Maddening Intensity of Calm and Ease

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I leave the car slowly and
I see you, it’s you… and I feel butterflies
I feel a sense of anticipation.
We embrace and we walk towards the restaurant
I feel each step as I walk next to you
It feels natural, like we’ve walked together before
Except we haven’t
We smile and walk up to the counter
Breathe in…
You ask, Do you know what you want?
I say Yes, I always get the same thing.
You glance the menu and we order.
Breathe out…
We wait a long time for our food.
But I feel it.
Standing there.
Glancing at you.
I feel stillness.
I feel calm.
I feel peace.
I feel traquail next to you.
I breathe nice and even breaths. I smile. I laugh.
We talk through the evening and it’s so nice.
I feel calm sipping tea and I listen to you.
I appreciate your casual attire.
It calms me.
I dressed up too much…
It feels effortless being with you.
I don’t feel maddening intensity except I do.
I feel maddening intensity of joy.
Maddening intensity of calm and ease.
Of our first meeting.

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Screaming and Silence

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But without a job and
Without him
Without those two things
It feels like I just go through the motions
It feels overwhelming and numb
It feels like screaming and silence
Want to be thankful
I have a roof over my head
I have an abundance of food
I have a place to sleep
I have a loving family
I have good friends
I have what I need
But what if those two things I want
Are also what I need?
Are there a handful of some magic words I can say
And then everything will be okay?

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I ponder this

Something is amiss

In my head and in my heart

Something’s tearing me apart

29 and can’t find love at all

Am I cursed to sit against this wall

That I cannot break free from

My heart beats like a drum

To a somber tune

From January to June

From June to December

All I can remember is

That I’m without the other

And as another year passes

I feel it slip away from me

The grand vision of love

I used to once clearly see

Now I think we can all concur

That instead of a face, a place, a true love

Even without tears streaming

All I can see, it’s completely a

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Inside

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I hold all my hopes

All my dreams

All my love

All my secrets

All my joy

All my pain

All my wonder

All of me

Inside

Can you help me?

Can we break that wall together?

Can we together discover

All the things I hide?

Would you want to be with me

Even though I cry quietly

Because as much as I try to open up

Because I’m so afraid

I keep it all inside

There was a time I was happy

That was the time you were with me

That was the only time in my life

That no matter my strife

I didn’t have to hide

I didn’t have to keep it hidden inside

You were the best thing that happened to me

I hope one day it could be

That I find a way once again

To truly open

To not

Keep it all locked, hidden inside

I wonder as I wander

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When we text 

You always know how 

To make me smile 

Laugh, ponder, and much more

You see the world in a unique 

Positive way 

I dream of us together 

But, I don’t want to lose you as 

My good friend 

It’s blurred lines

I hope you like me

How I like you

I feel that our hearts beat

At the same pace 

Wanderlust overcomes my soul

When we used to talk between classes

I was always challenged 

Now, I’m excited or crying or angry or happy

I want to tell you

I wonder as I wander

Do you feel things for me?