Will you ever see me?

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One day when you see me

When you really see me

Against the glow of the night

When I hold you so very tight

Until I hope with all my might

That one day you’ll see me

One day I’ll wear my hair down

One day I wear a beautiful gown

We’ll go all around town

And one day you’ll see me

If only I were enough now

In my jeans and soft gray sweater

And jokes and laughs and delight

We’d stay up cracking up all night

If we could spend an afternoon together

Despite the frigid cold weather

Then we could finally be together

And then you’ll see me

You’ll see my joy, my hope, my fears, my flaws, my strength, and hope you’ll want me still

You’ll want me for who I am

The way I want you, need you, dream about you

But until then

I lay awake

Deep breaths I take

Thinking of your jokes, your laugh

Your adorable dog and hard working character

Your blonde hair and beautiful eyes

I’ve seen you all this time

And made ever effort I could

To be open and vulnerable to you

So I wonder and question what will be

The biggest question in my heart:

Will you ever see me?

Secret

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Secret
My secret
Mine to share
Mine to keep
Mine to hold on to
Mine to let go of
The problem is this
The paradox
Sharing the secret will free me
The weight of silence will choke me
The problem is this you see
My secret is deep in a cage
And I have lost the key
And I don’t know
If I am ready
To let the secret escape out into the world
I am not prepared for the fallout
Maybe there will be none.
Maybe
Secret
My secret
Mine to keep
Mine to share
Mine to grasp with my grip
Or mine to release to let it slip

Love at First Sight

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One cool day in October I messaged him
He replied swiftly the following day
We connected in a profound way
That to this day I can’t seem to find again
It was when we shared our stories of happiness, loss, and pain
There were all sorts of thoughts pouring through the edges of my brain
Deep inside the layers my soul collided
With the words he’d spoken
With deep tenderness provided
He would always end with a sweet goodnight
And I have never slept better, pure delight
In November we agreed to meet
He texted, “I’m outside” and my heart began to beat
It began to thud around in my chest so fast
I stepped out into the street,
Doing my best
To keep myself together
As he stepped out to greet me
My vision was flooded with everything in the entire world at that moment that mattered –
Him
His beautiful eyes, His crooked smile, his hair tousled in the wind
Suddenly, I felt what could only be described
As the most incredible sensation of joy, vigor, hope, and awe
I walked towards him and we embraced
And that feeling kept pulsing through me
Filling me with this out of control emotion I hadn’t experienced yet
And although we never met before
I knew that very cold November night
That what had occurred to me
Was the utter beauty of love at first sight

Broken static: Will you change your mind?

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The want of you
The constant swarming thoughts of you
The warming of my heart when you laugh
The warmth of your words
Washing over me

It
It rotated inside me
It rolled and rolled
It verged on too much

But once I asked you
Once I was honest with myself
And you in turn were honest with me
The static inside my brain burst

And the thoughts that followed
Swam through my mind
All night long

I like you
And you like me
But I like like you
And you just like me

Will you change your mind?
You make my waiting feel shorter
But should I do that?
Should I wait?

Words Rupture Bone

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Earth shattering screams erupt
Disrupting my current turmoil
But it’s all quiet
Just disaster in my mind
Everyone is talking to me
Pulling me every which way
Giving me advice
I am drowning in words
That aren’t my own
I want to put a seal around my heart
To protect it
I would like time alone
Not to feel lonely like I often do
I want the stillness of alone
The calm of quiet
Words rupture bones
And tear at scars
But not me
I’m letting my mind
Drown out their words
Others can suffocate in their own advice
But not me
The storm clouds rain despair
Upon my unsuspecting heart
Me

Fragments of Us

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To all my old lovers

I dream of you
I think of you
I drink you in
Til poison burns my skin
I think of you at night
When I’m most lonely filled with fright
To my delight
I can block you out
Until I no longer think of you
And all the heartless things you’d do
How can it be
That all my old lovers
I think of you often
When I should not
Because I know in my heart
It was not my fault
But I blame myself anyway
I see fragments of us…