My old self again


You said

I love you

But you don’t

You said we would meet soon

But we won’t

You promise me things

That make my heart sing

But now there’s a ring

A wake up call

That you never really loved me at all

You used my body like a toy

Although we never met I don’t have any joy

Because you took it from me with your lies

Every time you say things

Something inside me dies

And my anguish multiples

So I will stop myself from hurt

Wipe the tears with my shirt

And realize I deserve so much more

That feeling like I can’t breath anymore

You suffocated me with false truths and deep alternative facts

Now to keep myself intact

I leave you

You are not wrong

But you are not right for me

We can never work don’t you see

You don’t love you just want to force me

Into your sick fantasy

I was fooled once but not again

And when does this end when?

It ends now!

I’m walking away from the situation

But I do not find jubilation

I am hurt and I must heal

But to my heart you will not appeal

Because I want someone genuine and real

My happiness you will no longer steal

That’s it, you’re gone

Now that I’m

Going to be alone I can deal

With my feelings and find a decent man

That will never make me compromise on who I am

Now I rest and I’m looking forward to feeling happy safe

I’m looking forward to my new life

And I’m excited to be

My old self again


And off into the twilight we walked…


Shielded from great harm

You were more than the alarm

That carried my through thick, choking smoke

You lifted me out and you nearly perished

Trying to rescue my soul

From the flames

Some would declare you insane

But no matter how big the flames got

I know I have a love that simply can’t be bought

I knew you loved me a lot

But I never knew you loved me this much

As our bodies touch

Your strong arms envelope me in a warm embrace

I think the world I know can face

Because when my world was on fire

You protected me from it

That’s something I will never get

I will never understand your sacrifice

And how anything I give back could suffice

I will never quite see

Why you protected me

When you have everything to lose

And nothing to gain

I try but I can’t refrain

From sobbing desperate tears

Because my greatest fears

Have disappeared

And what remains is you

You took me from harm’s way

And it’s in your gentle, firm arms that I want to stay

Can it be this way forever?

Where we are stronger together

Where our love is strong and true

Where you say I don’t have to repay you

You say I already did

I’m thinking you just kid

You look at me with serious eyes

And to my surprise you say

It’s all the little things you do, Maria that go such a long way

You remember the nights that I cooked dinner

You remember how I said you didn’t have to be thinner, that I loved you just the way you are

You recall when I saved you the last piece of pecan pie

You say so many reasons why

You say I bought you a special book

And everywhere you went you took it

You said have a look

And sure I enough what did I see

But a rare copy of The Great Gatsby

He continued to name all thing I did and and as he began to reminisce

I decided and stole the perfect, passionate kiss

He only grinned longingly

And off into the twilight we walked

Him and me

Let me go, I’m sick of being lovesick


I have important things to do and important places to go

Whether it rains or there is snow

Let me go, the wanting of love

Let me be, can’t you see

The want of you is slowly

Destroying me

Let me go, let me fly

Let me leave, just let me by

I want to leave this lovesick spell

I have a place I wish to dwell

I have high hopes and glorious dreams

And although it seems

That all I want is love

All I really want is life

If love finds me great

I will truly celebrate

Until then I want a job, apartment, a puppy, a life of my own

A place to call my true home

And I am sick of being lovesick

So please heart and brain

Be still for me

Because you’re driving me insane

Be still for me and let me live

Then the great sin of madness due to love that you’ve both created

Only once you release me

Only then can I forgive



Merely ghosts to each other for so long

Floating like concepts, clouds overhead

Despite how deep our connection is

We’ve yet to actually see the other

Attracted to the idea of you

Haunted by your voice

We’ve had deep conversations

But I still have a choice

You say you love me

If you do

Why can’t you meet me and I meet you?

I have to say goodbye because you say we cannot meet

My heart feels defeat

My head must pick up the pieces

That my heart destroyed

I wonder to you

Was I just a toy?

Was I just a play thing or were you for real

When you said love is what you feel?

What is your deal

What can’t we see

One another in reality

If we can’t I’ll walk away

And forever to me

A ghost you shall stay

Lasts and firsts: Cheers to the new year


Last cup of smooth coffee

Last stunning sunrise

Last calming shower

Last page of my book

Last embrace from my dad

Last football game

Last sip of hard cider

Can I stop the flow of time?

Everything is now so divine

But there are so many firsts waiting for me in 2018

First cup of coffee

First sip of champagne

First hug from my family

Maybe first and last first kiss

First snowfall

First call from my grandma

First time on the ice

First time at the library

Cheers to all the calm and frenzy in this year

And a toast to all the firsts

In the next year

To health, happiness, and bliss

To all the things I have and the things I miss

To another year of wonderful firsts

I send my love and wishes and more

Because there is so much wonder 2018 has in store

Someone else


I just wander
As I wonder
Would my life be any less painful
If I were someone else?

But no, I would never switch
Never give someone else my pain
I was asked to carry it
I was asked to bear it

I just wonder
As I wander
Would my life be any less painful
If I were someone else?

No! I cannot do that.
I must be the best version of who I am
I must take on the demons
I must win
Because despite the pain
I love me for me
I never want to change
I never truly want to be
Someone else

Until I find you


I loved so much I wrote it all down

A college thesis neatly bound

But it really didn’t matter

Because my heart did shatter

And completely splatter

I loved so much that I did truly crazy things

I tried to do whatever get my heart to sing

I tried in vain to chase that feeling

Instead it made me sick and now I’m healing

I loved so much I lost my way

I couldn’t find a place to stay

I felt I didn’t belong anywhere

Except in your arms

And now that place isn’t there

I’ve tried to find someone to care for and love me

I’ve been hoping for so long and quietly

So I compose this

Because I suppose this

One day you’ll find me

Maybe in a book store

Maybe on a hike

Maybe while I’m riding my bike

Maybe in the library

Maybe in the theater

Maybe in Church

Maybe somewhere else


One day

We’ll meet

Because I’ve loved so much I know

That once we love one another that feeling won’t go

And so as it begins to snow

That’s just what I’ll do

I’ll be very patient and continue on hoping

Until I find you