I’ve been here all along, all alone.

Standard

Is anybody out there?

I’ve been here all along.

Praying
Pacing
Spacing out
Screaming
Silence
Agony
Sharp
Numb
Cold
Fear
Running
Darkness
Tunnel
Noise
I startle
I strain to hear…

Is anybody out there?

Can you take this weight of mine?

It’s choking me.

I’m drowning with the weight of my world on my shoulders.

I’ve been here all along, all alone.

Advertisements

Please, spill the light

Standard

It’s so dark in the realm of my tunnel
I’ve dug it out myself
Cold, miserable, dirty, alone, and lonely
It’s creepy here
Eerie, a pin could drop
And it would be an explosion to my ears
I’ve dug this tunnel so deep
I fear the light
I fear love
I fear hope
I fear warmth
Better to be sad
Better to be lost
Better to be alone
Better to cold
That to have love
Then fall and crumble
But could light ever spill into my tunnel?
Could a sliver of hope ever sneak its way in?
Could I find the strength to climb out?
No, so could you come to me? Keep my company.
If only so the desolate loneliness could be crushed.
Could I ever escape my tunnel of pain?
Tunnel of confusion
I’m so lost,
Please, Spill the light
Like a fire
Ignite my lonely heart with your fire
Teach me to want, to long for the light

Where do I want to go?

Standard

I can’t get anywhere
I walk through the fictional worlds of all my books
Stacks of them
I travel through snow, spring, cruel winds
I experience love, joy, pain
But in reality
I can’t get anywhere
The tears they sting
But I just stare
Because since April
I feel like
I can’t get anywhere
I don’t feel success
Sitting at home cleaning and reading
Feeling useless
Waste of space
Watching lives go on
In front of my eyes
But not because I don’t want to
Not for lack of trying
Because I’ve tried til I’m black and blue
But I can’t
I can’t seem to get anywhere
The bigger question I cannot seem to answer:
Where do I want to go?

We are all shipwrecks

Standard

Misguided souls
Trying to turn back
Lost in a long, perilous journey
Filled with regret or hope
Attempting to remain somebody
But until then
I, along with all of you
We are just floating along in this life
When really
Despite our greatest efforts
Despite everything we do
Water is pouring in through every crack
We are sinking
Drowning
Until repairs can be made
Until we are no longer afraid
We all make mistakes
And for now
I’m afraid
We are all shipwrecks

A poem I love and want to share

Standard

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

David Wagoner

Because I love you not just more, but the most.

Standard

I loved football
You loved soccer
We teased each other
About which sport was better
Now that you are gone
I’m broken and would give anything
To change what happened between us
I would agree to your movie
Agree to your restaurant
Agree to soccer being better
Although I love football with all my heart
Somehow, I love you so much more
I would give football up
If I could have you
It would hurt me terribly
It would be very sad
But losing you hurts so much more
I would give up all my books too
And I love them like they are my skin
Giving them up would hurt like fire
But it still wouldn’t hurt as much as losing you did
So I would give everything and anything
Because I love you not just more, but the most.

