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen

How?

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How does she smile

A smile like mine?

A smile that is warm and calm gentle and kind.

But she smiles something different like when people trip or fall

When people cry or get injured she smiles

Bright and all, but how does she grin all the while?

I smile when people make me laugh,

When I watch a movie or a smile at someone walking past.

How does she manipulate my smile,

And use it as her own. It must be different in some way

Perhaps a slight sneer in scorn but no, how

Can our smiles reflect as opposites in a mirror, how

Can this be?

How can it be that she can smile the same?

This is how, it is the smile the same way I do

When I am happy am something, well someone succeeds

That kind of smile I do, except filled with greed and vanity.

And it is her eyes, my friends, which tell the true story

Of her cruel quest for overrated glory.

So, how does she smile like me

A black heart and a foolish mind,

That’s truly the difference.

I’m smilin a mile

Though danger might loom

My guardian angel will help

To save me from doom

She will disappear from my heart and my mind

And be left to bug others not so gracefully

But I am done, and her evil smile it doesn’t bother me!

The Imitation Game: A commentary of what needs to change!

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While watching the trailers, I was very excited to see this movie as it portrayed the cracking of enigma: the Nazi code of communication. I found, as the movie transpired in my mind, a different meaning and theme which is the torment of a man based on his sexuality. I was left in shock, awe, and a profound sadness that hasn’t quite left me since. I watched with deep intensity and was not disappointed by the brilliant casting of Benedict Cumberbatch as the main character. Chosen to help crack enigma his personality is off-putting but he is astoundingly brilliant. His acting is Oscar worthy without question, he is charming and awful. It takes talent to pull off both so flawlessly. I still get chills thinking about the way he transformed into that role so well. The flashbacks were a nice touch to the movie and helped explain the life of Alan in a unique way. The man who cracked this code in real life was a hero and the portrayal is haunting. Keira Knightley plays a role that I didn’t quite see her in at first but I was intrigued. She is chosen through a test to help Alan and does not dislike him when his homosexuality is revealed to her, something that was really nice to see for the time period. The other minor character were good in their own right and definitely added to the story line.

“Sometimes it’s the people that no imagines things of that can do things no one can imagine.” This line is repeated throughout the film. I loved this movie very much for many reasons, but the ending was so painful and left me deeply emotional. Alan, the protagonist is persecuted for being gay. I thought for a long time about the true message of this film and I arrived at this. Although 1951 was the time that Alan ended his life I want it to be understood that this persecution based on homosexuality has not gone away with time. I cannot imagine what other brilliant things we could have today had the government not driven him to suicide. He stopped the war by two years saving at least 14 million lives! What about his own life? Wasn’t it worth something? Even if he was an ordinary man without this discovery, is taking people down because they are different than us the answer? People fear what they do not understand. Our world will crumble if we do not learn from the past. And it appears we haven’t. Hatred is spewing from every corner of this earth. When will we realize everyone is human and deserves humane treatment? We must come together as the human race and not judge by race or sexual orientation or religion. Working torwards understanding is our only hope.

I think everyone should see this movie. It will make you feel every emotion possible. You will have a rollercoaster of feelings and you will grow and see things in a different light. That is what movies are meant to do.

Going Too Far: Cyberbu//y

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It starts out as a typical movie with teens. There are different clicks and the mean girls but Cyberbu//y shows a side of high school that few movies do. Taylor our main character is going through life enjoying it and still having her ups and downs. It is when she gets a computer that the bullying she receives at school transforms into unbearable. The acting is not outstanding, but the portrayal is chillingly similar to reality and an issue that so many people push aside until it is too late. Taylor almost takes her own life as a result of the teasing and bullying. They make videos and worse of all her best friend makes a profile as a guy who she shares deep private secrets with and then posts that not only did they have sex, but she gave him an STD.

The powerful part in this movie is someone who gets teased nonstop because he is gay. He tries to confide in her that he is being bullied too but she brushes it off. It is only when she joins a support group that her eyes are open fully to his pain and what he goes through. This character is truly brave because he goes to school being bullied and somehow handles all the awful things being thrown at him. All the people that do nothing or her friend that stops hanging out with her because she is bullied, I mean, this movie has it spot on. So many people even people that care about you are afraid to speak up. Even when the mom confronts the bully’s father he denies everything. That part is a display of how ignorant parents and adults can be to what a serious problem it is whether they are being bullied or bullying someone else.

At the end, everyone stands up for the bully and everyone applauds in a cheesy and unrealistic fashion. This part would be nice but it is not realistic that you would give three friends that betrayed you in different capacities another chance. Taylor must be really forgiving, but it wouldn’t happen. The pain that she went through would still be there and serve as a warning. Maybe you can forgive. I just don’t know. The movie dragged a bit, attempting to build suspense and had a lot going on at the end. If it was less complicated it would have been much better. However, everyone can relate to this movie.

I have been bullied so watching this brought back pain and anger. it was difficult to watch her unravel because there were moments in high school I unraveled from the pain. Every parent should see this to understand not just cyber bullying, but bullying in general. Sometimes they only understand when it is too late. Despite, lacking a good film quality, the silver lining and the idea of a support group to know you’re not alone are excellent ideas. Cyberbu//y opens a disturbing world for us, one we as human beings need to not turn a blind eye to.