Deleting Poison…?

Standard

Old Emails from the man I loved
Pop up on my old emails sections
And they –

Pass through my brain and my bloodstream
Like the deadliest Poison, most horrific agony
And the Poison
I’m drowning in it, suffocating – there’s no air
In fiery, agonizing poison
From all those kind words
That didn’t mean anything really
If the end result
Was malice, cruelty
All the lovely, kind words
They burn into my brain

I race to erase them
But could I ever forget them?
Would they hurt less if they weren’t laced with cruelty in the end?
What did they ever mean?
Was there ever even love?
For me. I loved him.
To go back 3 years
And see his emails
Is poisonous to my soul

I deleted the emails.
But deleting the pain, that’s not so simple

Advertisements

Pieces of my heart 

Standard

My heart’s been ripped up

And utterly torn apart

It’s been shattered, smeared around, stomped upon, and

I fear it’s disappeared 

But I can feel it, beating

Every time it happens 

It breaks into smaller and smaller pieces

Until it’s nearly mere dust

And my bloody fingers picking up the precious shards

I’m putting myself back together 

There are just so many pieces

Of my shattered heart

Could you still love me?

Could you love someone trying to fix the pieces? 

Because my heart, it beats for you 

I’ve picked up all the pieces and put them together with a special glue of

Hope, love, kindness, and praying

Such Powerful Things

So could you love this woman?

I’m so much stronger now 

I could love you so beautifully fully and deeply

If you let me

I would love you, with great joy, with my entire heart

Pieces of my heart 

Standard

My heart’s been ripped up

And utterly torn apart

It’s been shattered, smeared around, stomped upon, and

I fear it’s disappeared 

But I can feel it, beating

Every time it happens 

It breaks into smaller and smaller pieces

Until it’s nearly mere dust

And my bloody fingers picking up the precious shards

I’m putting myself back together 

There are just so many pieces

Of my shattered heart

Could you still love me?

Could you love someone trying to fix the pieces? 

Because my heart, it beats for you 

I’ve picked up all the pieces and put them together with a special glue of

Hope, love, kindness, and praying

Such Powerful Things

So could you love this woman?

I’m so much stronger now 

I could love you so beautifully fully and deeply

If you let me

I would love you, with great joy, with my entire heart

The Bridge to Somewhere, Fragments of a dream

Standard

I’m on the bridge to somewhere
and I carry as I go
A present, a scarf, and a golden locket
trembling through the open snow

I’m on the bridge to somewhere
and careful as I am
I rip my jacket against the branches
running faster, damn

I’m on the bridge to somewhere
and as I run along
I realize something’s very wrong

On the bridge to somewhere I wrap my scarf around my neck
Running just a half mile further
To where we said we’d meet
What the heck?

So I finally reach that somewhere
The fool he’s standing five feet ahead
Kind of makes me wish I never got out of bed.

I throw the locket
deep into the sparkly white
the snow that has covered the earth
and everything in sight

I return the present
now we’re inches apart
I know I will regret this
so I turn to leave
Then I have him grabbing
tugging at my sleeve

I don’t want any words
to escape my mouth so I run and trip
Trying very hard to grow up and get a grip

Then the blizzard starts again and everything is right
Wet, cold, and sad but sparkly and white

Lockdown

Standard

Everyone is throwing advice around
To tell or not to tell him
Everyone has strong opinions of whether to stay away or come forward with my feelings
I think, what if I get hurt again?
Will it hurt more than last time, the same? Suddenly fear!
The mere thought of the pain
Sends painful sensations of fear piercing
Deep into my brain
My eyes strain to stare forward on my train home
It’s then that I decide I want the walls back up
The ones I spent eons taking down
Only love could hurt like this…
But if I put my heart on lockdown
Will I be saved?
Or is locking up my heart a bigger crime?
How can I be open but protected?
Until I figure that out
It’s fair to say in my dismay
There will be love lockdown

(Thinking of him, It’s) Burning Fires

Standard

Agony pain burning fires
In my brain
In my body
In my heart
I can’t put the fire out
Water doesn’t work
I thought I could drown it in tears
I thought I could suffocate it
With my sweater
But instead
It suffocates me.
Smoke, fire, flames bursting through my heart.
Suddenly an explosion.
My heart’s a million tiny pieces
Shattered, scattered.
I finally put the fire out
Superhuman strength appears
Strong resolve to survive
but the damage of the fire
It is overwhelming
It’s burning pain I can still feel
The shock of the smoke
Collapses my lungs
The sadness of joy turned into sparks
Sparks of absolute agony
The fire was uninviting
Torture
Truly it was the deepest level of hell
I felt pain in places I didn’t know I could
Now the charred remains will get off this train
After class
After talking to Ethan
After help from Heidi
After wisdom from Janet and Glendalyn
After tea with Bella
I walk to go shower
My charred self
Recovering what I can
Abandoning the rest
And recalling how high the flames got

And praying that no one can hurt me that deeply again…
Knowing they could.
Off to shower, drink coffee and pretend everything is fine.
Until it is.

Judge Me

Standard

<revisting high school ponderings>

no matter
where you go where you are
people are judging you
your clothes
your make up
your hair
your purse
everything is being analyzed before
you even speak to the person
i noticed as i went to shake someone’s hand
i already judged them as a jock
because they were built and wearing Abercrombie
i thought was not so judgmental
but as the day wore on
i figured out even if I never said it
I was.

And that sucked.
Now when people JUDGE ME
I get mad but realize i was judging the person
next to them anyway

I’m trying to figure out
why we judge people
and why some things get in the
way of ever knowing someone