Dreams. They Never Retire.

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Dreams. Some of us have them. Some of us do not. Sometimes. All the time. Somewhere and everywhere. There are sometimes built over time with posters in bed rooms, movies running in our minds, and hope in our hearts. As with some movies, these can take unexpected and sometimes unfortunate turns. Because sometimes we get sick. We forfeit the championship game before the try-outs even start. We hang up our soccer shoes and remember things like the nick names we got while we attempted to fulfill them. Bruiser was my nickname and a part of my dream. Soccer was my sport, defense was my position. Then after eighth grade I got sick, and sophomore year called for no more P.E. period for me. Funny how some dreams bring other ones into light. The dream to create. Write. Compose. To be part of something bigger than yourself. To change views. How to be humble. My junior year I stepped into this new world and new dreams were pressed on fast forward. Dreams. You never really forget your dreams. To be a writer, runner, and Lover. They stay with you as you complete your morning jog, your bacon cheese burger, your chores, your romantic dinner, your fight with your roommate. As much as you try to alienate yourself from them. They call to you. To be social was another dream I never fully held on to but my bubbly personality came through and I have wonderful friends. Love, it seemed to always be slipping from my grasp when finally it seemed it had never existed. Perhaps this is the year. Now on the in-betweens, I’m trying to envision new dreams. Not to replace old ones. To be a smile now. You see funny thing about dreams. They never retire.

One day you will see me

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One day when you see me

When you really see me

Against the glow of the night

When I hold you so very tight

Until I hope with all my might

That one day you’ll see me

One day I’ll wear my hair down

One day I wear a beautiful gown

We’ll go all around town

And one day you’ll see me

If only I were enough now

In my jeans and soft gray sweater

And jokes and laughs and delight

We’d stay up cracking up all night

If we could spend an afternoon together

Despite the frigid cold weather

Then we could finally be together

And then you’ll see me

You’ll see my joy, my hope, my fears, my flaws, my strength, and hope you’ll want me still

You’ll want me for who I am

The way I want you, need you, dream about you

But until then

I lay awake

Deep breaths I take

Thinking of your jokes, your laugh

Your adorable dog and hard working character

Your blonde hair and beautiful eyes

I’ve seen you all this time

And made ever effort I could

To be open and vulnerable to you

So I wonder and question what will be

The biggest question in my heart:

Will you ever see me?

Spinning our own disasters…we can’t see through the rain

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I thought it was because of my tears
But we can’t see through the rain
Because we are too preoccupied
With natural disasters of our own
Don’t say that I’m the instigator
We’re too busy spinning tornadoes of feeling
And you are too busy
Formulating hurricanes
To notice
The wind, the rain, the storm of you
Is slowly wearing me down
I’m dissolving like the tide
Because in your anger
The already fragile bones in my body
And the branches of my spirit
Have snapped

Ice, then – Metamorphosis

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It swallowed me
Half of me hates all I am
Hates all that I have become
Who am I?
What happened?
I fell through the ice
Thinner
Until it cracked
I almost drowned
And then hypothermia came knocking
Now,
I just thread water
I just get by
I DON’T WANT TO JUST GET BY
It is only a matter of time before
I fall through the ice again
This time
I know
I’m ready
I won’t fall through
I will be just fine
Getting by
Then I will
Pick up
Move away
Shadow and now
A ghost later
New life
That means more than getting by
So much more
I emerge from the ice
Like a phoenix from the ashes
I am changed

I loved you long before…

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I loved you 25 pounds ago

I loved you two haircuts ago

I loved you before that promotion

I loved you before that car

I loved you before that fancy apartment

I loved you before the degrees

I loved you long before the fanfare

I loved you before everything changed for the better

Because you were the best thing that ever happened to me

Before all these things

I loved you when things were hard

I loved you when life was simple

The moment I laid eyes on you I loved you

And although great change is constantly occurring

My love for you only gets stronger

The fire burns, an eternal flame

Because before you became the person you adore

You have to know one thing:

You were always the man I loved

A new success, a new hope is near

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In April I became a college graduate

It was truly a challenge

But I never once quit

No matter the challenge I never gave up

Of course there were times where I had enough

And sometimes I wouldn’t even know why

I would shut down, break down and cry

But all the fears

From all those years

Melted away

As I made my way

Across the stage

And as I grabbed my diploma

I turned the page

Wild success

I wore my new dress

Because I have backed down

I knew that with my illness

There was a greater fight

I worked tirelessly every day and every night

I kept a schedule and I slept

I achieved my goal of my greatness goal which was a degree

Now the job struggle is real

Sometimes I think I cannot deal

But I recall all the things I did to get here

And I now a new success, a new hope is near

If I work hard, prayer harder, and think smarter

I will have a new chapter appear

I didn’t work so hard just to quit

I am a woman of sharp wit

So I will buckle down and no matter what happens now

I vow that I will

Keep on going and more still

When I fail and fall I will get back up

Dust myself off, ice the bruises

Because Maria Pondo never loses

While fighting the good fight

And while doing that my heart will ignite!

Because I have you

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I could use some loving

The kind that is real and true

I could use some loving

Will it be from you?

I could use some loving and I don’t know what I’ll do

Because I’m fading fast

From that love him once gave me that wasn’t true

There was no love only poison which I drank

I drank down his words

So the lower I sank

Now my mind is blank

Except for thoughts that were untrue

Now I’m a little blue

But I’ll get over him too

I could use some loving

From someone who actually means it

Someone who isn’t just a good fit

Someone who really cares and understands

Someone to hold my face in their hands

And show me real love

Not falsehoods and ulterior motives

Just be gentle and genuine

Be my lover but also my best friend

Only then can we have no end

And withstand any storm

Because our fierce love will keep us warm

Keep us safe from harm

Because it was you that did charm me

Because I could use some loving

And you knew

So you held on tightly and stuck like glue

After all that you are, all that you do

I no longer need anything

Because I have you