Throwback Thursday: Something I found in a journal from a decade ago

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I was madly out of my mind with love… And after all the lazy days and being friends, after I walked around my final weeks as a senior year as an android. I was in SO much pain. I was numb. I cried myself to sleep. Food had no taste. I did not feel physical pain any more. I hammered my hands to a bloody pulp in crew one day before I noticed they were bleeding at all. It was an accident, I just remember seeing my hands and thinking what have I done? Then I felt surges of pain, my hands begging choking why? What is going to happen to me? Will I always be half a soul? I was DEAD inside. And for years I went over every detail like that would help. Like it would go back and erase everything if I just think really hard, close my eyes. I would strip off all my clothes. I would feel the cold swallow my naked body. Be naked. Fold those clothes nicely in a pile, take a hot bath, and when I got out every thing in the world would fix itself. I would dry off with a velvety soft purple towel, lotion my body, brush my now silky hair, put on my favorite comfy clothes and pretend nothing’s happened. It is toxic. It is the absolute worst kind of poison for your body. It will make you either strong or break you! It destroyed me. It corroded my brain. A wind storm blew the files of my brain and scattered them around. Razor blades tore up any belief or hope I had for love. Like being stoned to death. Or drinking bleach. Or falling off a cliff. I do not trust anyone. Anyone! I was a ghost in a beautiful world but I did not see any beauty. I saw ugly. I regret allowing myself falling into this pit of hurt and I could not climb out. Just kept digging and digging until I could not hear or see anything. Then I dug a little more. My private place. Any relationship I have, I do not know what to think when a guy says something. What does it mean? I see visions of Keith in my head. Visions. Spinning, dizzy visions. Penetrating my mind, burning a hole in reason. Playing like skipping CDs. Like broken blades of a blender spinning. It is as if I am watching a horror movie and I cannot close my eyes. I cannot beg for help. The guitar and the painting with me. The comfort of clanking tools. Now? If I ever see him again I feel wobbly the whole day. One time so far and let me just say no thank you. And cannot sleep, because I feel like I did something to deserve this. I didn’t, but I know that kind of pain where you want to be locked in a tower. An unforgiving tower. And burn it to the ground while still inside. Dark. Lonely. Frigid.  Like stabbing pains.  In my mind, it’s still a blur. Spinning. Screaming. Blurry. Foggy. Prick, Prick, Prick. Little Stabs. Prick, Prick, Prick, Prick.

And numb, it’s the Coldest

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It’s so cold here. In my being.

Hope is a stranger, a figure of the past,

Sadness is my cruel friend

Anxiety is my companion

I can count on both of them

Inside of me, it’s so cold

I shiver and I shatter as minutes turn to hours of being alone

Years and Years of loneliness made my soul grow cold

I wish the rain could wash over me and make me feel

feel warm, cold, pain

Feel something, anything at all.

Now there’s no sadness, no anxiety.

I’m even beyond misery

All that I have, all that I am is numb

And numb, it’s the coldest

 

Ice

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It swallowed me

Half of me hates all I am

Hates all that I have become

Who am I?

What happened?

I fell through the ice

Thinner

Until it cracked

I almost drowned

And then hypothermia came knocking

Now,

I just thread water

I just get by

I DON’T WANT TO JUST GET BY

It is only a matter of time before

I fall through the ice again

This time

I know

I’m ready

I won’t fall through

I will be just fine

Getting by

Then I will

Pick up

Move away

Shadow and now

A ghost later

New life

That means more than getting by

So much more

I emerge from the ice

Like a phoenix from the ashes

I am changed

Untitled

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The ship went down

Ask for no details

Everyone drowned

I know nothing I swear

Except that the captain was ripping out his hair

For it went down too fast for lifeboats

The crew barely grabbed their coats

Before the screams began

Quick escape plan

Not fast enough

The sea is rough

The ship went down

Ask for mercy

For the 80 souls perished

I’m Scared

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I’m scared of the dark

And who might be lurking there

I’m scared of going outside at night

And finding someone hiding there

I’m scared of storms

I’m scared of planes

I’m scared when hail

Comes down when it rains

I fear tomorrow

I fear today

I fear that I will waste away

From all this fear

 

I’m scared of running

Running so fast

That I’ll be at the

Edge of the Earth

And run right past

I wish that you’d come

To hold me at last

 

But I hope you

Don’t come to me

Because more than the

Planes or stalkers killing me

I’m afraid of your mind games,

Afraid of you hurting me

I fear this more than anything

 

My heart will never heal

With these feelings

I will always be left alone to deal

All I want is an explanation, a reason

Of why, why you’ve ripped my heart to shreds

And left me here to cry

The Abyss

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It’s when I finally think everything is fine

After I awake and I start my Wednesday…

I look up and realize something terrifying

Blackout, I blacked out from anxiety

Even though the sun barely had time to hit my eyes

Half an hour has passed like a minute

I want to take the hand that’s offered by my friend

And hold on so incredibly tight

I wonder about this next level anxiety

Falling into an actual abyss

I wonder if I’m being tested

So I furiously clean, clean, clean

Fear fainting again, fear the blackout, fear missing class

But mostly, I fear being swallowed up by the abyss

So I make a plan, make phone calls, I struggle to pray

And consider that there’s time I cannot account for

It’s too much to analyze

So I make some coffee

Maybe I can just wish it away…

 

Judge Me

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<revisting high school ponderings>

no matter
where you go where you are
people are judging you
your clothes
your make up
your hair
your purse
everything is being analyzed before
you even speak to the person
i noticed as i went to shake someone’s hand
i already judged them as a jock
because they were built and wearing Abercrombie
i thought was not so judgmental
but as the day wore on
i figured out even if I never said it
I was.

And that sucked.
Now when people JUDGE ME
I get mad but realize i was judging the person
next to them anyway

I’m trying to figure out
why we judge people
and why some things get in the
way of ever knowing someone