Can you lead me to the light?

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So very Cold
Prick Prick Prick
Such deep Coughing
Sick Sick Sick
Trembling Sad
Weep Weep Weep
Sudden Noise
Creep Creep Creep
Intense Fear
Yell Yell Yell
Blazing Sad
Hell Hell Hell
Daylight?
You? You? You?
Is it you?

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Cry

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I’m scared of the dark
And who might be lurking there
I’m scared of going outside at night
And finding someone hiding there
I’m scared of storms
I’m scared of planes
I’m scared when hail
Comes down when it rains
I fear tomorrow
I fear today
I fear that I will waste away
From all this fear

I’m scared of running
Running so fast
That I’ll be at the
Edge of the Earth
And run right past
I wish that you’d come
To hold me at last

But I hope you
Don’t come to me
Because more than the
Planes or stalkers killing me
I’m afraid of your mind games,
Afraid of you hurting me
I fear this more than anything

My heart will never heal
With these feelings
I will always be left alone to deal
All I want is an explanation, a reason
Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds
And left me here to cry

Spinning our own disasters…we can’t see through the rain

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I thought it was because of my tears
But we can’t see through the rain
Because we are too preoccupied
With natural disasters of our own
Don’t say that I’m the instigator
We’re too busy spinning tornadoes of feeling
And you are too busy
Formulating hurricanes
To notice
The wind, the rain, the storm of you
Is slowly wearing me down
I’m dissolving like the tide
Because in your anger
The already fragile bones in my body
And the branches of my spirit
Have snapped

Wishes from my Youth

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A sudden dread creeps up my spine
It no longer can align
I search in vain for what to do
When my life is so undone
I’m no longer having much fun
Going through the motions
Is making me weak
Pretending I’m content
Is making me sick
Although cold has swallowed the world
I dwell outside
I want answers
The wind brings with it clarity
The wind brings with it all I see
The wind brings change
I lay under the giant tree from my childhood
I lay a different person
A woman, no longer a little girl
I wonder what my future is
I ponder when my luck will change
And I get lost in those moments
That the little girl inside me created
And the little girl inside me
Still wants more than anything
As a little girl, I desperately fought for those things
For a job that makes me happy
For a man that makes my heart sing
For children to love
For a dog to walk
For a place of my own
For a car that hugs every curve
For a life that is mine
Troubled and happy
Delight in disorder
I fight even harder now, but I can’t seem to get there
Perhaps I should fight with the tenacity of my younger self
Young Maria believed in dreams
Young Maria believed in everything
Young Maria was blissfully happy
Perhaps I can go back in my heart
Perhaps those powerful wishes
From my youth, can rise up again

To Protect him

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He’s ill again
I mean, he has a condition
Several actually
I have to suspend my worry
But I have to
Protect him from stress
Protect him from getting worked up
Protect him from noise
Protect him
I stay quiet
My own pain festers and swells
My own pain threatens to swallow me up
My own pain suffocates me
I put up a book to read
And suddenly I’m out of the water
I can breath
My relief is temporary
My pain begins to fester again
But I’ll do whatever I have to
To protect him
But, in all of this, who will protect me?

Leave me smouldering…

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Pain smashing holes in my agony
No job – Slam
No lover – Smack
No apartment – slash
Can’t drive a car – slam
Can’t find a purpose – smack
Can’t find a reason to smile – slash
There’s slams and smacks and slashes
Burning holes in my soul
Leave my smoudlering
Let me be the one to save my soul
Can I constrain the cells?
Can I contain the pain?
Can I compartmentalize the parts until I’m okay?
Can I make myself whole?