I thought it was because of my tears
But we can’t see through the rain
Because we are too preoccupied
With natural disasters of our own
Don’t say that I’m the instigator
We’re too busy spinning tornadoes of feeling
And you are too busy
Formulating hurricanes
To notice
The wind, the rain, the storm of you
Is slowly wearing me down
I’m dissolving like the tide
Because in your anger
The already fragile bones in my body
And the branches of my spirit
Have snapped
It swallowed me
Half of me hates all I am
Hates all that I have become
Who am I?
What happened?
I fell through the ice
Thinner
Until it cracked
I almost drowned
And then hypothermia came knocking
Now,
I just thread water
I just get by
I DON’T WANT TO JUST GET BY
It is only a matter of time before
I fall through the ice again
This time
I know
I’m ready
I won’t fall through
I will be just fine
Getting by
Then I will
Pick up
Move away
Shadow and now
A ghost later
New life
That means more than getting by
So much more
I emerge from the ice
Like a phoenix from the ashes
I am changed
I loved you 25 pounds ago
I loved you two haircuts ago
I loved you before that promotion
I loved you before that car
I loved you before that fancy apartment
I loved you before the degrees
I loved you long before the fanfare
I loved you before everything changed for the better
Because you were the best thing that ever happened to me
Before all these things
I loved you when things were hard
I loved you when life was simple
The moment I laid eyes on you I loved you
And although great change is constantly occurring
My love for you only gets stronger
The fire burns, an eternal flame
Because before you became the person you adore
You have to know one thing:
You were always the man I loved
In April I became a college graduate
It was truly a challenge
But I never once quit
No matter the challenge I never gave up
Of course there were times where I had enough
And sometimes I wouldn’t even know why
I would shut down, break down and cry
But all the fears
From all those years
Melted away
As I made my way
Across the stage
And as I grabbed my diploma
I turned the page
Wild success
I wore my new dress
Because I have backed down
I knew that with my illness
There was a greater fight
I worked tirelessly every day and every night
I kept a schedule and I slept
I achieved my goal of my greatness goal which was a degree
Now the job struggle is real
Sometimes I think I cannot deal
But I recall all the things I did to get here
And I now a new success, a new hope is near
If I work hard, prayer harder, and think smarter
I will have a new chapter appear
I didn’t work so hard just to quit
I am a woman of sharp wit
So I will buckle down and no matter what happens now
I vow that I will
Keep on going and more still
When I fail and fall I will get back up
Dust myself off, ice the bruises
Because Maria Pondo never loses
While fighting the good fight
And while doing that my heart will ignite!
I could use some loving
The kind that is real and true
I could use some loving
Will it be from you?
I could use some loving and I don’t know what I’ll do
Because I’m fading fast
From that love him once gave me that wasn’t true
There was no love only poison which I drank
I drank down his words
So the lower I sank
Now my mind is blank
Except for thoughts that were untrue
Now I’m a little blue
But I’ll get over him too
I could use some loving
From someone who actually means it
Someone who isn’t just a good fit
Someone who really cares and understands
Someone to hold my face in their hands
And show me real love
Not falsehoods and ulterior motives
Just be gentle and genuine
Be my lover but also my best friend
Only then can we have no end
And withstand any storm
Because our fierce love will keep us warm
Keep us safe from harm
Because it was you that did charm me
Because I could use some loving
And you knew
So you held on tightly and stuck like glue
After all that you are, all that you do
I no longer need anything
Because I have you
Drained of all air
You’re my greatest nightmare
Because at night I’m filled with dread and fright
Even though you’re not there
I still care and I’m scared
I let you in my life
And it cuts like a knife
That you won’t let me go
I said we shouldn’t be together but you said oh no
You tried to make me stay
You tried so things would go your way
Not today
Today I’m saying goodbye
To all your lies
To all false truths
To all forced things
To saying you love me
But making fun of me
By saying hurtful things
By not giving me straight answers
By saying there’s no one our there for me
All manipulation
Imagine my jubilation
Once I heal
Once you’re gone
Because without you
I’ll live it up a little more every day
I’m already seeing myself so differently
Just let go of me
And if you don’t
I’m going to cut the cord
I will leave
I will be strong
Your cruel words won’t be heard long
I cannot wait to be free
And find the opposite of you
Someone who lets me be me
Silent early Sunday mornings
I sit all alone and I ponder
Sipping warm coffee
My mind begins to wonder
I’m drawn back to my dream
All though I only recall fragments
I know in it your face did gleam
I wonder about football
I wonder about war
I think about the game and who will score
I think about devastation of fire and ice destroying our nation
I would if I can take it anymore
My mind racing with these thoughts
I hope it slows but it will not
I ponder death and immortality
I ponder what it will be like when I have a family
What will my husband be like
Will he be the man of my dreams
Will he be kind and understanding
And loving and respectful
And a good father?
Will my children grow up happy and healthy?
Will I be a good mother?
Think about a garden
Think about a place
Where I’m not crying with tears burning up my face
About movies and romance
About whether or not I have a chance
Of a happy ending of my own
I wonder about God
About a job
About an apartment
About life after college
And when it will go my way
I should be grateful with what I have today
But is it human nature to desire something greater
To think about what you might want later
I am happy but I’m not content
I feel like I’ve spent
Too much time
And I want to spend the present and future
In a way that I’ll gain
All the dreams created by my sometimes awesome brain
