Throwback Thursday: Something I found in a journal from a decade ago

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I was madly out of my mind with love… And after all the lazy days and being friends, after I walked around my final weeks as a senior year as an android. I was in SO much pain. I was numb. I cried myself to sleep. Food had no taste. I did not feel physical pain any more. I hammered my hands to a bloody pulp in crew one day before I noticed they were bleeding at all. It was an accident, I just remember seeing my hands and thinking what have I done? Then I felt surges of pain, my hands begging choking why? What is going to happen to me? Will I always be half a soul? I was DEAD inside. And for years I went over every detail like that would help. Like it would go back and erase everything if I just think really hard, close my eyes. I would strip off all my clothes. I would feel the cold swallow my naked body. Be naked. Fold those clothes nicely in a pile, take a hot bath, and when I got out every thing in the world would fix itself. I would dry off with a velvety soft purple towel, lotion my body, brush my now silky hair, put on my favorite comfy clothes and pretend nothing’s happened. It is toxic. It is the absolute worst kind of poison for your body. It will make you either strong or break you! It destroyed me. It corroded my brain. A wind storm blew the files of my brain and scattered them around. Razor blades tore up any belief or hope I had for love. Like being stoned to death. Or drinking bleach. Or falling off a cliff. I do not trust anyone. Anyone! I was a ghost in a beautiful world but I did not see any beauty. I saw ugly. I regret allowing myself falling into this pit of hurt and I could not climb out. Just kept digging and digging until I could not hear or see anything. Then I dug a little more. My private place. Any relationship I have, I do not know what to think when a guy says something. What does it mean? I see visions of Keith in my head. Visions. Spinning, dizzy visions. Penetrating my mind, burning a hole in reason. Playing like skipping CDs. Like broken blades of a blender spinning. It is as if I am watching a horror movie and I cannot close my eyes. I cannot beg for help. The guitar and the painting with me. The comfort of clanking tools. Now? If I ever see him again I feel wobbly the whole day. One time so far and let me just say no thank you. And cannot sleep, because I feel like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t, but I know that kind of pain where you want to be locked in a tower. An unforgiving tower. And burn it to the ground while still inside. Dark. Lonely. Frigid.  Like stabbing pains.  In my mind, it’s still a blur. Spinning. Screaming. Blurry. Foggy. Prick, Prick, Prick. Little Stabs. Prick, Prick, Prick, Prick.

If we weren’t right for each other

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Maybe we weren’t right for each other

But why do I feel this way inside?

I felt like if I saw you,

Part of me would want to hide

I wouldn’t want to be around

A person I loved so much

But when I tried to be close to you

It seemed you didn’t want my touch

After all the things that have happened,

The new guys, the dates

For some reason it’s for you I wait

Is it a mistake that I want to see you again

One more time

To know for sure that

That you would change on a dime

Is not realistic

But why do I miss you so much sometimes

If we weren’t right for each other?

And numb, it’s the Coldest

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It’s so cold here. In my being.

Hope is a stranger, a figure of the past,

Sadness is my cruel friend

Anxiety is my companion

I can count on both of them

Inside of me, it’s so cold

I shiver and I shatter as minutes turn to hours of being alone

Years and Years of loneliness made my soul grow cold

I wish the rain could wash over me and make me feel

feel warm, cold, pain

Feel something, anything at all.

Now there’s no sadness, no anxiety.

I’m even beyond misery

All that I have, all that I am is numb

And numb, it’s the coldest

 

Bitterness and a Broken Vow

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I rest here on the floor

Completely crestfallen and alone

Not wanted anywhere not even home

Broken how?

Bitterness and a broken vow.

 

They severed my contentment

Smashed my heart

Then spat it out and ripped it apart

Broken how?

Bitterness and a broken vow.

 

I lay here yet again,

In the same spot

Everyone denying it

The whole lot

While I’m broken, shattered

Mangled, Tangled in a knot

Of what is and what’s not.

Broken how?

Bitterness and a broken vow.

 

I sit and work among them

Stitching my tainted heart at the hem

Trying to sew the pieces up quick and strong

So next time the emotional pain won’t last so painfully long

But something is bound to bounce

Off my the wrong way and break

Please, consider what’s at stake

The slashing open of an old gash, broken once more

All you need to do is look at the core

Of bitterness and a broken vow.

You wanted to know how they broke me.

You know now.

Paradise Lost

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I never thought

We’d actually stop

Speaking, let alone completely

Stop being friends.

After four years of friendship,

Birthdays and holidays

Old habits, traditions are dissolved to nothing.

Stopped talking. No more exchanged

Stories, lives, advice, humor.

To no longer hear your distinguished voice

Reassure me

Is like dangling over the open azure sea.

I’m utterly petrified of

That inevitable

Plunge past you

Into the unknown.

The weights of doubt and guilt

Are drowning me

My lungs screaming and

I come up for air alone

It’s almost as if

You were never there.

Almost.

Like an entire empire has crashed.

Paradise is lost.

I lean on your nonexistence shoulder

And collapse to the ground

Bruised, broken, and bare

Every vulnerable piece exposed

Every petal composed

Of something lovely that will never be.

I don’t want to hear anyone telling me

The cliché comfort

“I know how you feel.”

Really, because if so then you must hold a solution

You don’t. (That’s what I thought!)

To go from close friends

To two people who simply don’t know each other

One clinging to the fragments that are

Left, the other only too quick to throw the best-selling novel

That was our friendship away.

To discard it like an empty juice carton

You sucked the life from.

Just like you sucked the life from me.

Lockdown

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Everyone is throwing advice around
To tell or not to tell him
Everyone has strong opinions of whether to stay away or come forward with my feelings
I think, what if I get hurt again?
Will it hurt more than last time, the same? Suddenly fear!
The mere thought of the pain
Sends painful sensations of fear piercing
Deep into my brain
My eyes strain to stare forward on my train home
It’s then that I decide I want the walls back up
The ones I spent eons taking down
Only love could hurt like this…
But if I put my heart on lockdown
Will I be saved?
Or is locking up my heart a bigger crime?
How can I be open but protected?
Until I figure that out
It’s fair to say in my dismay
There will be love lockdown

Untitled

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That pain in your eyes has been there for days.
I don’t want to ask, I’ll just get in the way.
The pain in your eyes it reflects on the lake
That anguish I wish so badly I could extract and take
Turn it to ice and let it shatter
Because after it melts it simply won’t matter
It will seep deep into the earths cracks and flow far away
While my hand in your hand will stay
I will listen if you need me.
I’ll stay silent if you don’t,
But if the pain becomes too much
Please express it how you want to,
And judge you, I won’t.
I will do anything to comfort that which takes such a heavy toll
And with all the love contained in my being ill fill the cracks in to make you whole