I explain to myself so many times

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I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.

I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,

Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you

I did.
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
I imagined.
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.

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I’m spinning

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I haven’t heard from you in two days
I pace
I wonder
I work out
I watch tv
I brush my teeth
I go to bed
But as I go through my day
I wonder about you
Are you really busy?
Because it’s hard to not hear from you
Until I do
My mind is racing
I’m spinning

I can’t say goodbye

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I don’t know if we should be together
As hard as I try
As many times as I’ve done it
I can’t say goodbye
You mean too much to me
To disappear from my life
Truly I hoped I’d one day be your wife
We come to an impasse
Sometimes at night
But despite all the trouble
We get through a difficult fight
If even in the morning
I wake up distressed
Your good morning message
Leaves my mind beyond impressed
Who could have ever guessed
A little thing that you do
Like telling me to make sure I eat
Would make me fall for you?
You told me of road trips, and hiking
All the fun things we could do
Although sometimes I fight it
Although it feels like maybe it’s not right
To my delight
You don’t give up on us
So I won’t even try
Because the way my heart longs for each breath
Each moment
I can’t say goodbye to you

Desire’s got a reckless hold on me

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Dripping of desire

Desire of so much more

Desire of my own life

Desire of a great job

Desire of true love and lust

Desire of perspiring until I lose the weight

Desire of the 10k race

Desire off all my goals

One day at a time

Desire

Dripping desire

Of reckless hope

Reckless hold on me

Desire’s got a reckless hold on me

It commands me no more.

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I want to take it
Away from your hand
That power only you have over me
It’s one I can’t stand
I want to take it
And twist it and turn it
Take it deep in the woods and burn it
I want to stop feeding your powers
With a beaming smile and joking conversation
I want to take away your smile’s sensation
I think I’ll bend it
Reverse it to you
So that way you’ll feel it
You’ll love me
The way I love you
I mean,
If it can’t be destroyed
I wish it changes its spell
The powers of heaven and hell
Clash before my eyes
My only prize
Is knowing I’ll see you again
But this is a double ended sword
The other end is your powers
Your purple pixie dust
That activates when our eyes meet
It’s the best pleasure in my life
And the worst torment at the same time
A paradox – that’s your true power
You have my in rapture one moment
Then captured by tears the next
Unable to breath, swallow, or move.
I want to take it, shatter and break it
There. Now it is done.
Now, It commands me no more.

Would it make a difference if you knew

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I never got to tell you it was love at first sight
When you picked me up that night
I never got to say how you make me feel
When you are near I know it’s real
There were so many words left unsaid
So many words remained only in my head
Would it make a difference if you knew
That I was madly out of mind in love with you
What hurts the most was being so close
But you blocked me from your life
You saw me, got my messages and never told me
My heart was so severed I couldn’t see
Couldn’t think, couldn’t breath
Your cruel emails prove you didn’t understand
That to me there wasn’t a soul more grand
I’m left alone to ponder
I’m left alone in misery
I’m left alone to heal
I’m left alone to grieve
My reprieve is this
Do you care for her the way you did me
When you gave her your last first kiss?
Do you miss me?
Probably not.
The truth is I know you are married
But you were my first love
And for that reason and lots of little ones
I miss you a lot

Utopia

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Chasing wiry clouds
Chasing the harsh winds
Chasing the echo of your voice
Chasing the chance you love me
Chasing the feelings you causing me to have

Running from the angry voices
Running from the agony that’s ripping my chest
Running from the fact that home is no longer where the heart is
Running from shredded dreams and dashed hopes
Running from the failure that is me

Escaping to silence
Escaping to where no one knows me
Escaping to where the bar isn’t set so high I can’t even see it
Escaping to where the problems end and new ones begin, ones I can cope with

This is my utopia
Silence
New Beginning
And if you kid yourself for long enough
The fact that you are here and your life is else where
That line between truth and fiction
Sort of just fizzes away
Utopia At least I know my place here
And I can bare it
For now