Would it make a difference if you knew

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I never got to tell you it was love at first sight
When you picked me up that night
I never got to say how you make me feel
When you are near I know it’s real
There were so many words left unsaid
So many words remained only in my head
Would it make a difference if you knew
That I was madly out of mind in love with you
What hurts the most was being so close
But you blocked me from your life
You saw me, got my messages and never told me
My heart was so severed I couldn’t see
Couldn’t think, couldn’t breath
Your cruel emails prove you didn’t understand
That to me there wasn’t a soul more grand
I’m left alone to ponder
I’m left alone in misery
I’m left alone to heal
I’m left alone to grieve
My reprieve is this
Do you care for her the way you did me
When you gave her your last first kiss?
Do you miss me?
Probably not.
The truth is I know you are married
But you were my first love
And for that reason and lots of little ones
I miss you a lot

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Utopia

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Chasing wiry clouds
Chasing the harsh winds
Chasing the echo of your voice
Chasing the chance you love me
Chasing the feelings you causing me to have

Running from the angry voices
Running from the agony that’s ripping my chest
Running from the fact that home is no longer where the heart is
Running from shredded dreams and dashed hopes
Running from the failure that is me

Escaping to silence
Escaping to where no one knows me
Escaping to where the bar isn’t set so high I can’t even see it
Escaping to where the problems end and new ones begin, ones I can cope with

This is my utopia
Silence
New Beginning
And if you kid yourself for long enough
The fact that you are here and your life is else where
That line between truth and fiction
Sort of just fizzes away
Utopia At least I know my place here
And I can bare it
For now

Promises, but really lies

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For the beginning the lie began to brew

The promise that “I’ll never hurt you”

I should have known then that it couldn’t be true

You fed me sweet sweet words

That realized that I didn’t pick

Was while you fed them to me

And the sugar made me sick

It coated my heart

And I loved you a lot

But all of the sugar

Caused me to be a fool

And my heart to corrode and rot

To dissipate like snowflakes in the ocean and disappear …

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My once calming joyful bliss
Suddenly sprinkled with blurred sickening sadness
Because long ago you and I were together
I still vividly remember you
And I remember every time we were together
Until we weren’t
I recall your laughter, your voice
Your kindness and the warmth you exuded – that was your choice
Most of all I remember you cruel words
And you know what
They still hurt
I remember when I ran into you
Downtown recently
I froze as you took off you sunglasses and approached me
I was completely numb and scared
Completely unprepared
I thought I felt nothing but
I had so much to say
That all dissolved when you displayed your wedding ring
My words just flushed away
It made me sick
I wanted to kick the ground and scream
What could I do?
I did the right thing, I congratulated you.
I never remember a moment more clear
Than that moment because I literally wanted
To dissipate like snowflakes in the ocean and disappear …

Happy

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Dust off the old photos I found
Recognize the essence of my soul in every frame
Recognize these photos are my reality
They are moments when I was truly happy
Remember the old me
I forgot how many times I was happy
Lately I’ve been quite sick
And been quick
To accept my misery
However
Going through all the poems
All the pictures
I remember
Beauty
Joy
Love
Happiness
Family
Warmth
Nature
Wonder
I’ve been forgetting that happiness
Is right there
I can reach out and touch it
I decide I will
I decide there’s no more time to kill
And what a thrill
These old memories
Have brought to mind
That I was, am, and can be
Happy

Broken

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Bloody knuckles

Broken dreams

Tears stream

I scream

But no one can hear

Not one can lend an ear

My watch smashes and breaks

How much will it take

Before I smash too?

Before it’s much more than

Bleeding knuckles

Broken dreams

When will I be okay

When will anybody love me

When will the hate stop

When will I see the top

When?

Until then

It’s bleeding knuckles

Broken dreams

Only human

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I feel horrible pain

I feel close to insane

It’s harming my brain

I weep

My heart leaps

I fall and bleed but

I often succeed

I smile and nod

I wonder about God

I run 5 miles

That makes me smile

I sometimes hike

I ride my bike until I take flight

I unite friends

The fun never gets ends

I eat

I wash my entire body what a feat

I think I dream

I feel pain physically and emotionally

I’m only human

Could you love this young woman

Who you seem to think

Is invincible

But really

Hurts like everyone else

Because I’m only human

Despite what you think

Eventually we all sink

To the level that we are

That we are meant to be

I may be strong and capable of wonder

Realize this please

And then we can both be at ease

That I’m only human