Thoughts on The Goldfinch


The goldfinch is the most remarkable novel I have picked up in recent memory. The daunting 771 pages made it seem like I would never finish, never know what happens to Theo and perhaps more curiously, to the painting. I thought the narration in this book was what gave it its brilliance from the start. I was immediately immersed in Theo’s world and with the turn of every page enchanted by the characters and the city of New York. Theo, and his friends (and guardian) Andy, Boris, and Hobie couldn’t have been more different but were all such key characters to the story. They came and went as the author saw fit and that was the brilliance of this novel. Just like the painting “disappeared” from the museum and then reappeared after quite a journey, people appeared and reappeared in Theo’s life, fleeting moments in a coming of age story for the ages. The loss of Theo’s mother forever haunted him and I believe it caused his downward spiral. And despite his father’s behavior that loss also stunned him. I don’t know who is to blame for the unbelievable drug use in this novel, however I believe Theo and Boris used drugs to numb their minds from reality. What that left me with was Theo’s reality. Maybe I should be incredibly disturbed by this book, but Theo’s story broke my heart and I was truly hoping that he and Pippa would have a happy ending. However, I have heard from someone wise, that sometimes people with jagged edges cut each other until they both shatter. Therefore, The was no way that they could be together and Pippa makes that point herself. This novel shocked me but also made me consider how cruel life can be. I wonder only, how Theo and his life go forward after the events that unfolded in Europe and how despite his travel and unknown status of engagement, how is Theo really feeling inside?

Lasts and firsts: Cheers to the new year


Last cup of smooth coffee

Last stunning sunrise

Last calming shower

Last page of my book

Last embrace from my dad

Last football game

Last sip of hard cider

Can I stop the flow of time?

Everything is now so divine

But there are so many firsts waiting for me in 2018

First cup of coffee

First sip of champagne

First hug from my family

Maybe first and last first kiss

First snowfall

First call from my grandma

First time on the ice

First time at the library

Cheers to all the calm and frenzy in this year

And a toast to all the firsts

In the next year

To health, happiness, and bliss

To all the things I have and the things I miss

To another year of wonderful firsts

I send my love and wishes and more

Because there is so much wonder 2018 has in store

Broken Bits


Although I’m often
Nothing but broken bits,
The universe glue
That is hope
Will fix me right up.
Now, it becomes more
Difficult to pick up
The pieces. Although
I hate being
Broken bits
The shattered shards
Are the pieces
Of my life.
Each mysterious and
Beautiful in its own way.
Now no glue is strong enough so I
Decided to let the kind, gentle words
Of a friend
Mend my mangled insides. With a few
Chosen words, a phone
Call, a touch of comfort
The bandages slowly begin to weave.
I hope I can withstand
the latest bombing of my mind.
Although I’m crushed
I know I will have your hand
To help me pick
Myself up.
It is never easy to lose a friend.
It becomes a collage of guilt, self-loathing, and regret.
So although I may be all bandaged up,
I am a secretly sad face that laughs to
Hide the other side
The side where the downfall
Of the main character
Is clinging, expecting too much.
Is it too much to ask for a second chance?

The feeling of Christmas deep inside my heart


In my mind I just couldn’t conceive

How quickly it became Christmas Eve

The cookies have been baked

There’s more cooking still to do

There’s many more people to say I love you

To my entire family

A deep love strong as can be

This time of year

Causes me to reflect on all I hold dear

I love the carols, cookies, and vivid colors that surround me

I love all the joy so I wrap it carefully

In rich crimson, deep green, and glittering gold

Because the spirit of Christmas has made me daring, made me bold

Everyone still asleep

In their beds and dreaming deep

But I’m up because I’m filled with delight

That’s it’s the night before

Jesus being born away in a manger

What could be stranger than my thoughts

They bring to the fact that I’m alone and not in love

I want to be but it won’t come

So I hum a Christmas tune

I’ve been humming since late June

In hopes that next year

The man I love will be right here

But until then my family and friends

Give me unconditional love that truly is boundless and never ends

So on this eve

I do believe

I’m very blessed

To get off my chest

The way I feel

Because it’s so surreal

The feeling of Christmas deep inside my heart

Christmas Chills: May the Joy in your heart come early and stay late


It’s really, really cold outside

I’m getting severe chills

I want to dive deep under a blanket

The warmth to just thrill

Thrill my sore muscles

And envelope me in the warmth of the season

I feel Christmas inside my heart

And I know precisely the reason

The closeness of friends and family

The joy of music in my life

And the presence of Jesus

To conquer all strife

So merry Christmas to all

And to all I send my love

From people down below on the map and people up above

To anything you may celebrate

May the joy in your heart come early and stay late

Ode to Bella, this Special Soul


Ode to a person that gave me a chance to be from the beginning
She never judged, just listened to whatever I had to say, and she actually cared I could tell
To a person that went with me to the hospital and stayed the entire time
You barely knew me, but you spent a day where you could be doing anything else – with me
Ode to sitting on the table in front of Shimer amongst the fall leaves and spilling so much suffering
I felt so calm because of your demeanor
To finding out you and I share similar pain and no judgment
Shock in my power to talk openly and cope, and not wanting anyone’s pity
Ode to the park in Bridgeport that flooded me with joy, and somehow I know you knew I’d been happy here
Ode to my temptation that takes me to magical places
Ode to your dorm room, a calm place in an uncalm world
To your silky hair and your purple sweater known by a better name…
To your stones and that store
Ode to respecting my beliefs and never laughing at me
Thank you for giving me a place to stay many times when things were dark
Ode to showers at 5am (because I was up) and makeovers at 7 (because you are kind)
You made me realize I was beautiful, I always knew but you showed me.
You put down my hair and my world changed.
Ode to perspective and caring
Ode to my spirit animal – Bella

Because with you in my life, I feel complete I feel whole


Many, many nights after

Our one big fight

I was in great fright

My body was giving into flight

I had a nightmare that I couldn’t shake

I thought this is more than I can take

I loved you so much it that hurt

You walked over towards me

And very quietly

You wiped my tears

On the sleeves of your shirt

But I just continued to cry

You were so, so worried

You didn’t know why

I was scared I’d lose you for good

That my heart would

Snap in half and break

And never be repaired

I couldn’t think

You handed my a cold drink

Of water and then you wiped my eyes

With your fingers and to my surprise

You said it was your fault

I said no it was mine

Then you did something truly divine

You just held my body in a loving embrace

For a moment there was no one at all in this entire place

My body stopped shaking the longer you held me

Then after our embrace I finally felt free

Suddenly a sweet kiss upon my lips

I could barely could get my grip

You felt it and you helped me not to fall

You then told me to never feel small

You told me “no matter what I do that I’ll always and forever love you”

And although it was tough

I knew love was enough

Enough to get us through

So with a peck

Upon your neck

You held my gaze

It didn’t faze


No more tears

From all my fears

Together longer

Now we are stronger too


You get down on one knee

Shock overwhelms my entire body

And before you can say anything

I say I do

You laugh and tell me you have so much more to say

You say this remarkable, beautiful speech about us

My troubles melt away

After I was a sobbing mess

You proposed and I said yes

You put the ring upon my finger

On my hand your hand seems to linger

The tears come again flowing fast

Because I know this Love was meant to last

You kiss my tears away

And that’s just where they will stay

There is so much joy in my soul

Because with you in my life

I feel complete, I feel whole