A Love Story in Three Parts

Standard

Part 1

I cannot explain why. I love you with my entire heart. My dreams flow with you in them which once was okay but is now my living nightmare. I wait all day for the night to escape you and you appear like a curse in my thoughts. You led me thinking we were something we were not. You were so kind. Why were you so kind to me if it all meant nothing? I told you all my secrets and you did in all fairness tell me yours. I find it difficult to impossible to compose anything of significance for my broken heart wants peace. Why I still think of you is because you said we should no longer speak. The crazy thing is if you wanted me back I feel I’d bend. However, a man who doesn’t believe in my schooling or my dreams is not someone I should be with. I want to write everything down. But I’m not ready right now.
I ride the train dreaming of our future even though we have no present. I dream of sleeping peacefully in your arms. I dream of us together. God, how much I have to hold back tears. Currently I am listening to Human by Christina Perri, and I’m crying because you broke me. You conditioned my soul to believe things and they are not reality. I want it all to stop. I want my brain to stop functioning because it leads me to you so frequently I cannot bare it much longer. You are ever present in things you shouldn’t be. I love you so much. Maybe I am delusional and don’t know basic concepts because the louder your silence the louder my anguish. I want to put thinking about you away for now but I’m not ready right now.
Little things remind me of you. Foods and TV shows… burgers and the big bang theory… I am so torn up I’ve become shredded wheat. I think the healthiest thing to do would be to move on. My texts go unanswered and my hopes dwindle. I’ve heard it said that the first cut is the deepest. This severing of communication without closure hurts. The silence chokes me. The pain engulfs my lungs and I pray for a way to rid my being of these feelings that are shredding up my brain, my thoughts, my mind. I ASK FOR PEACE. GIVE IT TO ME< SPARE ME THE AGONY THAT CORRODES MY HEART, BODY, and SOUL.
I spoke with a friend and we have a true insightful conversation. I realize I am ready. Our dates were wonderful though they made me so nervous. I always trusted you when we drove in bad weather. At the end of each date we would both lean over and hug. After the third date which we spent eating boneless wings that gave me a stomach ache and burned your tongue to the core, we went to the bookstore because the movie The Book Thief was not playing for a while. We twirled around the store glancing at all the books. I was so happy that you loved Barnes and Noble the way I did. We stood silently shoulder to shoulder and carefully picked up various books that peaked our interest. We shared interesting, funny, or shocking passages. I remember most vividly the accessory selection and talking about nail polish and you saying you did not like pink. I showed you my hot pink nails and you said you did like those. I heard only sincerity in your voice. There were these carved wooden hands and I didn’t understand why the men’s hand was bigger. You put up your hand and we compared. It was a new feeling, maybe it’s because it’s just hands touching but there was something more. We watched the movie which left me in tears. World War 2 movies tend to have that affect on me. However, once we left I started wondering if we’d finally kiss that night. We hugged and I thought about just kissing you. I really did. I walked back to the house wondering. The next day was quiet but finally in the evening you sent me a message informing me of what a wonderful time you had. That is was the best since April something 2006. I remember with great certainty that was when you came to this country. What I don’t remember is how your feelings went from that to nothingness. I wonder about 2014 the year of confusion. The year we hung out, then spent the summer apart. We saw each other On October 25 when my purse got stolen. It was your protection of me that made me wonder if you didn’t like me, why care the way you seemed to? I’ll never get my answer because a few days later you informed me that we shouldn’t speak after a fight we had. You were mad I had feelings for you and mad I called you mean and cruel. I apologized so many times but it was too late. There are so many unanswered pieces to this puzzle. On December 23, 2013 we exchanged gifts and you caressed my cheek and I held your hand. Two days later, on Christmas you broke it off. I realize now that writing all this down only further confuses me.
What helps is knowing that well, I don’t know why. But I know that clearly we were wrong for each other somehow.
We were two pieces that didn’t fit. And I almost destroyed myself trying to make them fit…

Part 2
The email I received from you after wishing you happiness was not closure but destruction. You sent hate towards me after I wished you all the happiness in the world.
Part 2 is short. Because I’m not destroying myself trying to make those puzzles pieces that were us fit anymore.
Part 2 is the end of our chapter. I shut it with all my power, but the winds open it so often. I hope one day it will shut forever. That I can forget all the awful things you claimed.
You claimed that I didn’t care, wasn’t sorry and didn’t know the meaning of the word sorrow, that I didn’t ask you to text me when you got home as a sign of my not caring. You claimed I thought the world revolved around me. Worst of all you saw me at the station for MONTHS, thought I saw you and I ignored you. I NEVER SAW YOU!
That I threw our friendship down the sink disposal. That I didn’t show affection.
I never saw you and I begged God that I would have.
We were always more than friends to me. So, I hope that the anger that caused you to write that email goes away. I loved you, and just because you couldn’t see that doesn’t mean I deserved the cruel set of sentences that I received.
I want to heal my heart. But, I worry about running into you at the station. And what I should do if we meet…

Part 3
I on the phone
And he’s there
Taking off his sunglasses and talking to me. I don’t know what to do or say and much to my dismay no apology ever comes from him. I ramble on. I graduated, my twin is getting married, I don’t travel here often. Then I ask, what’s new with you. He holds up his hand displayed a silver band and says, I got married. I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel like I should be his and he should be mine. I only realize the relief much later. We talk briefly about weddings. He talks about a friend 60,000 in debt because of a wedding, but he is not in debt himself. God, I wanted to say bye and leave. Why did he approach me this time?
I am on the phone in front of Union Station, and before he even removes his sunglasses, I know. I know it’s Mike. I feel like I’m seeing a ghost. I feel alarmed, strange, and uncomfortable. I feel so many things that I’m numb. But I’m kind to him. Later I decide that’s just who I am. So is “who I am” a fool?
He says at the beginning that he never thought he’d see me again…that he didn’t know what to say… and so I ramble. Instead of getting answers. But why would I dig up the past? We hadn’t seen one another in 3 years. His last email was over a year ago. (I sent one in January 2016 reaching out for closure. He emailed back in March with a string of cruel letters, so I blocked him.)
I need more time to process this. But it felt like he wanted to say more. I don’t know what.
I know two things.
I don’t want him back.
I also don’t want to feel hurt anymore. And seeing him, I remember screaming in anguish. His words – flames against my bare skin. And God did I burn.
(My numb feeling, I recognize later is actually deep, piercing pain. I begin dreaming about him, thinking about him. It hurts so much and I cannot make it stop. I’m trying but you were in my dreams tonight and you kissed me. And I woke up in shook, realizing you will only ever kiss me in my dreams.)