If we weren’t right for each other

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Maybe we weren’t right for each other

But why do I feel this way inside?

I felt like if I saw you,

Part of me would want to hide

I wouldn’t want to be around

A person I loved so much

But when I tried to be close to you

It seemed you didn’t want my touch

After all the things that have happened,

The new guys, the dates

For some reason it’s for you I wait

Is it a mistake that I want to see you again

One more time

To know for sure that

That you would change on a dime

Is not realistic

But why do I miss you so much sometimes

If we weren’t right for each other?

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Ice

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It swallowed me

Half of me hates all I am

Hates all that I have become

Who am I?

What happened?

I fell through the ice

Thinner

Until it cracked

I almost drowned

And then hypothermia came knocking

Now,

I just thread water

I just get by

I DON’T WANT TO JUST GET BY

It is only a matter of time before

I fall through the ice again

This time

I know

I’m ready

I won’t fall through

I will be just fine

Getting by

Then I will

Pick up

Move away

Shadow and now

A ghost later

New life

That means more than getting by

So much more

I emerge from the ice

Like a phoenix from the ashes

I am changed

I’m Scared

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I’m scared of the dark

And who might be lurking there

I’m scared of going outside at night

And finding someone hiding there

I’m scared of storms

I’m scared of planes

I’m scared when hail

Comes down when it rains

I fear tomorrow

I fear today

I fear that I will waste away

From all this fear

 

I’m scared of running

Running so fast

That I’ll be at the

Edge of the Earth

And run right past

I wish that you’d come

To hold me at last

 

But I hope you

Don’t come to me

Because more than the

Planes or stalkers killing me

I’m afraid of your mind games,

Afraid of you hurting me

I fear this more than anything

 

My heart will never heal

With these feelings

I will always be left alone to deal

All I want is an explanation, a reason

Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds

And left me here to cry

Rough Seas

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Eyes burning like a thousand suns

I hang my head low, in despair

And grasp my hands so tightly in prayer

WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?

Please, it’s getting so hard to breath

I know it will be better

But right now it’s not

Cold, burning tears

They feel cold and wet

Suddenly they burn and my face too

I want to find a way to not live this way

Eyes stinging

I type, I think, I sip coffee

There is hope at the end of this endless tunnel

I’m digging my way out of

It keeps collapsing and my progress is stopped

Eye wide open

I keep digging

Thinking about happier times

Trying not to get more sad, more upset

Trying not to get lost in my darkness

Cold, burning tears

I dig my way out

No looking back

Time will heal

For now, I must go on with my day

The sadness writhes inside

I must hope better days are soon

We Love

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Processing it brings both pain and understanding

The fight, again, a misunderstanding, turns to fury

Struggling with burning tears

Furiously understanding brings calm

Deep love of my parents comes suddenly

All the Love they have

It makes me think differently of

The big, terrible fight

Who was wrong and who was right

Is not the point and doesn’t matter

Peace is more important as well as Love

The point is we fight

But more importantly

We Love

We wake up and make coffee

We go to work, school, volunteering, church, the theater, for ice cream

We Love

Despite the hurt I feel

And the tears currently flowing on my cheeks

From the unnecessary fight

We love

That is the most important thing

And everything can get better

Because

We Love

Permanent swarming scarred thoughts of you

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It’s like a needed break that I cannot take

Not a minute, let alone an hour

Will spare my brain, body, and mind

Of those ridiculous, unlikely, impossible, heartbreaking

Thoughts of you

These thoughts they come in clusters like unwelcome bugs

They swarm my mind

From behind and I’m cornered nothing I can do

Will dispel the thought of you

I avoid your name, the music that I love that you played

But reminds me instead of your soft gray sweater and

The smoothness of your hair

I once thought together we’d go far

It’s obvious the solution is there isn’t one

Waiting on a star, NO,

Inside embedded in my head

A tattoo, a permanent scar

Comparable to a raging fire

That cannot be contained

Comparable to immeasurable amounts of pain

The electric impulses are frying my brain

Sending out messages I don’t want to read

Sending out a truth I don’t want to see

Sending an SOS that made it too late

Numb realization, bordering on obsession

I formed this crystal clear opinion of you

The one who steals my thoughts

The one who knows my secrets

The one who lies, and grows in a vast ocean life of lies

I despise the way you claim that

You are being honest with me, that

You are just telling me

What I want hear

Now I realize that we grew so close as friends but

The after that’s, really never mores

And everything else misery in store

I want to do things like they used to be two years ago

Fearless, worry-less and you-less

I want to no longer be stuck with

Permanent swarming scarring thoughts of you

Of pain which there is no remedy, no amount of medicine, alcohol, or anything

Can dissolve the thoughts of you

Maybe for a moment but then the pain hits and I know I’m not sleeping tonight

I want to forgot our powerful conversations

Our bond

That snapped in a moment and left destruction in its wake

So give me a formula

A trick

A spell The cure from “You”

I want to take it!

Away from your hand

That power only you have over me

It’s one I can’t stand

I want to take it

And twist it and turn it

Take it deep in the woods and burn it

I want to stop feeding your powers

But this is a double ended sword

The other end is your powers

Your purple pixie dust

That activates when our eyes meet

It’s the best pleasure in my life

And the worst torment at the same time

A paradox – that’s your true power

You have my in rapture one moment

Then captured by tears the next

Unable to breath, swallow, or move.

I want to take it, shatter and break it THERE

Now, It commands me no more.

Permanent swarming scarring thoughts of you –

They’re gone.