The feeling of Christmas deep inside my heart

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In my mind I just couldn’t conceive

How quickly it became Christmas Eve

The cookies have been baked

There’s more cooking still to do

There’s many more people to say I love you

To my entire family

A deep love strong as can be

This time of year

Causes me to reflect on all I hold dear

I love the carols, cookies, and vivid colors that surround me

I love all the joy so I wrap it carefully

In rich crimson, deep green, and glittering gold

Because the spirit of Christmas has made me daring, made me bold

Everyone still asleep

In their beds and dreaming deep

But I’m up because I’m filled with delight

That’s it’s the night before

Jesus being born away in a manger

What could be stranger than my thoughts

They bring to the fact that I’m alone and not in love

I want to be but it won’t come

So I hum a Christmas tune

I’ve been humming since late June

In hopes that next year

The man I love will be right here

But until then my family and friends

Give me unconditional love that truly is boundless and never ends

So on this eve

I do believe

I’m very blessed

To get off my chest

The way I feel

Because it’s so surreal

The feeling of Christmas deep inside my heart

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The meaning of the season…

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Christmas time is practically here

I feel it in the love of people that are dear

Are dear to me because I know

After Christmas they have to go

Go back home but before I burst

I know that this home was their first

The music playing so beautifully

Michael Buble’s voice serenading me

The food so delicious, the aroma fills the air

I want to just stop and stare

I want to capture this one perfect moment

And not let it slip

Slowly I’m losing my grip

The tears begin to drip

Because there is so much love

When we are all together

For the worse or for the better

We stand as united as one

Our love as a family will overcome

Any obstacle, any test

So this Christmas season I’ll do my best

To remember that the reason for the season is closeness to God above

But the meaning of the season is your heart being filled with love

Everything in Life has a Price

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Everything in life has a price.
Risks, opportunities, struggles, sacrifice.
You can’t please everyone.
If you go and choose sides
A dangerous game of chance you’ve entered in –
Secrets, gossip, privacy tainted, feelings flattened, obliterated.
Burdens, back stabbing of someone you once regarded as a friend
A Cross you carry across
Your shoulders – surprise surprise…
If you can afford a
Mistake of that magnitude
You must be willing to accept punishment
Something that un-called for that you do
And choose to act
Are you acting to help the situation;
Or merely to react?

What do you do in this once special case?
What can you achieve when you say something, and regret it
For as long as the blazing sun rises and glittering moon sets.
What if no words you utter or actions you execute
Can fix the leaky pipe that is everlasting tears?
You are left with lingering guilt and shame-something worse then the sum of all fears.

Still staggering, carrying that cross along.
Is it enough to protect your heart?
I would stay attempting to shield
It is pretty darn smart.
A blood hound or intuition.
The disasters, the scars that
Are cavernous, puncturing not physical-
A wound somewhere deep inside, burning
A hole right through you as if you were
A block of dry wood;
Flames fed by the oxygen of life’s cruelties.

How far are you willing to bend before you break?
Not everyone is that flexible, we can only handle so much misery and grief.

At last is the long lull of lies
A sweet symphony of statements that hide
The truth, the reality of existence
So finally the price of a large quantity is – kidding ourselves
Being diagnosed with a permanent illness
Waking up each morning and
Telling ourselves nothing has changed,
But knowing everything has. Nothing will be quite as it once was.

A simple example running that red light
Every night until death comes to call, he takes the couple and infant in
The other car.
You demise will be slow and painful, death will come back for you.
But wait even good choices come with a price
You may have saved a majority
But one man remains
Paying the price for “not fast enough”
If you love a man but two men love you,
You and the chosen may live in a garden of harmony – a perfect picture,
While that is something the other one left can’t do.
So before you step out into the world
Remember that everything
From the tiniest comment to the largest achievement-
Everything in life has a price!

