Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman…

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Only a Few good days pass

Before I relapse into my other self

Before my body and mind collapse into rage and fear

Before I cannot feel anything

Before my anxiety and paranoia take over

Before I shatter as I hit the abyss

All I can do once I’m at the frigid depth

Is not plunge all the way to the end

Before everything is lost

Before everyone I know leaves me

Because I know I’m a monster

Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman

Who loves books, burgers, football, and poetry

Who loves her friends and family with her entire heart

But all my joy was spilled out and ripped apart

Before I become the nothing I feel

I have to swim out of the abyss

And until I’m out of this cycle of pain

All I can do

Is tread water

So I don’t drown

And get swallowed up by the illness that threatens to take everything from me

I have to fight to stay above water

I have to battle

But more importantly

I must not give in

I must destroy what harms me

Only then can I truly defeat the abyss and win back my life

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Hold on, Hold on to me

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Vibrations in my brain, incorrectly wired
Sending all these input and outputs until I’ve rapidly perspired
Agony
Screaming that’s so loud only I can hear it
But it’s deafening
Then silence
And me
Alone
On my bed
Crying
Hold on, Hold on to me

Brain on Fire

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Attacking me
Smacking me
Shaking me
Breaking me
Forsaking me
Harming me
Alarming me
Brain on Fire

Shattering me
Clattering me
Slashing me
Thrashing me
Tearing me
Scaring me
Brain on fire

Pounding the table
I am unable to stop
Until my hands are black and blue
Imploding me then
Exploring me
Screaming until my lungs shatter
In the end it doesn’t even matter
Brain on fire

I’m still so cold, so numb
I cannot feel the flames
Who is left to blame
I’ve been so sick for so long
I feel all hope for me is gone
So I erupt
My pain acute and abrupt
Flames of perpetual agony
Brain on Fire

Unapologetically Maria

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My bipolar disorder

It burns so deeply in my brain

My bipolar disorder

It drives me completely, utterly insane

My bipolar disorder

It hurts so many wonderful people

My bipolar disorder

I pray from the church steeple

That one magical day

My bipolar disorder

Will simply float away

But my illness it helped shape me

So how bad could it possibly be

When I’m so gloriously happy

As myself

I’ve learned through pain to develop compassion

I’ve learned to fight all the cruel moods in a tasteful fashion

When the ones around me fill me with joy and love

I know my life is a gift from God above

So while it plagues and tries to tear me down

I wouldn’t let it rip me to the ground

My bipolar disorder

It doesn’t define me

My humanity, my love, my respect, my brain, my faith, and my heart

All those things they set me apart

Everyone who can accept me

Will get a great gift all their life

For although mine is sometimes filled with strife

I will help joy to swell in every heart I touch

Because I love this beautiful, dark world and people so much

So bipolar disorder we are through

You don’t own me

And I don’t own you

I’m living life and happy as can be

Because there is so much hope and joy surrounding me

Black and White: Nina’s Dark Dream World of Desperation and Dance

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I cannot dance to save my life, but I love watching dance and have never seen Swan Lake. You have probably seen hundreds of films, plays, and musicals, but you haven’t experienced anything until you have witnessed Black Swan. Natalie Portman is gripping from start to end. The film is captivating and takes us into Nina’s (Portman’s) world of Dance which we are quick to enter and her mentally ill mind. Masterfully directed by Darren Aronofsky, many angles of this film are ones you consider once the movie is over. It is like a song in your mind and parts of it splash on to you like a hurricane. You cannot look away no matter how disturbing because you want to be side by side with every minute of action and at times you feel that energy. I watched the end in disbelief, knowing it was worth it and that “I felt it, it was perfect.” She wanted it so badly. To become the lead ballerina and the Choice is Swan Lake. We meet Beth, the older dancer who has a horrendous accident the night that Nina has an important dinner presenting her as swan queen to the public. Her teacher is a womanizer and his lexicon is suggestive but Nina wants the Swan Queen role. Enter Mila Kunias. Lily who has emotions “she’s not faking it” says the teacher, Tom. They are told the story of the black Swan and Nina is chosen to the anger and jealous of other dancers. It is assumed that Nina is having liaisons with Tom. His nefarious behavior or kissing her and groping her is despicable, a man we love to hate. She is this look of fear that never really goes away. She has no role model.

I was taken aback by her mother’s disturbing influence. Her mother has Nina under her watchful eye and it is alarming to see that while Nina is self- mutilating, her mother just is drugged out in the other room. The little music box plays and sends our protagonist into dreams with the dark, devilish prince that causes her to awake in fright. The male teacher in charge of the company suggests that Nina touch herself, but hurting herself is something Nina begins to fancy. The clothes are extravagant and the film has amazing graceful ballet. It explores a dark side. Nina is falling apart and I can’t help but want to put myself through the screen and hug her. It appears that it is too late for that as The White Swan Nina plays masterfully. It is the black Swan that troubles her and fogs her mind. There are many aspects of this film that you don’t know if they actually occurred or not. Her having sexual intercourse with Lily after lily puts a drug in her drink to let her “roll”. Also, when her mom takes the door knob away and tells Nina she called and said Nina wasn’t well, Nina gets out of the apartment or rather storms out. It is opening night. Here she has a scene with Lily that I will never forget.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you would cross the line for reaching it? This dream she has had for so long is her moment! No one can swoop up and steal her precious time that she slaved away practicing and bleeding in the name of ballet. Perhaps Lily, the new girl, embodies the qualities of the black swan. This film teaches and shows us the dark element of dance. I would never want to dance or have dreams like Nina. It takes you far past the edge into this world of obsession and madness that Nina cannot turn away from. What I love about this film is that there isn’t time and money and talk about the weather as things that bother you or make you stop and question things. It’s organic in the way it chooses to alarm and electrify your very being. Amid her woes you see that see loves dancing and it is everything to her. This lavish, decadent life she receives a glimpse of but on the downward spiral I want to scream but know it is too late. It’s over before you can help or see anyone who can. Truly it sways and rocks you into a troubled slumber of your own. Not for the weak of heart, I recommend Black Swan to anyone who has ever had a challenge in their life and given up or grown obsessed with that very challenge.