A little luck

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My hair’s not frizzy it’s right in place
My mind is dizzy, flying through space
Last night of dreamed of my friend Nate
And beautiful art work we did create
What controls our thoughts and dreams?
What controls our desires and hopes?
It seems mine are too expansive
Because they aren’t coming true
And soon I won’t know what to do
Dreams are the best because they are free
But I feel my dreams slowly trapping me
Job prospects are grim
Romance is nowhere to be seen
So I go to the gym
I try to eat right
I read, volunteer
Then I say goodnight
After word games and tv
Sleep takes over me
Wondering have I tried hard enough
Or perhaps I need a little luck
A little luck to carry me through
And until I find it
Work even harder, that’s what I’ll do

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Floating

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I am floating, floating far away
To where I am going I can’t really say
I’m floating swiftly in the blink of an eye
I floating away, please bid me goodbye
It’s fast and far that’s where I will go
No sense in even looking, you’ll never know
I will fly to a place entirely of my own
A place where I can weep secretly, alone
I’ll use my face to hide the pain
Even though my eyes are stained
I’ll pick up a shell off the beach so far away
Only a few minutes more,
Because longer I can’t possibly stay
And somehow in some strange way
The shell reminds me of you today
It is my greatest bliss and my worst foe
Hurriedly I will pack up and go
I’ll go back to where I came
Although it will never be the same
It’s silly to look for someone to blame
In my adventure I will see
A brief glimpse of what it’s like to be happy
Then the beach waves will rush in
Crush my hopes, recall only your sin
And my ignorance to think you actually cared
Thinking our friendship was existent and strong
Thinking of what it was that I did wrong
Knowing my guard will never be down again
With the entire world entire race of men
I’ll pick up the seashell and as I do
Instead I’ll simply despair realizing one thing is true
I will never love another the way I loved you
I will be half a heart until
I find another guy who makes it stand still

To the class of 2017. No rushing. Savor the moment.

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That warm, rainy day was filled with so much rushing

Rushing to dress

Rushing to put on makeup

Rushing to eat breakfast

Rushing to gather guests

Rushing to get through the rain

Rushing to get everything in order

It felt like it was going to fast

When was I going to stop and admire the day?

Finally once I sat down for the ceremony

Of my college graduation

There was no rushing

No sir. Not anymore.

There was only kindness

There was cheering

There was clapping (so much clapping)

There was reverence for teachers and students

There was so much love in the room

Love for Shimer

Love for my teachers and staff

Love for the students

Memories of my time came flooding back

Memories of different pieces

It was surreal

The speeches truly special

Our school song

Much different than most others

Sung by a man with a big heart, a guitar, and a raspy voice

During that ceremony there was harmony

After the ceremony there was chaos to eat

To take pictures

To meet people

To introduce people to my family

But

During the ceremony

I remember most

My walk across the stage

That moment when I became a graduate, hugging my president, my friend

Nothing would ever be the same

Now over a month later

I reflect

And I deeply appreciate

That they gave us that special time

No rushing

Savoring the moment

Paradise Lost

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I never thought

We’d actually stop

Speaking, let alone completely

Stop being friends.

After four years of friendship,

Birthdays and holidays

Old habits, traditions are dissolved to nothing.

Stopped talking. No more exchanged

Stories, lives, advice, humor.

To no longer hear your distinguished voice

Reassure me

Is like dangling over the open azure sea.

I’m utterly petrified of

That inevitable

Plunge past you

Into the unknown.

The weights of doubt and guilt

Are drowning me

My lungs screaming and

I come up for air alone

It’s almost as if

You were never there.

Almost.

Like an entire empire has crashed.

Paradise is lost.

I lean on your nonexistence shoulder

And collapse to the ground

Bruised, broken, and bare

Every vulnerable piece exposed

Every petal composed

Of something lovely that will never be.

I don’t want to hear anyone telling me

The cliché comfort

“I know how you feel.”

Really, because if so then you must hold a solution

You don’t. (That’s what I thought!)

To go from close friends

To two people who simply don’t know each other

One clinging to the fragments that are

Left, the other only too quick to throw the best-selling novel

That was our friendship away.

To discard it like an empty juice carton

You sucked the life from.

Just like you sucked the life from me.

What if…

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What if he said yes

I like you the best
What if he said no

I do not like you so…
What if you will never know?

Which is worse?
Bad news, good news, or no news?
The worst is smiling at him

And never knowing what if anything

He feels for me…
It’s heartbreaking to not know

I cannot say anything 

Except what if 
What if he said yes 

I like you best.
What if?

He who shall not be named …

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A man with a plan he is not

Not any decent plan, anyway.

He belittles, rants, and offends

The rich he defends

In the building of his wall

He’d isolate us all

America is great because of:

Diversity of people

Respect

He does not have respect towards

Diversity.

That sets us apart and makes us remarkable.

The unique flavor of individuality is been threatened.

It boggles the mind that someone could support a man that says such offensive things.

Why are we allowing this circus to continue?

Truly, it’s a circus and the future of America is not a joke.

He is a joke.

We need a clear minded, reasonable, and understanding leader. He is not.

Let’s focus on making America great again with someone else leading us forth towards a great future.

What Shimer means to me

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What Shimer means to me

When I feel scared on the train 

When I feel angry because of fights that corrode my nights
about a condition that they pretend to understand I say stop, you don’t. 
When I feel angry being judged by my clothes, earrings, or shoes or head band or my jacket 
Instead of my character 
I remember with hope in my heart  that soon I’m leaving to Shimer 
I remember that it’s different here. 
I remember that it’s not perfect but it’s my safe haven
I have my classes where there is compassion and a real understanding  I joke openly and honestly with friends, true friends 
I laugh and sip coffee and smile.
We struggle through essays and colds and meetings together, helping one another. A United front.
I rejoice at the freedom to be exactly as I am never reduced to something I’m not, and liked for who I choose to be.
I go back home. I try to articulate my point and am met with adversity on the car ride home and instantly I want to go back.
I want to go back to feeling whole.
I fall silent and rush downstairs where there is my music my books and me. 
The giver and Taylor swift and Avril Lavenge and hamlet.
But.
In that moment there is no comfort.
Sometimes we get along and I don’t understand why we ever fight. 
Everything is suddenly kind and relaxed. 
Until I ask a question or say the wrong thing. Then I get up off the couch, I fold my blanket and go to bed with tears rolling down my face that I quickly wipe away.
The next morning is Wednesday I will be at Shimer all day and then there is assembly.
People grumble about the morning as I make coffee,  a tiny cup and iron my crisp white shirt. I have my lunch and backpack. I’m ready to leave. This time Im meeting the yelling about being late with kind words. I offer to bring a bottle of water from downstairs. 
The moment I step into the building something inside me changes. 
A sense of calm sweeps over me.
My friends and teachers are just beyond those steps. Open lounge where I eat breakfast is right there. My world is that floor and its inhibiates.
Here I am free to think, to say, to want, to be. To more than exist.
That is what Shimer means to me.