If we weren’t right for each other

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Maybe we weren’t right for each other

But why do I feel this way inside?

I felt like if I saw you,

Part of me would want to hide

I wouldn’t want to be around

A person I loved so much

But when I tried to be close to you

It seemed you didn’t want my touch

After all the things that have happened,

The new guys, the dates

For some reason it’s for you I wait

Is it a mistake that I want to see you again

One more time

To know for sure that

That you would change on a dime

Is not realistic

But why do I miss you so much sometimes

If we weren’t right for each other?

Crazy about being crazy in love 

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Maddening 
Heart pounding 

Sweat inducing 

But oh so passionate 

Dream scenarios in my head

Dreaming about hugs, kisses, and cuddling under the stars 

Of all the crazy stupid love 

Happy joyous reckless hope

That one day days are so wonderful 

And nights are a kiss goodnight

Nights are not lonely 

More than someone to fill a void

A passionate affair

My Mr. right 

That’s me

Crazy about being crazy in love 

Throwback Thursday: Nina’s dark dream world

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I cannot dance to save my life, but I love watching dance and have never seen Swan Lake. You have probably seen hundreds of films, plays, and musicals, but you haven’t experienced anything until you have witnessed Black Swan. Natalie Portman is gripping from start to end. The film is captivating and takes us into Nina’s (Portman’s) world of Dance which we are quick to enter and her mentally ill mind. Masterfully directed by Darren Aronofsky, many angles of this film are ones you consider once the movie is over. It is like a song in your mind and parts of it splash on to you like a hurricane. You cannot look away no matter how disturbing because you want to be side by side with every minute of action and at times you feel that energy. I watched the end in disbelief, knowing it was worth it and that “I felt it, it was perfect.” She wanted it so badly. To become the lead ballerina and the Choice is Swan Lake. We meet Beth, the older dancer who has a horrendous accident the night that Nina has an important dinner presenting her as swan queen to the public. Her teacher is a womanizer and his lexicon is suggestive but Nina wants the Swan Queen role. Enter Mila Kunias.  Lily who has emotions “she’s not faking it” says the teacher, Tom. They are told the story of the black Swan and Nina is chosen to the anger and jealous of other dancers. It is assumed that Nina is having liaisons with Tom. His nefarious behavior or kissing her and groping her is despicable, a man we love to hate.  She is this look of fear that never really goes away. She has no role model.

I was taken aback by her mother’s disturbing influence. Her mother has Nina under her watchful eye and it is alarming to see that while Nina is self- mutilating, her mother just is drugged out in the other room. The little music box plays and sends our protagonist into dreams with the dark, devilish prince that causes her to awake in fright. The male teacher in charge of the company suggests that Nina touch herself, but hurting herself is something Nina begins to fancy. The clothes are extravagant and the film has amazing graceful ballet. It explores a dark side. Nina is falling apart and I can’t help but want to put myself through the screen and hug her. It appears that it is too late for that as The White Swan Nina plays masterfully. It is the black Swan that troubles her and fogs her mind. There are many aspects of this film that you don’t know if they actually occurred or not. Her having sexual intercourse with Lily after lily puts a drug in her drink to let her “roll”. Also, when her mom takes the door knob away and tells Nina she called and said Nina wasn’t well, Nina gets out of the apartment or rather storms out. It is opening night. Here she has a scene with Lily that I will never forget.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you would cross the line for reaching it? This dream she has had for so long is her moment! No one can swoop up and steal her precious time that she slaved away practicing and bleeding in the name of ballet. Perhaps Lily, the new girl, embodies the qualities of the black swan. This film teaches and shows us the dark element of dance. I would never want to dance or have dreams like Nina.  It takes you far past the edge into this world of obsession and madness that Nina cannot turn away from. What I love about this film is that there isn’t time and money and talk about the weather as things that bother you or make you stop and question things. It’s organic in the way it chooses to alarm and electrify your very being. Amid her woes you see that see loves dancing and it is everything to her. This lavish, decadent life she receives a glimpse of but on the downward spiral I want to scream but know it is too late. It’s over before you can help or see anyone who can. Truly it sways and rocks you into a troubled slumber of your own. Not for the weak of heart, I recommend Black Swan to anyone who has ever had a challenge in their life and given up or grown obsessed with that very challenge.

I’m Scared

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I’m scared of the dark

And who might be lurking there

I’m scared of going outside at night

And finding someone hiding there

I’m scared of storms

I’m scared of planes

I’m scared when hail

Comes down when it rains

I fear tomorrow

I fear today

I fear that I will waste away

From all this fear

 

I’m scared of running

Running so fast

That I’ll be at the

Edge of the Earth

And run right past

I wish that you’d come

To hold me at last

 

But I hope you

Don’t come to me

Because more than the

Planes or stalkers killing me

I’m afraid of your mind games,

Afraid of you hurting me

I fear this more than anything

 

My heart will never heal

With these feelings

I will always be left alone to deal

All I want is an explanation, a reason

Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds

And left me here to cry

Crossroads

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When you are at a crossroads with something you love

When you finally feel like you belong
After a quarter century of wondering
Where is my place

I found my space, my place
And that place might disappear or be altered…

What do you do??
How do you react??

With angry?
With tears?
How when you voted to save what you love do you feel so overwhelmed?

How do you eat, sleep, or exist
When your world is changing
And you can’t catch up mentally
With what is transpiring right before you?

There is little time to process
Only time to act

But, with how I am feeling,
Does anything matter anymore?

Do I matter?

The Abyss

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It’s when I finally think everything is fine

After I awake and I start my Wednesday…

I look up and realize something terrifying

Blackout, I blacked out from anxiety

Even though the sun barely had time to hit my eyes

Half an hour has passed like a minute

I want to take the hand that’s offered by my friend

And hold on so incredibly tight

I wonder about this next level anxiety

Falling into an actual abyss

I wonder if I’m being tested

So I furiously clean, clean, clean

Fear fainting again, fear the blackout, fear missing class

But mostly, I fear being swallowed up by the abyss

So I make a plan, make phone calls, I struggle to pray

And consider that there’s time I cannot account for

It’s too much to analyze

So I make some coffee

Maybe I can just wish it away…

 

Suddenly sick

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What began with a little coughing 

And choking on my morning coffee on Saturday 

Evolved into a plague-like shock

One minute I’m at a car show, I’m doing my assignments and laundry 

It was a great day, a balance of work and play

Suddenly these overwhelming chills

Grasp my being and I think nothing of it at first. Take a blanket and all is well.

Then I’m putting on pajamas and I’m shaking so much and I’m so, so cold…

The temperature is rising in my body to an immense heat and in my mind 

Worries of missing school on Monday aren’t far behind

It grasps me with a sudden, cruel sickening

Like a plague it has no mercy, only agony and punishment

But I go forward, praying for an overnight miracle. 

Now we wait.

I wake.

It’s 2:18 am

I’m so cold I cannot bear it, but my body’s so hot I’m afraid

My muscles ache, better not to move at all, but I have to take action 

Tylenol is taken and I wait for any relief 

Sleep comes hard to me

Sleep will come eventually, won’t it?