I’ll love you in the snow…

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I’ll love you in the snow

I’ll love you on the beach

I’ll love you in the water

I’ll love you on the land

I’ll love you no matter where I go

I will say this speech

I’ll love you in the park

I’ll love you in the store

I’ll love you until I can love no more

Then I will still love you because it’s all I know

This deep love that swallows me whole

I’ll love you when I bowl

I’ll love you when I sleep

I’ll love you when I brush my teeth

I’ll love you when I sing

I’ll love you as I sip coffee

I’ll love you when I dance

I’ll love you when I cry

I’ll love you in advance

I’ll love you when I hike

I’ll love you when I ride my bike

I’ll love you when I eat burgers and cheese fries

I’ll love you while I organize the library

I’ll love you when I read

I’ll love you when I get a job and move out and succeed

I’ll love you until I’m numb and blue

I’ll love you forever

That’s how long I’ll love you

I’ll love you when I garden

When I dress the Christmas tree

I’ll love you when I shovel snow

I’ll love you with such glee

I’ll love you when I clean

I’ll love you when I watch football

I’ll love you while I pray

I’ll love you while I shop

And I will never stop

I’ll love you when all the lights are out and there’s the approaching dawn

I’ll love you until the end of time is gone

And if you love me in return

I could learn to love even more

When our souls interlock

The love will be a shock of energy

My life anew

All because no matter where I am

I will always love you

War Stories from my Father, in the Honor of Poland

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If there’s one thing I know, it is that telling stories is more difficult then telling tales. Telling stories is waiting for the moment when your friend is listening, I mean really listening and you pour out your feelings. Telling tales is adding or subtracting from what actually happened, and that is a lie. These “tall tales” or metafictional works of the imagination are what our narrator wants us to watch out for. O’Brien points this out right away- that metafiction is where truth and fake diverge. He indicates that when you see a horrid event, reality leaves you for a while. Sometimes the truth, meaning what actually happened, is so hard to digest that you want something pleasant in the story. The author indicts that those stories are half truth or less. This entire chapter in it’s self is a threshold between what really happened and what people want you to believe. Nature plays a key role in how “he died was almost beautiful.” Curt Lemon died, yes, but O’Brien toys with reality in my mind until the truth comes out. That’s the trouble with war stories, O’Brien declares. I agree, for when he says that they are supposed to hurt the stomach, I can attest to that myself.

When I was really sick in bed, last night actually, and I thought of a question, one I have wanted to know for years my dad was at my side. I was feeling nauseous, and in incredible amounts of pain. My dad stayed with me almost the entire night leading into the day. The question I asked him baffled him, I knew right away in his tone. His answer was even more shocking. Actually, the story he told is still intriguing me, how against even the evils of Hitler my grandfather, whom I never met survived the Second World War. The story translated into English went like this:

My father was the leader of about ten other men. (I ask how many) Ten, he says. (Then he pauses for a while lost in thought, and continues.) They were the men who gave information back to the Allies’ powers, but when the Russian men came, they knew. They knew that my dad was not on Hitler’s side, so they had a plan. A plan to kill the men, he said. (Then he paused, this time a different pause- a sad pause. Seeing my eyes in the dim light filled with intrigue he continued slowly though. I was scared of what was to come of the men. My fears came true when he suddenly told the rest of the story. I thought maybe the men…, when my dad seeing my imagination going went on too.) Four of them were caught the next day, taken to Siberia where they were brutally done away with. (Heads cut off or something worse I asked my dad.) It was probably worse knowing Stalin but not for your ears child. The next dawn, my father and his remaining men escaped quietly, quickly and most importantly ( my dad said) without a chase. (How far I asked?) From the tip of Illinois to the border of Iowa (for I needed an estimated route), and stayed there until they knew no one would come back to their hideout. My father just knew, child, he knew that it was safe, and so they came back and worked. More alert now, my dad says. He wasn’t taken ( he declared). To the working camp either, the death camp, he ran away from that also. (How, I asked) God, he said. He was a good man, Maria. (I wished I had met him.) Then my dad says he wishes also. After that, he was quiet and I swear I could see tears forming at the brim of his pale, tired eyes. Then I asked one final question, and asking it almost made me cry, so I cannot imagine what it must have done for him.

Do you miss your dad? Yes, too much his said. That is why child, I think of Poland less, or differently. Because I do not have a mom or a dad. Hearing him say that aloud at 50, for the first time baffled me, but just then I began rapid coughing once again. So he helped me. For hours, and his mind was on helping me, but his eyes felt strange. I think his eyes where in Poland.

