Our “Separate” Ways (throwback)

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I was younger,

Still a girl

Too damn smart for my own good

(I still am)

Hard headed, thus walking a

Street named desire but

I walked this lonely

Road on my own, my ears

The only ones that heard

Of my breakdown

 

We were only fourteen then

When he found me in the Gold Gym

So lost in my secrets

I wonder how he managed to find me

And gave me the best advice I ever knew

Made me realize that it’s not just how much you love

But how much others love you

It was just a moment, and we bounced

The basketball a while

I liked his skills, he my style

And I swear he knew me better then I did

Created a smile after he found where I hid

 

Now he’s good for a hi

And a bye- eyes lingering for more

Unbalanced friendship

And nothing more

We walked in the same Maine East hallway

Our “separate” ways

Just like that, like we never met

The only things left are

Tattered photographs, scribbles in my yearbook,

And a letter of apology

 

Maybe one day

I will walk on that street again

And someone will catch me before I fall like he did

And set me free to fly (I can tell you one thing)

I’ll remember that day in the gym till I die

Human Nature (throwback)

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Everybody hates liars

But everybody lies

Does that make us hypocrites?

Everybody loathes death

But everybody dies (eventually)

We simply fear the inevitable.

Everybody hates cruelty

But everyone is cruel

Denial is our worn out tool.

Everyone hates learning

But everyone goes to school

We go because we have dreams and we want to convert into those dreams.

The only thing that would change that

Is if your action your lie, or cruelty shatters, ruins, or crumbles

Someone else or you

And if they forgive you

Well anybody can forgive if they try but not every

Can forget

More importantly

Can you forgive yourself?

 

A rare gem: Beatriz at Dinner

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A lot came to my mind when watching this film yesterday. The film wrapped my senses in a way that I’m not used to. The concept was simple, a woman’s (Selma Hayek) car is broken down so she will stay for dinner where she drove a long way to act as a healer through massage for a wealthy woman. But, this is a healer that works for a very well off woman and her family and the class divide is painfully obvious and even pointed out by John Lithegow’s character who is brilliant as a villain (or is he?). Truly, the audience is meant to pass judgment on his character and whether they agree with the way Beatriz views him after mingling at the party. It is not a Hollywood blockbuster, a thriller, a comedy, or a romance. This film has the genius of floating completely underneath the radar. I spoke to the librarian where I volunteer and she said, “Oh, if you enjoyed The Big Short, you will enjoy Beatriz at Dinner.” Her assessment was spot on. The movies couldn’t be more different but having the same message in the end about the dark side of money, wealth, and power. While the dinner party is composed of several guests, this film gives brilliant insight into their personalities as well as managing to keep Beatriz as the main character. Hayek captives utterly in this film, and that is one reason I believe it is one to see. I don’t want to explain much because I want to encourage everyone to see this film. I believe it is a wake up call about society, about the 1% taking too much, and about appreciating what you get in this life and holding onto it. This film accomplishes that in a gentle, yet profound way. The movie is definitely out of the norm and not what I expected. It isn’t being advertised non stop on tv and that would take away from the way this movie is. It is a rare gem, and I think you should go experience this journey.

Throwback Thursday: Something I found in a journal from a decade ago

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I was madly out of my mind with love… And after all the lazy days and being friends, after I walked around my final weeks as a senior year as an android. I was in SO much pain. I was numb. I cried myself to sleep. Food had no taste. I did not feel physical pain any more. I hammered my hands to a bloody pulp in crew one day before I noticed they were bleeding at all. It was an accident, I just remember seeing my hands and thinking what have I done? Then I felt surges of pain, my hands begging choking why? What is going to happen to me? Will I always be half a soul? I was DEAD inside. And for years I went over every detail like that would help. Like it would go back and erase everything if I just think really hard, close my eyes. I would strip off all my clothes. I would feel the cold swallow my naked body. Be naked. Fold those clothes nicely in a pile, take a hot bath, and when I got out every thing in the world would fix itself. I would dry off with a velvety soft purple towel, lotion my body, brush my now silky hair, put on my favorite comfy clothes and pretend nothing’s happened. It is toxic. It is the absolute worst kind of poison for your body. It will make you either strong or break you! It destroyed me. It corroded my brain. A wind storm blew the files of my brain and scattered them around. Razor blades tore up any belief or hope I had for love. Like being stoned to death. Or drinking bleach. Or falling off a cliff. I do not trust anyone. Anyone! I was a ghost in a beautiful world but I did not see any beauty. I saw ugly. I regret allowing myself falling into this pit of hurt and I could not climb out. Just kept digging and digging until I could not hear or see anything. Then I dug a little more. My private place. Any relationship I have, I do not know what to think when a guy says something. What does it mean? I see visions of Keith in my head. Visions. Spinning, dizzy visions. Penetrating my mind, burning a hole in reason. Playing like skipping CDs. Like broken blades of a blender spinning. It is as if I am watching a horror movie and I cannot close my eyes. I cannot beg for help. The guitar and the painting with me. The comfort of clanking tools. Now? If I ever see him again I feel wobbly the whole day. One time so far and let me just say no thank you. And cannot sleep, because I feel like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t, but I know that kind of pain where you want to be locked in a tower. An unforgiving tower. And burn it to the ground while still inside. Dark. Lonely. Frigid.  Like stabbing pains.  In my mind, it’s still a blur. Spinning. Screaming. Blurry. Foggy. Prick, Prick, Prick. Little Stabs. Prick, Prick, Prick, Prick.

If we weren’t right for each other

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Maybe we weren’t right for each other

But why do I feel this way inside?

I felt like if I saw you,

Part of me would want to hide

I wouldn’t want to be around

A person I loved so much

But when I tried to be close to you

It seemed you didn’t want my touch

After all the things that have happened,

The new guys, the dates

For some reason it’s for you I wait

Is it a mistake that I want to see you again

One more time

To know for sure that

That you would change on a dime

Is not realistic

But why do I miss you so much sometimes

If we weren’t right for each other?

And numb, it’s the Coldest

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It’s so cold here. In my being.

Hope is a stranger, a figure of the past,

Sadness is my cruel friend

Anxiety is my companion

I can count on both of them

Inside of me, it’s so cold

I shiver and I shatter as minutes turn to hours of being alone

Years and Years of loneliness made my soul grow cold

I wish the rain could wash over me and make me feel

feel warm, cold, pain

Feel something, anything at all.

Now there’s no sadness, no anxiety.

I’m even beyond misery

All that I have, all that I am is numb

And numb, it’s the coldest

 

Bitterness and a Broken Vow

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I rest here on the floor

Completely crestfallen and alone

Not wanted anywhere not even home

Broken how?

Bitterness and a broken vow.

 

They severed my contentment

Smashed my heart

Then spat it out and ripped it apart

Broken how?

Bitterness and a broken vow.

 

I lay here yet again,

In the same spot

Everyone denying it

The whole lot

While I’m broken, shattered

Mangled, Tangled in a knot

Of what is and what’s not.

Broken how?

Bitterness and a broken vow.

 

I sit and work among them

Stitching my tainted heart at the hem

Trying to sew the pieces up quick and strong

So next time the emotional pain won’t last so painfully long

But something is bound to bounce

Off my the wrong way and break

Please, consider what’s at stake

The slashing open of an old gash, broken once more

All you need to do is look at the core

Of bitterness and a broken vow.

You wanted to know how they broke me.

You know now.