Ode to Crying

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This is an ode to crying, like in the blazing sun
In a world where
Emotions are a mask for
The true one

While sadness is
Hard to diagnose,
Even though you can feel it in your bones
Thanks crying for being an obvious red flag

That something’s wrong
Out of place
Lost for a while
Or perhaps lost in time or space

Crying, you show courage
Even though you are humiliated, mocked
Keep on crying
Give it all you’ve got
Bottle it up, and then explode
For when people
Go into a lasting shock

Thank you crying for your
Salty appeal
For the wounds
You rip open,
Close shut, and miraculously heal.

Everyone has unique cry
It is a part of them as shy as they could
About it
Weeping
Screeching
Sobbing
Bawling
Howling
Wailing
Vary from a quiet sob
To wailing eardrum crushing…

Crying is an art –
Painting a picture
For the dumb, oblivious,
And the smart
That she loved him from the start
Now she is mangled in knots,
Broken apart

He sees her breakdown,
Take that cell phone
Aqua razor
And break it to bits
Like hitting it with a tazer
But she just flung it against the wall
Creating a sound of breaking metal
And an expression on the fall
The fall on this face

It ends now he decides
They reside each alone
The sadness in her heart
Now presides in his too

That’s what crying can do,
Bring out the best or worse in you

Crying you’ve teamed up with shaking
And lost contact with privacy
I have a bruise the shape of a baseball
From shaking and crying,
I expect an apology from you

But weeping, crying
When I can’t stop
Starting to burst, pop
Then you’ve gone too far.
I know I have to paint the picture
But break eardrums to, sounds like someone
Just lacerated and murdered my soul.

That’s something we could work
On me and you
Less crying,
More laughing?

Brain on Fire

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Attacking me
Smacking me
Shaking me
Breaking me
Forsaking me
Harming me
Alarming me
Brain on Fire

Shattering me
Clattering me
Slashing me
Thrashing me
Tearing me
Scaring me
Brain on fire

Pounding the table
I am unable to stop
Until my hands are black and blue
Imploding me then
Exploring me
Screaming until my lungs shatter
In the end it doesn’t even matter
Brain on fire

I’m still so cold, so numb
I cannot feel the flames
Who is left to blame
I’ve been so sick for so long
I feel all hope for me is gone
So I erupt
My pain acute and abrupt
Flames of perpetual agony
Brain on Fire

I don’t know who I love anymore

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Is it you?
Is it him?
My feelings are so jumbled.
All I can do is mumble.
And my brain causes me to stumble.
And it’s absolutely true
That I don’t know if it’s you.
My father taught me to be honest
That what I always am
Because the lies hurt far worse
Then any truth can.
Because this feels like a curse.
I loved you first.
But now I love someone else.
You were my first love
From God above
You were so kind
I lost my mind
But now I don’t know what to do.
Do I love him or do I love you?
My heart is shattered
So does it even matter
Because can someone love me
With moods crashing like the sea?
But sometimes
When I put down my heavy head
And lie down in my dark cold bed
And I wonder what is all this worrying for if
I don’t know who I love anymore.

Confess

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I message you full of cheer because I want to make you smile
I think about you working too hard and I’m sad
I daydream about you walking through the windy city
I think about how long it’s been since we saw each other
I think about your mischievous smile
I recall your stunning eyes, no other eyes compare and
The way they used to look at me (maybe I imagined it)
The way you always protected me because you are a kind person
The way you always took me places and just talked to me
The way you could make me laugh and blush
The way you listened to me, it made my world so full of joy I could burst
The way you went through all my school books when we met
On that freezing cold day in the coffee shop
The way you answered all the quiz bowl questions, it was a breeze for you
The way you ordered me wine one time, and now that’s the only wine I drink
I think about how you took me to the soccer game even though you were sick
I think about how you took me to my school so I would know how to get there
I think about your perfectly pressed suits and your vividly colorful bow ties
I think about your Halloween costume and your brown leather brief case
I think about us sitting next to each other in American Lit years ago
And I wonder this :

Should I confess how when you walk into a room time stops and I can’t breath?
Should I confess how much I want to you to kiss me?
Should I confess how badly I want to be held in your arms?
Should I confess how when your eyes sparkle my heart sings?
Should I confess how I think you are my soul mate?

