Born a Crime Reflection

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Every time I picked this book up to continue it, it was like reuniting with an old friend that I wanted to learn more about, although I wished I never had to put it down. Sitting in the train station, I read the first 86 pages and as I heard the train approaching I quickly planned my next free moment to continue this reading endeavor: I simply couldn’t wait. Trevor Noah is astonishingly brilliant in how he chose to let us in his world and narrate to us a window into his world, complicated by many things from skin color and the poverty that unfortunately went along with it. A world that would have caused many to lose their way, but Trevor was resilient and his mother helped instill good values in him, despite how poorly behaved he often was. In many ways, I feel this book is a love letter. A love letter to Trevor’s mom. A love letter to his friends and mostly, a love letter to all the parts of his childhood that challenged him and helped him thrive during a time when he wasn’t meant to. The apatherid meant he wasn’t supposed to thrive. And as we saw with his “hulk” friend from jail, the end of the apartheid meant disadvantaged people were forced to steal to feed their families. This book really showed me a perspective I haven’t seen before and I was truly lucky that this book was chosen to be read. I was astounded by what I learned about South Africa. It was fascinating but also very sad to hear. The slaughter and mistreatment of people was shocking to me. The comparison made to Hitler and how there weren’t numbers to account for the deaths like there were in the Holocaust brought a chill down my spine. I could jump around from subject to subject trying to explain all the reasons that I loved this book. The biggest reason is I fell in love with the story. Trevor allowed me in. His raw feelings were all brought to the surface, especially his mother being shot at the end. A relationship changes when someone that you care about lets you fully in and lets you get to know them on their terms. And that’s exactly what Trevor did. Trevor Noah let me into his world, sharing with me and all of us about life’s lessons, and how black, white, colored, or whatever we were, we are all human and deserving of love. And deserving of a good life. Trevor taught me that, and by allowing me into his world, introduced me to a way of examining one’s life that I will never forget.

Ledge, Wings, and Memories

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These poems these memories
They boil up with me
Sending me nostalgically
Into what I want to be
Blending words like chemistry
Expressing my life into an expository
Talking about things
Talking about flying with my pair of wings
Talking about new beginnings
Old endings
The reals and the pretend endings
Talking about acting like yourself
Not like anyone else
I dive off the edge
I smash into the ledge
I brush off the pain
I look for whom to blame
And someone who can tame
The wild within me
Before I turn this into the never-ending story
I’ll sign off, still seeking eternal glory!

Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman…

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Only a Few good days pass

Before I relapse into my other self

Before my body and mind collapse into rage and fear

Before I cannot feel anything

Before my anxiety and paranoia take over

Before I shatter as I hit the abyss

All I can do once I’m at the frigid depth

Is not plunge all the way to the end

Before everything is lost

Before everyone I know leaves me

Because I know I’m a monster

Hiding in the body of a young, vibrant woman

Who loves books, burgers, football, and poetry

Who loves her friends and family with her entire heart

But all my joy was spilled out and ripped apart

Before I become the nothing I feel

I have to swim out of the abyss

And until I’m out of this cycle of pain

All I can do

Is tread water

So I don’t drown

And get swallowed up by the illness that threatens to take everything from me

I have to fight to stay above water

I have to battle

But more importantly

I must not give in

I must destroy what harms me

Only then can I truly defeat the abyss and win back my life

“Who cares if one more light goes out? I do.” – A call to help with unimaginable pain

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I have personally dealt the with the desperate feeling of facing
the edge of disaster… for help call, Please call 1-800-273-8255
It’s the suicide hotline. Please if you are struggling know that
I love you. That I care if you live.

Because I personally was on the cliff
I felt horribly, and helplessly alone
Not listened to by anyone
I curled up into a ball
Too numb to even omit a sob
Not wanted by a single soul
Crashing into hatred of myself, of everything I have become
Like a complete, utter failure
Like a total loser, no job, no boyfriend, no car, worthless
Pain, horrible devastating pain
That no man wants to kiss and love because of my illness
I felt worthless, cold despair
I wanted my pain to end
I wanted to go away and escape the pain

Somehow I told someone about it
I reached out but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do
The hardest to expose my vulnerability
Tell someone my darkness thoughts
They were pitch black dark thoughts
And worry what they would think of me
I had to tell, I had to realize I was worth something

If you are struggling please know there is help.
People love you.
You are worth loving and living.
You are precious.
You have so much to offer.
You feel helpless and alone.
But Hold on.

Talk to someone you trust.
They won’t judge you because they care.
They love you and want to help
If you feel you have no one like that
Please call 1-800-273-8255

We have lost millions of beautiful souls
No longer glowing
Who cares if one more light goes out?
I do.

Please, I know when life feels like it’s not worth living.
Feel your feelings, cry your tears, hell smash a vase if you have to.
Please, hold on. Break the silence. You can do it. I believe in you.

Please listen to Hold on by Derek Hough

Day by day
Everyday
Is a battle
Is a battle
Loosing faith
A fight each day
For survival
For survival
She said
Will anybody even know
If I’m gone
I can’t take another night alone

And I said
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah

Looking back
With every breath
Feeling shattered
Shattered
You did your best
Got nothing left
Doesn’t matter
It matters
She said
Will anybody even know
If I’m gone
Cause I can’t take another night like this alone

And I said
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
When you’re falling down
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
Oooh yeah

When everything comes crashing down
You know
You know
It’s harder when your lies come out
You know
You know that
You can
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me

When you’re falling down
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on to me
Yeah
Hold on
Hold on to me
Oooh
Hold on
Hold on to me

Madness. Then Calm.

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I understand the writers madness
It spirals within my very bones
A tall towering tumbling
My mental state is troubling
I’m only human
I push against The force that wants to destroy me
I use the power of pen
Mightier than the sword
I know it is.
Writer’s madness
It is a part of my heart
It can be joyous
I have experienced the flutter of ecstasy
Right now though, it is most unpleasant
Torture chambers bind my mind
I hack away at the ropes, they regrow
I will continue to battle,
no matter how dark the sky
How deep the water
How cold the room
I will be victorious in finding peace
Even if hell precedes it
I will find my beautiful piece of Heaven
Right here on Earth
And I will tie myself
With a magical ribbon
I will be bound to a better life
Lavender ribbon of calm

Turning Pages

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Stacks and stacks of fantastic books

Are laying everywhere you look

I simply cannot get enough

Choosing which one to read is tough

Books take me by the hand

Transport me to a magical land

It’s all in the book in joy and in rage

I cannot stop reading

I must turn the page

All types of books pour out of my room

They spill all over the house and they make my mind bloom

Bloom with thoughts and ideas

With emotion and feeling

Sometimes the books send me reeling

But no matter what

No ands, ifs, or buts,

As soon as I have time and I’m prepared

I cannot wait to touch the pages

To be taken to a place

Where there’s a look of awe upon my face