Fragments of Us

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To all my old lovers

I dream of you
I think of you
I drink you in
Til poison burns my skin
I think of you at night
When I’m most lonely filled with fright
To my delight
I can block you out
Until I no longer think of you
And all the heartless things you’d do
How can it be
That all my old lovers
I think of you often
When I should not
Because I know in my heart
It was not my fault
But I blame myself anyway
I see fragments of us…

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Self-destruct

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You gave me all the love
All the love
In your quiet, subtle way
That’s why it meant so much
Although different worlds
Different views
Different accents
Different beds
Different skies
Different states
You listened to me
You were patient
You tried to push me
To get closer
You opened up to me
I freaked out
I ran away
I fell on my face
Now far from grace
I’m so blue
Trying to get close to you
Am I even breathing?

Unravelling because I’m at arms length

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You hold me at arms length
Not letting me in
I hurt you more then once
Not aware of my destruction
Until you told me fully
I wonder
Can you keep me close
Can you love me most?
I crave your good mornings
And your good nights
But I get occasional hellos
We talk like we barely know each other
Slowly things inside me start to unravel
Slowly things inside me shatter
When you explain how unwanted you felt
When I left you
I try to explain I was scared
I try to to rationalize my actions
But you deserve so much more
You say trusting me will take time
I should be happy you are giving me a chance
But I rupture
Because I miss us
I know you guard your heart
I know you want space
I know it’s my fault
But inside my brain, there are chemicals
And they won’t fade
I hope you can forgive me
Because it feels so hallow so numb
Without you

I hope I’m worthy

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It was my fault
I don’t know what to do
I ran from your affection
And I deeply hurt you
In my dreams
It seems we are meant to be
In reality what are we?
Can we come back to christmas eve?
To when you said “I love you, Maria.”
It was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard.
I tarnished it.
I thought you would see
Why you should give up on me
But you forgive and try again
I hope I deserve your love.
I hope I’m worthy.

Please, spill the light

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It’s so dark in the realm of my tunnel
I’ve dug it out myself
Cold, miserable, dirty, alone, and lonely
It’s creepy here
Eerie, a pin could drop
And it would be an explosion to my ears
I’ve dug this tunnel so deep
I fear the light
I fear love
I fear hope
I fear warmth
Better to be sad
Better to be lost
Better to be alone
Better to cold
That to have love
Then fall and crumble
But could light ever spill into my tunnel?
Could a sliver of hope ever sneak its way in?
Could I find the strength to climb out?
No, so could you come to me? Keep my company.
If only so the desolate loneliness could be crushed.
Could I ever escape my tunnel of pain?
Tunnel of confusion
I’m so lost,
Please, Spill the light
Like a fire
Ignite my lonely heart with your fire
Teach me to want, to long for the light

Torn an ugly hole in my soul, why did you?

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I wish I never came here
The irony – I was invited, hand picked for this purgatory I burned in
The smell of sawdust still haunts me
You, the teasing and the whispers
The names you called me when I was not around
A stab in an old wound hurts worse
I came back every single day
A life you could not kill
Air, full of life, Stupid so stupid
I, a fool, came to build sets and befriend you
You tore an ugly hole in my soul
I cried a small river
Not realizing that everyone was my enemy
The same
No one ever once
Stood up and sat that’s enough
You just left me with all the work
While you basked in the glow of the top positions
I was an abused, malnourished, kicked puppy
Who never left the theater that was my beloved
I cut the wood, I measured, I swept, I sorted, and I carried the 16 foot ladder
On my own. I painted. I took apart the stage pieces.
Why did you have to be so evil to only me?
Why was only I the subject of your cruel and usual punishment?
Why did you have to set my life on fire?
Was not my being your slave enough?

I saw you

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After a rough night
My dreams took flight
After a long hard, depressing day
I count on my dreams to take me far away
After pain and tears
After all my fears
After problems and lack of a job
Swallow my life
After all this fills me to the brim with strife
I go to my bed
I wrap around my covers
And instead
Of happy dreams to calm me
I see something else entirely
Through the fog and mist
It was your lips I kissed
Not even in the land of dreams it’s true
I try to escape but I saw it,
I saw you