I must, I must but I can’t
I’m scared
I’m too scared of the outcome
So instead the circle continues
I message you full of cheer because I want to
I think about you working too hard and I’m sad
I daydream about you walking through the windy city
I think about how long it’s been since we saw each other…

Confess, I have to confess how I feel
Only then could our love be real

What these songs mean to me

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Hinder- Better than me (please listen to the entire song)
This song, I have memorized, listening to countless times. I can relate so much to the singer. I came upon it by accident, just like I came to find a new love for a certain individual. I actually do miss his hair in my face. We never went out, but I told myself to stop missing him. But since I lie to him everyday, like at the beginning “with all the lies that I made you believe” I love the melody of the song, it speaks to me, and the guitar at the beginning draws me in. When I feel lousy, awful, and rotten this song tells a realistic tale that I appreciate to hear. I love to imagine the “box of notes” “that time at the mall.” Hinder dishes out these sweet lyrics that break me heart, because I feel the reality behind them. Sadly, my self- esteem isn’t what it used to be and sometimes I think anyone could do better than me.

Sugar Cult – Pretty Girl
I put myself in the place of “pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything”
“She’s beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men” Like in the song, I am under this spell. Aware of evil men, but I am blinded by initial kindness. The beats of the song, the desperation in his voice, the distressing tone that sometimes can make me shed tears because the words are spun beautifully together. Hopefully I will “find out what his intentions were about.” It is a song about how a pretty girl must be strong on the inside, even though sometimes the pain cannot be helped. I think it is a good touch how some places his voice is soft and other times it is harsh, like the refrain of the song.

The Beatles – Yesterday
Changing gears a bit, comes The Beatles. I love their mellow tones and catchy, captivating lyrics. Sometimes I think we all long for yesterday. A blast from the past, to feel good a little longer, before the phantom of tomorrow takes it. Also how love is described as a game we all play. I love to sit on the couch and listen to Tonia play it on the piano while I sing it. This song although it is sad, brings happy memories forward for me. I like the instruments in the background as they add subtle appeal to the voices. I can fall asleep thinking about yesterday, it makes tomorrow less scary to look in the eye.

Reliant K – Be my Escape (Please listen to entire song)
This song makes all of my emotions stick out at one point. I came upon it by accident, suddenly entranced when a second ago I was nearly asleep. Sitting at the spot light so far away, I turned off my headset, letting go of communication with the other technicians to listen. Again I have it memorized and everyday coming home after a long day of crew, I love listening to the idea of having a special person that would be my escape from this world of pain, drama, and cruelty. I mean nothing bad would happen if I had that escape, because we’d be together and he’d protect me. The beginning “blending in so you won’t even know me” and the last few lines “I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was safe my own skin
Ohhh but so were you
So were you.” I think he is saying someone has to be the bigger person and both unfortunately are just trying to save themselves from hurt, unwilling to take that chance.

The Fray – Heaven Forbid
A horrid day. From the moment I woke up, something was wrong. Fighting with my mom is always a bad start to a day. In school, my expectations socially and academically are far too high. Getting yelled at for not being perfect, I grab my I-pod, and actually for the first time imagine – “heaven forbid I end up alone and don’t know why” Honestly, besides the lovely instrumentation I only listen to this song when I feel I have lost hope in not the world, not my friends, or family, but in me. This song says “take a breath, just take a seat. You’re falling apart and tearing at the seams” that is how I feel, tearing apart at the seams, starting to show to the world that hey! I can hurt too. I’m not bullet-proof emotionally by any stretch. “Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow you’ll be alright”

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars
When I hear this song, I melt into the floor in love. The video implies what the song intends. I love the idea of chasing cars around our heads. I love that fact that the phrase I love you is inadequate to this singer for I can see how it could be. The English language can be so lacking sometimes when it comes to these things so he asks, “would you lay with him and just forget the world”. That is the one you love. The one that stops time and the world for you and you go with him. This is actually my ring tone, one that is loud, one that is melodic and mushy, and one I adore. It makes me wish I could just freeze time or speed it up to fix what shattered in my life. This song is final though, it is a yes or no. There is no thinking about it for a few days. The singer wants to know and know now. I have learned from a teacher time heals, but not the time you choose. So this sappy idea of a picture perfect romance only convinces me on a good day.

