I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.
I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,
Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.
Everybody hates liars
But everybody lies
Does that make us hypocrites?
Everybody loathes death
But everybody dies (eventually)
We simply fear the inevitable.
Everybody hates cruelty
But everyone is cruel
Denial is our worn out tool.
Everyone hates learning
But everyone goes to school
We go because we have dreams and we want to convert into those dreams.
The only thing that would change that
Is if your action your lie, or cruelty shatters, ruins, or crumbles
Someone else or you
And if they forgive you
Well anybody can forgive if they try but not every
Can you forgive yourself?
After a rough night
My dreams took flight
After a long hard, depressing day
I count on my dreams to take me far away
After pain and tears
After all my fears
After problems and lack of a job
Swallow my life
After all this fills me to the brim with strife
I go to my bed
I wrap around my covers
Of happy dreams to calm me
I see something else entirely
Through the fog and mist
It was your lips I kissed
Not even in the land of dreams it’s true
I try to escape but I saw it,
I saw you
Trying to turn back
Lost in a long, perilous journey
Filled with regret or hope
Attempting to remain somebody
But until then
I, along with all of you
We are just floating along in this life
Despite our greatest efforts
Despite everything we do
Water is pouring in through every crack
We are sinking
Until repairs can be made
Until we are no longer afraid
We all make mistakes
And for now
We are all shipwrecks
Problems, pains, fears,
Prick, Prick, Prick
Stab, Stab, Stab
Smolder, Smolder, Smolder,
Smash, Crash, wild dash
They are just stacking up
Stacking up so high
Higher and Higher
Until they collapse onto me
Swallowing me up
They stack up so high
They blind me
They bind me
Problems, pains, fears.
Why is it here at all
And why is everything so heavy?
They are not conversations
They are conversations
Waiting to turn into fights
Day by Day
Every day is a battle
I have nothing
Except the screaming
I can’t take another night like this
I can’t take another fight like this
I went upstairs to ask a question
And the words get thrown at my
And they strike
Daggers to my heart
Chasing wiry clouds
Chasing the harsh winds
Chasing the echo of your voice
Chasing the chance you love me
Chasing the feelings you causing me to have
Running from the angry voices
Running from the agony that’s ripping my chest
Running from the fact that home is no longer where the heart is
Running from shredded dreams and dashed hopes
Running from the failure that is me
Escaping to silence
Escaping to where no one knows me
Escaping to where the bar isn’t set so high I can’t even see it
Escaping to where the problems end and new ones begin, ones I can cope with
This is my utopia
And if you kid yourself for long enough
The fact that you are here and your life is else where
That line between truth and fiction
Sort of just fizzes away
Utopia At least I know my place here
And I can bare it