Leave me smouldering…

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Pain smashing holes in my agony
No job – Slam
No lover – Smack
No apartment – slash
Can’t drive a car – slam
Can’t find a purpose – smack
Can’t find a reason to smile – slash
There’s slams and smacks and slashes
Burning holes in my soul
Leave my smoudlering
Let me be the one to save my soul
Can I constrain the cells?
Can I contain the pain?
Can I compartmentalize the parts until I’m okay?
Can I make myself whole?

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She is wildfires

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Once upon a time there was a young women.
She was in college, she was in confusion.

She was… chaos.
She was… crashing waves.
Couldn’t be saved so
She saved herself.
With some help
Now she’s beautiful, remarkable chaos.
Pounding rain
Now she’s the embodiment
Of having love on the brain.
She is old, creased pages
She is organization
She is triumphant celebration
She is thunder,
She is clarity,
She is wildfires.
And once she spreads
You will never get her image, her life, her joy
Out of your spinning head.

And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply ever again…

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Agony pain burning fires
In my brain
In my body
In my heart
I can’t put the fire out
Water doesn’t work
I thought I could drown it in tears
But that increases the flames
Like my tears are gasoline
I thought I could suffocate it
With my sweater
But instead
It suffocates me.
Smoke, fire, flames bursting through my heart.
Suddenly a dangerous explosion
My heart’s a million tiny pieces
Shattered, scattered
I finally put the fire out
Superhuman strength appears
I say no more as the music blares
Strong resolve to survive
but the damage of the fire
It is overwhelming
It’s burning pain I can still feel
The shock of the smoke
Collapses my lungs
The sadness of joy turned into sparks
Sparks of absolute agony
The fire was uninviting torture
Torture and hell
Truly it was the deepest level of hell
I felt pain in places I didn’t know I could
Now the charred remains will get off this train
I walk to go shower
My charred self
Recovering what I can
Abandoning the rest
And recalling how high the flames got

And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply again…
Knowing they could.
Off to shower, drink coffee and pretend everything is fine.
Until it is.

Brain on Fire

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Attacking me
Smacking me
Shaking me
Breaking me
Forsaking me
Harming me
Alarming me
Brain on Fire

Shattering me
Clattering me
Slashing me
Thrashing me
Tearing me
Scaring me
Brain on fire

Pounding the table
I am unable to stop
Until my hands are black and blue
Imploding me then
Exploring me
Screaming until my lungs shatter
In the end it doesn’t even matter
Brain on fire

I’m still so cold, so numb
I cannot feel the flames
Who is left to blame
I’ve been so sick for so long
I feel all hope for me is gone
So I erupt
My pain acute and abrupt
Flames of perpetual agony
Brain on Fire

Ode to Pain

Standard

Agony pain burning fires
In my brain
In my body
In my heart
I can’t put the fire out
Water doesn’t work
I thought I could drown it in tears
But that increases the flames
Like my tears are gasoline
I thought I could suffocate it
With my sweater
But instead
It suffocates me.
Smoke, fire, flames bursting through my heart.
Suddenly a dangerous explosion
My heart’s a million tiny pieces
Shattered, scattered
I finally put the fire out
Superhuman strength appears
I say no more as the music blares
Strong resolve to survive
but the damage of the fire
It is overwhelming
It’s burning pain I can still feel
The shock of the smoke
Collapses my lungs
The sadness of joy turned into sparks
Sparks of absolute agony
The fire was uninviting torture
Torture and hell
Truly it was the deepest level of hell
I felt pain in places I didn’t know I could
Now the charred remains will get off this train
After class
After talking to Ethan
After help from Heidi
After wisdom from Janet and Glendalyn
After tea with Bella
I walk to go shower
My charred self
Recovering what I can
Abandoning the rest
And recalling how high the flames got

And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply again…
Knowing they could.
Off to shower, drink coffee and pretend everything is fine.
Until it is.