…And your Love is what Lingers…

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I feel horrific and sudden pain

Shooting daggers throughout my brain

It feels as if I am absolutely insane

Except I know that I am not

So I spot my headphones

And I put them on quickly

I scroll through my music swiftly

The daggers stab me over and over again

I don’t know when

When will it end

I’ve had this condition for so long

So because nothing helps I turn on a song

And when the piano and cello starts

I immediately fall apart more

Because it’s too beautiful

So I search again for a tune

To calm me down as I stare at the disappearing moon

I find something that will soothe me

And I listen to it quietly

It relaxes my wild mind

And calms my shaken nerves

Something I think I deserve

16 years of fighting to feel not sick

If I had the magic potion to cure me

I’d drink it up quick

Instead I cope, I deal

Sometimes I wonder if any of it’s real

Then I remember that soon today

My love and I will be together and I say

Everything will be okay

Because despite the illness that rages in my mind

Despite the doctors

Despite the medication

Despite side effects

Despite indifference

Despite sweating all night

Despite the anxiety, the fear

Despite the feeling utterly lost sometimes

Despite it all

When you stroke my hand slowly with you soft finger

When you tell me sweet things and smile at me, demonstrating in many ways how much you care

When you tell me “I choose you”

When you kiss me and my heart melts

All the pain goes away

And your love is what lingers

And as long as I’m with you

Which hopefully is forever

We can forget our suffering

Our different but similar pain

And remember that

Love cures all wounds

And I feel that so deeply in my heart

Whenever you are next to me

That’s where you belong

And I hope

That’s always where you’ll be

My Poetic Defense

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My heart is full of deep, profound emotions
So immense
So intense
All I can do is furiously type on this keyboard
All I can do is remember the feeling of your hand in mind
All I can do is wait for the next time I see you
You told me things
You told me “I miss you”
You told me “You mean the world to me”
You told me “I choose you”
These things are causing my heart to implode
And then explode
Never as any man been so kind to me
Treated me with so much respect and dignity
So instead of professing all of my feelings to you
My actions are the words on this page
My emotions gauge this –
I feel that I am falling so hard I can barely stand
So here we are in my written recompense
For being afraid to tell you everything
This is my way of announcing you mean everything to me:
My poetic defense

I am floating…

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I am floating, floating far away
To where I am going I can’t really say
I’m floating swiftly in the blink of an eye
I floating away, please bid me goodbye
It’s fast and far that’s where I will go
No sense in even looking, you’ll never know
I will fly to a place entirely of my own
A place where I can weep secretly, alone
I’ll use my face to hide the pain
Even though my eyes are stained
I’ll pick up a shell off the beach so far away
Only a few minutes more,
Because longer I can’t possibly stay
And somehow in some strange way
The shell reminds me of you today
It is my greatest bliss and my worst foe
Hurriedly I will pack up and go
I’ll go back to where I came
Although it will never be the same
It’s silly to look for someone to blame
In my adventure I will see
A brief glimpse of what it’s like to be happy
Then the beach waves will rush in
Crush my hopes, recall only your sin
And my ignorance to think you actually cared
Thinking our friendship was existent and strong
Thinking of what it was that I did wrong
Knowing my guard will never be down again
With the entire world entire race of men
I’ll pick up the seashell and as I do
Instead I’ll simply despair realizing one thing is true
I will never love another the way I loved you
I will be half a heart until
I find another man who makes it stand still

Secret

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Secret
My secret
Mine to share
Mine to keep
Mine to hold on to
Mine to let go of
The problem is this
The paradox
Sharing the secret will free me
The weight of silence will choke me
The problem is this you see
My secret is deep in a cage
And I have lost the key
And I don’t know
If I am ready
To let the secret escape out into the world
I am not prepared for the fallout
Maybe there will be none.
Maybe
Secret
My secret
Mine to keep
Mine to share
Mine to grasp with my grip
Or mine to release to let it slip

When the Soul Cries

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It’s is the body really omitting all the tears, at first

It’s shaking violently, sobbing

It’s a deep puncturing cry that the soul feels and reacts to

The soul squirms at first, it cannot handle the pain the body feels.

The soul in its wisdom tries to comfort the body, doing everything it can to relax the body, stop the agony.

It calms it strokes the body trying to make the pain flow away.

It does not always work and chaos ensues.

So the soul begins to cry along lacking in its comfort, causing the cry

To be an entire other level of pain, hurt, despondence.

The pain becomes unbearable as the body and soul are both under attack at the same moment.

It’s upsetting and when it finally ends

The soul now has a deep mark

One that over time heals, sometimes…

I explain to myself so many times

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I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.

I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,

Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you

I did.
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
I imagined.
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.