What these songs mean to me

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Hinder- Better than me (please listen to the entire song)
This song, I have memorized, listening to countless times. I can relate so much to the singer. I came upon it by accident, just like I came to find a new love for a certain individual. I actually do miss his hair in my face. We never went out, but I told myself to stop missing him. But since I lie to him everyday, like at the beginning “with all the lies that I made you believe” I love the melody of the song, it speaks to me, and the guitar at the beginning draws me in. When I feel lousy, awful, and rotten this song tells a realistic tale that I appreciate to hear. I love to imagine the “box of notes” “that time at the mall.” Hinder dishes out these sweet lyrics that break me heart, because I feel the reality behind them. Sadly, my self- esteem isn’t what it used to be and sometimes I think anyone could do better than me.

Sugar Cult – Pretty Girl
I put myself in the place of “pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything”
“She’s beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men” Like in the song, I am under this spell. Aware of evil men, but I am blinded by initial kindness. The beats of the song, the desperation in his voice, the distressing tone that sometimes can make me shed tears because the words are spun beautifully together. Hopefully I will “find out what his intentions were about.” It is a song about how a pretty girl must be strong on the inside, even though sometimes the pain cannot be helped. I think it is a good touch how some places his voice is soft and other times it is harsh, like the refrain of the song.

The Beatles – Yesterday
Changing gears a bit, comes The Beatles. I love their mellow tones and catchy, captivating lyrics. Sometimes I think we all long for yesterday. A blast from the past, to feel good a little longer, before the phantom of tomorrow takes it. Also how love is described as a game we all play. I love to sit on the couch and listen to Tonia play it on the piano while I sing it. This song although it is sad, brings happy memories forward for me. I like the instruments in the background as they add subtle appeal to the voices. I can fall asleep thinking about yesterday, it makes tomorrow less scary to look in the eye.

Reliant K – Be my Escape (Please listen to entire song)
This song makes all of my emotions stick out at one point. I came upon it by accident, suddenly entranced when a second ago I was nearly asleep. Sitting at the spot light so far away, I turned off my headset, letting go of communication with the other technicians to listen. Again I have it memorized and everyday coming home after a long day of crew, I love listening to the idea of having a special person that would be my escape from this world of pain, drama, and cruelty. I mean nothing bad would happen if I had that escape, because we’d be together and he’d protect me. The beginning “blending in so you won’t even know me” and the last few lines “I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was safe my own skin
Ohhh but so were you
So were you.” I think he is saying someone has to be the bigger person and both unfortunately are just trying to save themselves from hurt, unwilling to take that chance.

The Fray – Heaven Forbid
A horrid day. From the moment I woke up, something was wrong. Fighting with my mom is always a bad start to a day. In school, my expectations socially and academically are far too high. Getting yelled at for not being perfect, I grab my I-pod, and actually for the first time imagine – “heaven forbid I end up alone and don’t know why” Honestly, besides the lovely instrumentation I only listen to this song when I feel I have lost hope in not the world, not my friends, or family, but in me. This song says “take a breath, just take a seat. You’re falling apart and tearing at the seams” that is how I feel, tearing apart at the seams, starting to show to the world that hey! I can hurt too. I’m not bullet-proof emotionally by any stretch. “Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow you’ll be alright”

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars
When I hear this song, I melt into the floor in love. The video implies what the song intends. I love the idea of chasing cars around our heads. I love that fact that the phrase I love you is inadequate to this singer for I can see how it could be. The English language can be so lacking sometimes when it comes to these things so he asks, “would you lay with him and just forget the world”. That is the one you love. The one that stops time and the world for you and you go with him. This is actually my ring tone, one that is loud, one that is melodic and mushy, and one I adore. It makes me wish I could just freeze time or speed it up to fix what shattered in my life. This song is final though, it is a yes or no. There is no thinking about it for a few days. The singer wants to know and know now. I have learned from a teacher time heals, but not the time you choose. So this sappy idea of a picture perfect romance only convinces me on a good day.

StoneSour 17– Zzxyz Rd
(Actual band, actual song)
The song has some latent anger that I think I can relate to because he can only imagine it. It makes me think of poetry of writing because the piano makes me weep. The piano is a lament a release of pain and suffering. He is at wits end. I feel just like this man. Can’t sleep, thinking of the pile of broken promises and lies. The thought of life forgetting about you is so heartbreaking. He is lost truly lost. I feel like this sometimes. Then when the second acoustic part comes I picture someone close to me leaving. The imagines he picks are raw, blunt, and simply sad but he sings the truth, he wants to fade away. He wants to live but he doesn’t really know – at the end it seems like he is screaming bellowing about being tired, but having to go. I feel like that, like my mind wants a million things to happen at once. The guitar is a delicious little interlude there, but I wish his voice was more soothing. Or perhaps harsh, rhythmic tones are what he needs to get across.

