I’ve been here all along, all alone.

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Is anybody out there?

I’ve been here all along.

Praying
Pacing
Spacing out
Screaming
Silence
Agony
Sharp
Numb
Cold
Fear
Running
Darkness
Tunnel
Noise
I startle
I strain to hear…

Is anybody out there?

Can you take this weight of mine?

It’s choking me.

I’m drowning with the weight of my world on my shoulders.

I’ve been here all along, all alone.

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Cry

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I’m scared of the dark
And who might be lurking there
I’m scared of going outside at night
And finding someone hiding there
I’m scared of storms
I’m scared of planes
I’m scared when hail
Comes down when it rains
I fear tomorrow
I fear today
I fear that I will waste away
From all this fear

I’m scared of running
Running so fast
That I’ll be at the
Edge of the Earth
And run right past
I wish that you’d come
To hold me at last

But I hope you
Don’t come to me
Because more than the
Planes or stalkers killing me
I’m afraid of your mind games,
Afraid of you hurting me
I fear this more than anything

My heart will never heal
With these feelings
I will always be left alone to deal
All I want is an explanation, a reason
Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds
And left me here to cry

Self-destruct

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You gave me all the love
All the love
In your quiet, subtle way
That’s why it meant so much
Although different worlds
Different views
Different accents
Different beds
Different skies
Different states
You listened to me
You were patient
You tried to push me
To get closer
You opened up to me
I freaked out
I ran away
I fell on my face
Now far from grace
I’m so blue
Trying to get close to you
Am I even breathing?

I hope I’m worthy

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It was my fault
I don’t know what to do
I ran from your affection
And I deeply hurt you
In my dreams
It seems we are meant to be
In reality what are we?
Can we come back to christmas eve?
To when you said “I love you, Maria.”
It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard.
I tarnished it.
I thought you would see
Why you should give up on me
But you forgive and try again
I hope I deserve your love.
I hope I’m worthy.

Everytime… (throwback)

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Every time I see your face
I’m suddenly slowly my pace
Then you turn away…
I feel my heart breaking
Every time I hear your voice
I stop and listen, by choice.
Then you walk away.
I fear my headache is here to stay

Every time you talk to me
I hide my love for thee
Then you just leave
I’m left to grieve
Every time you say “we’re friends”
I want to be more
Then I imagine you with her (the talking never ends)
I know my hope is out the door
“We’ll always be friends”, I know
But more than that, no.
For every time you look at her
I know you are never going to look at me
That way and slowly my hope for love
Fades away…

Please, spill the light

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It’s so dark in the realm of my tunnel
I’ve dug it out myself
Cold, miserable, dirty, alone, and lonely
It’s creepy here
Eerie, a pin could drop
And it would be an explosion to my ears
I’ve dug this tunnel so deep
I fear the light
I fear love
I fear hope
I fear warmth
Better to be sad
Better to be lost
Better to be alone
Better to cold
That to have love
Then fall and crumble
But could light ever spill into my tunnel?
Could a sliver of hope ever sneak its way in?
Could I find the strength to climb out?
No, so could you come to me? Keep my company.
If only so the desolate loneliness could be crushed.
Could I ever escape my tunnel of pain?
Tunnel of confusion
I’m so lost,
Please, Spill the light
Like a fire
Ignite my lonely heart with your fire
Teach me to want, to long for the light

Where do I want to go?

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I can’t get anywhere
I walk through the fictional worlds of all my books
Stacks of them
I travel through snow, spring, cruel winds
I experience love, joy, pain
But in reality
I can’t get anywhere
The tears they sting
But I just stare
Because since April
I feel like
I can’t get anywhere
I don’t feel success
Sitting at home cleaning and reading
Feeling useless
Waste of space
Watching lives go on
In front of my eyes
But not because I don’t want to
Not for lack of trying
Because I’ve tried til I’m black and blue
But I can’t
I can’t seem to get anywhere
The bigger question I cannot seem to answer:
Where do I want to go?