When the allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Al Moore, and Charlie Rose (to name the four recent men) came out in the news, it shocked me to my core and make me openly weep as the news continued to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed “why” so loudly but could barely speak. It frightened the people at home, but I was in so much horrible emotional pain so bad that my soul was on fire and my heart was drowning in agony. Up until this time Kevin Spacey was my favorite actor, and I was trying to finish season 5 of house of cards. Charlie Rose was a journalist I greatly admired. Harvey Weinstein created my favorite show: Project Runway. I haven’t heard of Al Moore but the notion of him running for a Senator representing our country is so wrong it makes me want to vomit.
Now besides punishment I strongly believe we have to first address and speak about the crime: rape and sexual harassment against women. The flood gates for victims to come forward have opened but that does not change what happened. Perhaps being able to speak about it helps ease the burden but I cannot imagine what that kind of experience does to a woman’s mind, spirit, and heart. My heart is completely broken and it didn’t happen to me. But it happened to millions of woman and continues to happen. Our president has bragged about groping women by saying “I say grab them by the *****” and was still elected despite his vile comments to multiple women including journalists and even attacking wives of fellow candidates. It makes me sick. Physically sick to think he is our president. The hunting grounds explored sexual assault on College campuses and I wouldn’t watch it because I was afraid. Now I’m disgusted with myself for not facing the truth in our society- sexual misconduct, violence, rape, and mistreatment of women is an epidemic that needs treatment.
Kevin Spacey was my favorite actor. Was. The movie Baby Driver was my favorite of the summer. But instead of thinking what I’m losing which is some movies and TV shows, thinking about what his victims lost is far more painful. I openly sob because I don’t know how to make this horrific action stop. I cannot stop it alone. We have to address the behavior causing agony to millions. And we must stop saying what they said in the case of Charlie Rose “that was Charlie being Charlie” is a direct quote. How can we say boys will be boys? So are we normalizing very despicable behavior? Yes, and THAT needs to stop. IT NEEDS TO STOP! STOP SAYING BOYS WILL BE BOYS!
When I lived in an apartment in the city I recall not feeling well and running to the store to buy milk to make my beloved coffee. The whole time I was alone until stepping back into my apartment, I was afraid of someone male attacking me since I was a young woman alone in the evening. That’s how bad it’s gotten in our society and in every society. It’s to a point where I am scared to buy milk. Isn’t that depressing? Isn’t that despicable?
Let’s not get away from the main point here, that sexual assault and harassment happens all the time and is actually very under-reported because women are scared to come forward. I was scared too.
I have never told anyone my story but I want to share it now to help others.
When I said it didn’t happen to me, I wasn’t being honest because I’ve never told a soul. Here goes:
We were all coming in from gym class my freshman year of high school. I was the fastest runner of the girls so I was fair ahead with the boys running inside to change before the bell rang. I turned around to see if I could see any of the my friends that were girls and that’s when he stopped running and grabbed me. He grabbed me and he tugged at me. The front of my uniform was so thin that the feeling was so horrific that I nearly passed out from shock. What I remember is him laughing and then running away. His friends laughed too. That laughter is still in my nightmares 15 years later. I ran so fast I beat everyone to the doors (we were playing softball and coming inside to change) and I blocked out the entire event. Never told a soul.
I’ve had my butt grabbed twice by men in public, once at a party and once at a bar. At the bar I didn’t speak out but at the party I screamed at that man, and I told everyone what he had done. Thinking about all this makes me come undone because I’ve always been afraid of intimate moments since that day when I was grabbed without wanting it. I didn’t want it.
There needs to be an outcry for change to stop this atrocity from continuing. Education is part of the answer. Normalization of the behavior just flat out needs to stop. I want to say to every victim that you are not alone and that you are a wonderful woman with value and people that love you. To Kevin Spacey and all the other men I named, those I didn’t, and to our president – you are absolutely vile, repulsive, and should be deeply ashamed of yourselves. It’s unacceptable, and it’s going to have to be stopped because the affects are devastating. I urge everyone to think twice before and please consider your actions that can change and destroy another life, another heart forever.