Landon Pigg – Can’t let go
This is a laid back mellow tune. Some others I chose are harsh, desperate, or empty inside while this one is just a balanced scale of music with lyrics. An honest man, saying he simply can’t let go. Men should be honest like him! “It’s not that our love died, it just never bloomed. Can’t move on from the past” I almost think the melody should be frustrated or anger with this anger tone, but he seems kind of happy be him one-sided love, simply repeating that he can’t let go, and without lifting a finger she is holding him back, I like that idea of being kind of under this spell.

Josh Groban – Now or Never
A splinter in the light, it’s been hiding there inside for all this time- this melody is a song you can’t turn off. It puts an intoxicating spell, the urgency in his voice, the piano background. -No one’s fault no black or white, only you and me on this endless night- This song could very easily be worked into to a poem the blare of his voice is so inviting to me. He has a song powerful voice that he doesn’t need to commercialize his products; his fame and fans love his voice the most. Not trying to sell an image, he catches my heart and attention and never lets go. On my I-pod, I will play him after a stressful day of crew and school and everyone in the car thinks my smiling that the lyrics is a little weird, but I can’t help imagine his words, crystallize them into reality.

The Killers – Glamorous Indie rock and roll
This song takes me to a difference Era and a different place. “It’s in his soul it’s what I need, indie rock and roll, it’s time…
Two of us, flippin through a thrift store magazine, she plays the drums I’m on tambourine, bet your bottom dollar on me” this song makes me feel reckless and impulsive, spontaneous and urgent. I feel anger that I can tunnel into energy – like shattering glass, something final like that. “Let’s cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens” That is the spur of the moment I feel, like declaring love or visiting an exotic country. “Making up breaking up what do you care?” This vocal combined with the eclectic instrumentation makes me and this sing complete.

Frank Sinatra – Unforgettable
Lavish gifts. Expensive houses and cars. Cell phones, laptops, I-pod, Plasma screen TVs. Designer label clothes and dining at five star restaurants. Exclusive buildings, after school activities, parties. All of these things are a part of the life I know. Wants and needs clash and become the same. There no longer becomes a dividing line between life’s needs and frivolous odds and ends, like a daily Starbucks fix. This song makes me feel for once, not guilty of what I have, when so many have so little. But is it all worth anything, if I am unhappy? Some many have less but really much more. They have love, a person that takes them for who they are, cares about them unconditionally, loves and protects them, and balances them. Loneliness is a window of myself that people rarely see, and I like this song because it gives hope that someday, to someone I will be this exquisite unforgettable woman that is being depicted. “Someday… how the thought of you does things to me… forevermore that’s how you’ll stay… my mind’s eye takes the piano and creates a moonlit waltz in my future.” Only Frank Sinatra can create an entire evening from a simple song.

The Pursuit of Happiness

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Liberty, sovereignty, freedom
Lots of words to describe that feeling
Steady as they come.
Freedom means that I can say and do as I please
Without being punished and brought to my knees.
The liberty to have a religion, a sexual preference, and an opinion
That wouldn’t get you hung.
Woman and men stand
Hand in hand in the work world.
Although we have a glass ceiling to break through,
We do it without paying attention to color of skin
You can be comfortable with the color you’re in.
In America, so many kinds of people under the sun
And come together to life as one.
We seek lavish living and liberty makes that possible.
Although extremists exist
Hate crimes and discrimination persist
So does the pursuit of happiness.
So, we are free to live in houses and more
Walk to the store, without soldiers
Or car bombs galore.
A different world that one is
Freedom is dream to them, so close
Yet so distant because the hearts of men cease
And their murderous plans of War=Peace.
In America, we are ignorant as to how
They life, how they must plow
Through peril at every turn.
Here in America, people having been coming
To find something and they usually do.
They came with nothing looking for
Freedom, a better safer life.
My parents are in that group.
I see first hand how I got a better life, education, medical care
Because we’re in America.
I don’t always give credit where credit is due,
America, although I’ll always be 100% Polish
There will be a place for liberty and you in my heart too.