StoneSour 17– Zzxyz Rd
(Actual band, actual song)
The song has some latent anger that I think I can relate to because he can only imagine it. It makes me think of poetry of writing because the piano makes me weep. The piano is a lament a release of pain and suffering. He is at wits end. I feel just like this man. Can’t sleep, thinking of the pile of broken promises and lies. The thought of life forgetting about you is so heartbreaking. He is lost truly lost. I feel like this sometimes. Then when the second acoustic part comes I picture someone close to me leaving. The imagines he picks are raw, blunt, and simply sad but he sings the truth, he wants to fade away. He wants to live but he doesn’t really know – at the end it seems like he is screaming bellowing about being tired, but having to go. I feel like that, like my mind wants a million things to happen at once. The guitar is a delicious little interlude there, but I wish his voice was more soothing. Or perhaps harsh, rhythmic tones are what he needs to get across.

Landon Pigg – Can’t let go
This is a laid back mellow tune. Some others I chose are harsh, desperate, or empty inside while this one is just a balanced scale of music with lyrics. An honest man, saying he simply can’t let go. Men should be honest like him! “It’s not that our love died, it just never bloomed. Can’t move on from the past” I almost think the melody should be frustrated or anger with this anger tone, but he seems kind of happy be him one-sided love, simply repeating that he can’t let go, and without lifting a finger she is holding him back, I like that idea of being kind of under this spell.

Josh Groban – Now or Never
A splinter in the light, it’s been hiding there inside for all this time- this melody is a song you can’t turn off. It puts an intoxicating spell, the urgency in his voice, the piano background. -No one’s fault no black or white, only you and me on this endless night- This song could very easily be worked into to a poem the blare of his voice is so inviting to me. He has a song powerful voice that he doesn’t need to commercialize his products; his fame and fans love his voice the most. Not trying to sell an image, he catches my heart and attention and never lets go. On my I-pod, I will play him after a stressful day of crew and school and everyone in the car thinks my smiling that the lyrics is a little weird, but I can’t help imagine his words, crystallize them into reality.

The Killers – Glamorous Indie rock and roll
This song takes me to a difference Era and a different place. “It’s in his soul it’s what I need, indie rock and roll, it’s time…
Two of us, flippin through a thrift store magazine, she plays the drums I’m on tambourine, bet your bottom dollar on me” this song makes me feel reckless and impulsive, spontaneous and urgent. I feel anger that I can tunnel into energy – like shattering glass, something final like that. “Let’s cause a scene, like lovers do on silver screens” That is the spur of the moment I feel, like declaring love or visiting an exotic country. “Making up breaking up what do you care?” This vocal combined with the eclectic instrumentation makes me and this sing complete.

Frank Sinatra – Unforgettable
Lavish gifts. Expensive houses and cars. Cell phones, laptops, I-pod, Plasma screen TVs. Designer label clothes and dining at five star restaurants. Exclusive buildings, after school activities, parties. All of these things are a part of the life I know. Wants and needs clash and become the same. There no longer becomes a dividing line between life’s needs and frivolous odds and ends, like a daily Starbucks fix. This song makes me feel for once, not guilty of what I have, when so many have so little. But is it all worth anything, if I am unhappy? Some many have less but really much more. They have love, a person that takes them for who they are, cares about them unconditionally, loves and protects them, and balances them. Loneliness is a window of myself that people rarely see, and I like this song because it gives hope that someday, to someone I will be this exquisite unforgettable woman that is being depicted. “Someday… how the thought of you does things to me… forevermore that’s how you’ll stay… my mind’s eye takes the piano and creates a moonlit waltz in my future.” Only Frank Sinatra can create an entire evening from a simple song.