Abandonment

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A fate worse then death
Full out abandonment
If my plans weren’t so big
If my anticipation
And jubilation
Didn’t transcend complete
Hope
One person tried but
As no man or woman is an island
It fell on deaf ears
They can’t accept me
The girl who loves to climb trees
Be wild and is sometimes hard to please
I hide everything behind a mask
A mask that shows the happiness
That is animated
The real, raw, uncut me
Sits atop a chestnut tree
And realizes
They should take the good with the bad.
People in glass houses
Shouldn’t throw a single stone
Or create and animate
A fate worse then death
A dejected, distant, shattered, sad Maria
Alone
A fate no one can condone
Only condemn
But being broken
Doesn’t mean I dissolve away
I just go back to crew
With all this knowledge thinking
Who knew phrases all day
Who knew people can be so cruel
And create a fate worse the death for a girl
Who just wanted to twirl her way to a happy ending
One that I look for in vain
It does not exist
Merely a mist of calamity
Mixed with reality
And a fate worse then bereavement
The unfortunate beginning of eternal gloom – abandonment

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Torn an ugly hole in my soul, why did you?

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I wish I never came here
The irony – I was invited, hand picked for this purgatory I burned in
The smell of sawdust still haunts me
You, the teasing and the whispers
The names you called me when I was not around
A stab in an old wound hurts worse
I came back every single day
A life you could not kill
Air, full of life, Stupid so stupid
I, a fool, came to build sets and befriend you
You tore an ugly hole in my soul
I cried a small river
Not realizing that everyone was my enemy
The same
No one ever once
Stood up and sat that’s enough
You just left me with all the work
While you basked in the glow of the top positions
I was an abused, malnourished, kicked puppy
Who never left the theater that was my beloved
I cut the wood, I measured, I swept, I sorted, and I carried the 16 foot ladder
On my own. I painted. I took apart the stage pieces.
Why did you have to be so evil to only me?
Why was only I the subject of your cruel and usual punishment?
Why did you have to set my life on fire?
Was not my being your slave enough?

Rough patch?

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It’s been nine months
Since I wanted across the graduation stage
I thought I turned the page
But instead
I bow my head
And I am dejected
I am despair
I am that far off sobbing over there
I am self pity and I am tired
I no longer feel inspired
All those lifestyles I admired
It’s exhausting
Tiring
And haunting
To feel like you have no purpose
I get up, I shower, make coffee
Make my bed, read, watch tv, work out
Clean up, cook
But it’s all going through the motion
If you really take a long
Everyone’s calling it a rough patch
I hope for sanity’s sake
They are right this once
And I am wrong
Because lately it’s been really hard to be strong
Rough Patch?
Let’s hope

Heavy

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Problems, pains, fears,
Prick, Prick, Prick
Stab, Stab, Stab
Smolder, Smolder, Smolder,
Smash, Crash, wild dash
They are just stacking up
Stacking up so high
Higher and Higher
Until they collapse onto me
Swallowing me up
They stack up so high
They blind me
They bind me
I’m left
Covered in
Problems, pains, fears.
Wondering
Why is it here at all
And why is everything so heavy?

Broken

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Bloody knuckles

Broken dreams

Tears stream

I scream

But no one can hear

Not one can lend an ear

My watch smashes and breaks

How much will it take

Before I smash too?

Before it’s much more than

Bleeding knuckles

Broken dreams

When will I be okay

When will anybody love me

When will the hate stop

When will I see the top

When?

Until then

It’s bleeding knuckles

Broken dreams