…And your Love is what Lingers…

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I feel horrific and sudden pain

Shooting daggers throughout my brain

It feels as if I am absolutely insane

Except I know that I am not

So I spot my headphones

And I put them on quickly

I scroll through my music swiftly

The daggers stab me over and over again

I don’t know when

When will it end

I’ve had this condition for so long

So because nothing helps I turn on a song

And when the piano and cello starts

I immediately fall apart more

Because it’s too beautiful

So I search again for a tune

To calm me down as I stare at the disappearing moon

I find something that will soothe me

And I listen to it quietly

It relaxes my wild mind

And calms my shaken nerves

Something I think I deserve

16 years of fighting to feel not sick

If I had the magic potion to cure me

I’d drink it up quick

Instead I cope, I deal

Sometimes I wonder if any of it’s real

Then I remember that soon today

My love and I will be together and I say

Everything will be okay

Because despite the illness that rages in my mind

Despite the doctors

Despite the medication

Despite side effects

Despite indifference

Despite sweating all night

Despite the anxiety, the fear

Despite the feeling utterly lost sometimes

Despite it all

When you stroke my hand slowly with you soft finger

When you tell me sweet things and smile at me, demonstrating in many ways how much you care

When you tell me “I choose you”

When you kiss me and my heart melts

All the pain goes away

And your love is what lingers

And as long as I’m with you

Which hopefully is forever

We can forget our suffering

Our different but similar pain

And remember that

Love cures all wounds

And I feel that so deeply in my heart

Whenever you are next to me

That’s where you belong

And I hope

That’s always where you’ll be

Dreams. They Never Retire.

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Dreams. Some of us have them. Some of us do not. Sometimes. All the time. Somewhere and everywhere. There are sometimes built over time with posters in bed rooms, movies running in our minds, and hope in our hearts. As with some movies, these can take unexpected and sometimes unfortunate turns. Because sometimes we get sick. We forfeit the championship game before the try-outs even start. We hang up our soccer shoes and remember things like the nick names we got while we attempted to fulfill them. Bruiser was my nickname and a part of my dream. Soccer was my sport, defense was my position. Then after eighth grade I got sick, and sophomore year called for no more P.E. period for me. Funny how some dreams bring other ones into light. The dream to create. Write. Compose. To be part of something bigger than yourself. To change views. How to be humble. My junior year I stepped into this new world and new dreams were pressed on fast forward. Dreams. You never really forget your dreams. To be a writer, runner, and Lover. They stay with you as you complete your morning jog, your bacon cheese burger, your chores, your romantic dinner, your fight with your roommate. As much as you try to alienate yourself from them. They call to you. To be social was another dream I never fully held on to but my bubbly personality came through and I have wonderful friends. Love, it seemed to always be slipping from my grasp when finally it seemed it had never existed. Perhaps this is the year. Now on the in-betweens, I’m trying to envision new dreams. Not to replace old ones. To be a smile now. You see funny thing about dreams. They never retire.

Feelings Flying through my Flesh

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Feelings Flying through my Flesh
I cannot comprehend
These feelings that have amassed in my mind
They are so horribly, shockingly strong
I literally cannot breathe another breath
They, thoughts, tug mercilessly at my collar and choke me
Suddenly, without warning, they let go!
There is a calm stirring
But the feelings of worry are growing louder
So I lie down on the pale blue carpet
Flat, dark room, relaxed
I set a 15 minute alarm
Then I go away in my mind until I am almost asleep
When I get up I feel so incredibly alive
I can breath
My shirt collar has let go, a great release
The fresh air flows so much that I’m drunk with air
Praise the Heavens
I am calm
And thinking only I can make this right.

When the Soul Cries

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It’s is the body really omitting all the tears, at first

It’s shaking violently, sobbing

It’s a deep puncturing cry that the soul feels and reacts to

The soul squirms at first, it cannot handle the pain the body feels.

The soul in its wisdom tries to comfort the body, doing everything it can to relax the body, stop the agony.

It calms it strokes the body trying to make the pain flow away.

It does not always work and chaos ensues.

So the soul begins to cry along lacking in its comfort, causing the cry

To be an entire other level of pain, hurt, despondence.

The pain becomes unbearable as the body and soul are both under attack at the same moment.

It’s upsetting and when it finally ends

The soul now has a deep mark

One that over time heals, sometimes…

Hurricane Brain

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It hasn’t really been this bad
I’m beyond sad
I’m numb as they come
So many things going wrong
I’m trying to be strong
I got a message yesterday
That caused agony
My stomach is sick
The cause unknown
Trying to fix something I broke
Before it’s too late
Right now
It’s twirling
It’s swirling
It’s swelling
I can’t bare the pain
Of my
Hurricane Brain

Desire’s got a reckless hold on me

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Dripping of desire

Desire of so much more

Desire of my own life

Desire of a great job

Desire of true love and lust

Desire of perspiring until I lose the weight

Desire of the 10k race

Desire off all my goals

One day at a time

Desire

Dripping desire

Of reckless hope

Reckless hold on me

Desire’s got a reckless hold on me

Ice, then – Metamorphosis

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It swallowed me
Half of me hates all I am
Hates all that I have become
Who am I?
What happened?
I fell through the ice
Thinner
Until it cracked
I almost drowned
And then hypothermia came knocking
Now,
I just thread water
I just get by
I DON’T WANT TO JUST GET BY
It is only a matter of time before
I fall through the ice again
This time
I know
I’m ready
I won’t fall through
I will be just fine
Getting by
Then I will
Pick up
Move away
Shadow and now
A ghost later
New life
That means more than getting by
So much more
I emerge from the ice
Like a phoenix from the ashes
I am changed

A new success, a new hope is near

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In April I became a college graduate

It was truly a challenge

But I never once quit

No matter the challenge I never gave up

Of course there were times where I had enough

And sometimes I wouldn’t even know why

I would shut down, break down and cry

But all the fears

From all those years

Melted away

As I made my way

Across the stage

And as I grabbed my diploma

I turned the page

Wild success

I wore my new dress

Because I have backed down

I knew that with my illness

There was a greater fight

I worked tirelessly every day and every night

I kept a schedule and I slept

I achieved my goal of my greatness goal which was a degree

Now the job struggle is real

Sometimes I think I cannot deal

But I recall all the things I did to get here

And I now a new success, a new hope is near

If I work hard, prayer harder, and think smarter

I will have a new chapter appear

I didn’t work so hard just to quit

I am a woman of sharp wit

So I will buckle down and no matter what happens now

I vow that I will

Keep on going and more still

When I fail and fall I will get back up

Dust myself off, ice the bruises

Because Maria Pondo never loses

While fighting the good fight

And while doing that my heart will ignite!