Broken static: Will you change your mind?

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The want of you
The constant swarming thoughts of you
The warming of my heart when you laugh
The warmth of your words
Washing over me

It
It rotated inside me
It rolled and rolled
It verged on too much

But once I asked you
Once I was honest with myself
And you in turn were honest with me
The static inside my brain burst

And the thoughts that followed
Swam through my mind
All night long

I like you
And you like me
But I like like you
And you just like me

Will you change your mind?
You make my waiting feel shorter
But should I do that?
Should I wait?

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Words Rupture Bone

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Earth shattering screams erupt
Disrupting my current turmoil
But it’s all quiet
Just disaster in my mind
Everyone is talking to me
Pulling me every which way
Giving me advice
I am drowning in words
That aren’t my own
I want to put a seal around my heart
To protect it
I would like time alone
Not to feel lonely like I often do
I want the stillness of alone
The calm of quiet
Words rupture bones
And tear at scars
But not me
I’m letting my mind
Drown out their words
Others can suffocate in their own advice
But not me
The storm clouds rain despair
Upon my unsuspecting heart
Me

Fragments of Us

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To all my old lovers

I dream of you
I think of you
I drink you in
Til poison burns my skin
I think of you at night
When I’m most lonely filled with fright
To my delight
I can block you out
Until I no longer think of you
And all the heartless things you’d do
How can it be
That all my old lovers
I think of you often
When I should not
Because I know in my heart
It was not my fault
But I blame myself anyway
I see fragments of us…

Self-destruct

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You gave me all the love
All the love
In your quiet, subtle way
That’s why it meant so much
Although different worlds
Different views
Different accents
Different beds
Different skies
Different states
You listened to me
You were patient
You tried to push me
To get closer
You opened up to me
I freaked out
I ran away
I fell on my face
Now far from grace
I’m so blue
Trying to get close to you
Am I even breathing?

Unravelling because I’m at arms length

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You hold me at arms length
Not letting me in
I hurt you more then once
Not aware of my destruction
Until you told me fully
I wonder
Can you keep me close
Can you love me most?
I crave your good mornings
And your good nights
But I get occasional hellos
We talk like we barely know each other
Slowly things inside me start to unravel
Slowly things inside me shatter
When you explain how unwanted you felt
When I left you
I try to explain I was scared
I try to to rationalize my actions
But you deserve so much more
You say trusting me will take time
I should be happy you are giving me a chance
But I rupture
Because I miss us
I know you guard your heart
I know you want space
I know it’s my fault
But inside my brain, there are chemicals
And they won’t fade
I hope you can forgive me
Because it feels so hallow so numb
Without you

I hope I’m worthy

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It was my fault
I don’t know what to do
I ran from your affection
And I deeply hurt you
In my dreams
It seems we are meant to be
In reality what are we?
Can we come back to christmas eve?
To when you said “I love you, Maria.”
It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard.
I tarnished it.
I thought you would see
Why you should give up on me
But you forgive and try again
I hope I deserve your love.
I hope I’m worthy.

Please, spill the light

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It’s so dark in the realm of my tunnel
I’ve dug it out myself
Cold, miserable, dirty, alone, and lonely
It’s creepy here
Eerie, a pin could drop
And it would be an explosion to my ears
I’ve dug this tunnel so deep
I fear the light
I fear love
I fear hope
I fear warmth
Better to be sad
Better to be lost
Better to be alone
Better to cold
That to have love
Then fall and crumble
But could light ever spill into my tunnel?
Could a sliver of hope ever sneak its way in?
Could I find the strength to climb out?
No, so could you come to me? Keep my company.
If only so the desolate loneliness could be crushed.
Could I ever escape my tunnel of pain?
Tunnel of confusion
I’m so lost,
Please, Spill the light
Like a fire
Ignite my lonely heart with your fire
Teach me to want, to long for the light