If we weren’t right for each other

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Maybe we weren’t right for each other

But why do I feel this way inside?

I felt like if I saw you,

Part of me would want to hide

I wouldn’t want to be around

A person I loved so much

But when I tried to be close to you

It seemed you didn’t want my touch

After all the things that have happened,

The new guys, the dates

For some reason it’s for you I wait

Is it a mistake that I want to see you again

One more time

To know for sure that

That you would change on a dime

Is not realistic

But why do I miss you so much sometimes

If we weren’t right for each other?

I’m Scared

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I’m scared of the dark

And who might be lurking there

I’m scared of going outside at night

And finding someone hiding there

I’m scared of storms

I’m scared of planes

I’m scared when hail

Comes down when it rains

I fear tomorrow

I fear today

I fear that I will waste away

From all this fear

 

I’m scared of running

Running so fast

That I’ll be at the

Edge of the Earth

And run right past

I wish that you’d come

To hold me at last

 

But I hope you

Don’t come to me

Because more than the

Planes or stalkers killing me

I’m afraid of your mind games,

Afraid of you hurting me

I fear this more than anything

 

My heart will never heal

With these feelings

I will always be left alone to deal

All I want is an explanation, a reason

Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds

And left me here to cry

I can’t take my mind off of you

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It was our very first date

You were right on time or a little late

I was so nervous I don’t actually know the time

You drove a silver Honda

The car was parked. And slowly,

You came out to greet me

I met you with nervousness but also glee

We traveled to the train station

Missed the train so we waited

And soccer vs. football we contemplated

I’m so very lucky conversation went so well

Because the entire time I thought,

I can’t take my eyes off you…

But now that it’s been over so long

I can’t take my mind off of you…

Without You

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I had no idea how profoundly another human being could change me. Literally, the fibers that make up my being are slightly altered and will never be the same again. I knew it within minutes of meeting that this was not just another meeting, this was something special. I miss so terribly the smiles, comments, and language that was all our own. I miss that the freezing November day didn’t ruin our spirits because this warmth enveloped us and bonded us together like a blanket of joy. I cry when I think of how special it was to be held in his arms. I felt so blissfully happy and went to bed dreaming of him and our special days together. I dream of the day when someone else will make me feel that way. I yearn for his hand to caress my cheek. I yearn for the hug so powerful that it stops time. For now I am alone. I was out yesterday and there were three couples there. I envied them. Perhaps I shouldn’t have but I did. They shared that language I once had. The one I desperately want back…

Bonfire Heart

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On my sick day

I walk slowly up the stairs

The calming coffee is fresh

The mood is relaxing

Although I don’t feel well

Suddenly a sad jolt of emotion

Crawls slowly through me

I don’t welcome it, I want to shake it off

Thoughts of my ex

Our conversations, jokes, and trust

Did those snowy moments mean anything?

Did any of what turned into love for me mean anything?

It went up in huge burning flames

Unbearable, paralyzing pain

Why do I miss the fire?

It hits me, the reason

I miss having someone care about me

Think of me

But he made it clear how he felt

Now I must sip my coffee

The aroma a kind, calming one

Recognize that I loved him

But that I need to find something more

That won’t end in such cruel words and a bonfire

I have a bonfire heart

It’s so warm, wounded, yet ready to love

I hope I can share it with someone…

Still burning

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Agony pain burning fires
In my brain
In my body
In my heart
I can’t put the fire out
Water doesn’t work
I thought I could drown it in tears

But that increases the flames

Like my tears are gasoline
I thought I could suffocate it
With my sweater
But instead
It suffocates me.
Smoke, fire, flames bursting through my heart.
Suddenly a dangerous explosion
My heart’s a million tiny pieces
Shattered, scattered
I finally put the fire out
Superhuman strength appears

I say no more as the music blares
Strong resolve to survive
but the damage of the fire
It is overwhelming
It’s burning pain I can still feel
The shock of the smoke
Collapses my lungs
The sadness of joy turned into sparks
Sparks of absolute agony
The fire was uninviting torture

Torture and hell
Truly it was the deepest level of hell
I felt pain in places I didn’t know I could
Now the charred remains will get off this train
After class
After talking to Ethan
After help from Heidi
After wisdom from Janet and Glendalyn
After tea with Bella
I walk to go shower
My charred self
Recovering what I can
Abandoning the rest
And recalling how high the flames got

And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply again…
Knowing they could.
Off to shower, drink coffee and pretend everything is fine.
Until it is.

A few days have past but pain is raw

I invite love, I fear love

Was it ever love at all? Is a one sided one, love at all?

Until then, the fire is out, but I still ache from the flames.

My heart is ruptured and I want to heal.

I listen to the music, and I begin.

Burning fires

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Agony pain burning fires

In my brain

In my body

In my heart

I can’t put the fire out

Water doesn’t work

I thought I could drown it in tears

I thought I could suffocate it

With my sweater

But instead

It suffocates me.

Smoke, fire, flames bursting through my heart.

Suddenly an explosion.

My heart’s a million tiny pieces

Shattered, scattered.

I finally put the fire out

Superhuman strength appears

Strong resolve to survive

but the damage of the fire

It is overwhelming

It’s burning pain I can still feel

The shock of the smoke

Collapses my lungs

The sadness of joy turned into sparks

Sparks of absolute agony

The fire was uninviting

Torture

Truly it was the deepest level of hell

I felt pain in places I didn’t know I could

Now the charred remains will get off this train

After class

After talking to Ethan

After help from Heidi

After wisdom from Janet and Glendalyn

After tea with Bella

I walk to go shower

My charred self

Recovering what I can

Abandoning the rest

And recalling how high the flames got
And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply again…

Knowing they could.

Off to shower, drink coffee and pretend everything is fine.

Until it is.