I hope I’m worthy

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It was my fault
I don’t know what to do
I ran from your affection
And I deeply hurt you
In my dreams
It seems we are meant to be
In reality what are we?
Can we come back to christmas eve?
To when you said “I love you, Maria.”
It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard.
I tarnished it.
I thought you would see
Why you should give up on me
But you forgive and try again
I hope I deserve your love.
I hope I’m worthy.

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Everytime… (throwback)

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Every time I see your face
I’m suddenly slowly my pace
Then you turn away…
I feel my heart breaking
Every time I hear your voice
I stop and listen, by choice.
Then you walk away.
I fear my headache is here to stay

Every time you talk to me
I hide my love for thee
Then you just leave
I’m left to grieve
Every time you say “we’re friends”
I want to be more
Then I imagine you with her (the talking never ends)
I know my hope is out the door
“We’ll always be friends”, I know
But more than that, no.
For every time you look at her
I know you are never going to look at me
That way and slowly my hope for love
Fades away…

Please, spill the light

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It’s so dark in the realm of my tunnel
I’ve dug it out myself
Cold, miserable, dirty, alone, and lonely
It’s creepy here
Eerie, a pin could drop
And it would be an explosion to my ears
I’ve dug this tunnel so deep
I fear the light
I fear love
I fear hope
I fear warmth
Better to be sad
Better to be lost
Better to be alone
Better to cold
That to have love
Then fall and crumble
But could light ever spill into my tunnel?
Could a sliver of hope ever sneak its way in?
Could I find the strength to climb out?
No, so could you come to me? Keep my company.
If only so the desolate loneliness could be crushed.
Could I ever escape my tunnel of pain?
Tunnel of confusion
I’m so lost,
Please, Spill the light
Like a fire
Ignite my lonely heart with your fire
Teach me to want, to long for the light

Where do I want to go?

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I can’t get anywhere
I walk through the fictional worlds of all my books
Stacks of them
I travel through snow, spring, cruel winds
I experience love, joy, pain
But in reality
I can’t get anywhere
The tears they sting
But I just stare
Because since April
I feel like
I can’t get anywhere
I don’t feel success
Sitting at home cleaning and reading
Feeling useless
Waste of space
Watching lives go on
In front of my eyes
But not because I don’t want to
Not for lack of trying
Because I’ve tried til I’m black and blue
But I can’t
I can’t seem to get anywhere
The bigger question I cannot seem to answer:
Where do I want to go?

I’m sorry that I let you down

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No more good morning beautiful
No more, you should take a nap
No more, you look beautiful
No more romantic talks
No more talks for hours
No more of your kindness
It’s so cold
I feel like I’m on the edge right now
I ran away because things were serious
I ran away because I wasn’t ready
I ran away because things were intense
I ran away because my feelings were immense
And I couldn’t handle them
And I couldn’t handle distance
And I couldn’t handle the intensity
Now I want to say I’m sorry
Sorry that I left
Sorry that the woman you loved is gone
Sorry that I was a coward
I’m so sorry that I hurt you
I’m sorry that I let you down

Abandonment

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A fate worse then death
Full out abandonment
If my plans weren’t so big
If my anticipation
And jubilation
Didn’t transcend complete
Hope
One person tried but
As no man or woman is an island
It fell on deaf ears
They can’t accept me
The girl who loves to climb trees
Be wild and is sometimes hard to please
I hide everything behind a mask
A mask that shows the happiness
That is animated
The real, raw, uncut me
Sits atop a chestnut tree
And realizes
They should take the good with the bad.
People in glass houses
Shouldn’t throw a single stone
Or create and animate
A fate worse then death
A dejected, distant, shattered, sad Maria
Alone
A fate no one can condone
Only condemn
But being broken
Doesn’t mean I dissolve away
I just go back to crew
With all this knowledge thinking
Who knew phrases all day
Who knew people can be so cruel
And create a fate worse the death for a girl
Who just wanted to twirl her way to a happy ending
One that I look for in vain
It does not exist
Merely a mist of calamity
Mixed with reality
And a fate worse then bereavement
The unfortunate beginning of eternal gloom – abandonment

Ice, then – Metamorphosis

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It swallowed me
Half of me hates all I am
Hates all that I have become
Who am I?
What happened?
I fell through the ice
Thinner
Until it cracked
I almost drowned
And then hypothermia came knocking
Now,
I just thread water
I just get by
I DON’T WANT TO JUST GET BY
It is only a matter of time before
I fall through the ice again
This time
I know
I’m ready
I won’t fall through
I will be just fine
Getting by
Then I will
Pick up
Move away
Shadow and now
A ghost later
New life
That means more than getting by
So much more
I emerge from the ice
Like a phoenix from the ashes
I am changed