Unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight…

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I explain to myself so many times
I won’t miss you anymore
Gotta let go sometime
But since I told myself some many times
And specifically, I wouldn’t miss you
All I have wanted to do since that time
Is kiss you…
When I told myself 1000 times before
I won’t miss you.

I thought telling myself so many times
This one white lie was acceptable, then became smudged with tears
Because trying to not miss you anymore
Is like giving up food or breathing!
I lost count how many lies I told myself.
But now an aged snapshot
Brings the tears blowing back.
That most painful day
Wearing a dress and mask but no one knows
What’s behind it, not even me.
When I told myself an infinite amount of times
I simply won’t miss you
I will dismiss you from my life,

Instead this year,
I told myself so many times to avoid
For that will lead to forgetting you entirely;
You can’t miss someone you don’t remember
But this too was in vain
There are no short cuts, no way to invent a cure for one-sided love.
For telling myself so many times
I won’t miss you was a colossal lie.
Missing you I’ve run my tears dry.
Friendship is maintainable.
But love not attainable
Because I said I won’t miss you

I did.
Someone else received your devotion
She gets all the things
I imagined.
Because in trying not to miss your presence
I missed your courtship.
Perhaps the biggest mistake in my life was never telling
You that I simply cannot go a day without thinking about
How amazing we could be.
Instead unfinished sketches of tomorrow sit at my desk tonight.
Of the things I thought of you and the things you think of me
All because I tried to fog you out.
I fell even more deeply in
Now, I think I’ll try being around you without
Giving it all away,
Besides if you loved me
You would have done something about it
Somewhere along the way.
I will still always have a place for you, for missing you
For how even though you tear my life neatly apart,
Your existence is embedded somewhere deep in my heart.

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The opposite of another you

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Another you to hug
Another you to hold
Another you to laugh with
Another you to listen to me
Another you to care
Another you to understand
Another you to watch movies
Another you to eat dinner
Another you to peruse bookstores with
Another you to miss
No
I don’t want another you
You left me
You abandoned us
You didn’t care one bit
You went your own way without a second thought
You left me to stare
You left me cold
You left so bold
You hurt me so much
I shivered at the idea of seeing you
I want someone to truly care
I want someone who won’t just leave
I want someone to love
I want someone to kiss
I want someone I will miss
I want someone to be there
I want someone to stay when things are hard
I want someone through think and thin
So really,
I want literally the opposite
Of another you

Rough patch?

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It’s been nine months
Since I wanted across the graduation stage
I thought I turned the page
But instead
I bow my head
And I am dejected
I am despair
I am that far off sobbing over there
I am self pity and I am tired
I no longer feel inspired
All those lifestyles I admired
It’s exhausting
Tiring
And haunting
To feel like you have no purpose
I get up, I shower, make coffee
Make my bed, read, watch tv, work out
Clean up, cook
But it’s all going through the motion
If you really take a long
Everyone’s calling it a rough patch
I hope for sanity’s sake
They are right this once
And I am wrong
Because lately it’s been really hard to be strong
Rough Patch?
Let’s hope

Fall Apart

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I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart
When someone ingests and pukes out your heart
I wish I had known from the start
I would have never allowed that,
If only instead of stupid I had actually been smart
I want to cry and the time, I guess
For so long it has been beyond sublime
But that joy I had was just jumping the gun
For I no longer have any fun
The tears they run
Run really fast down my face
I’m spinning through time through space
The beautiful colors I once used to see
Are warped distorted and ugly
The reds and blacks stream together
Like a car crash in rainy weather
The blood and the dark
Blend with the rainy blurs and make their mark
Everything I think of, everything I want
Is just a taunt
Because I can’t allow myself happiness now
I’ve created my own fatal flaw, how?
I’ve stepped in the trap, lonely and confused
Mad, sad, angry, dismal, and used
I’m stuck staring at the car crash that is my life
I guess this is what it’s like when things fall apart

What really breaks me

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Watching the Pianist
An inevitable fate escaped
For the composer anyway
Seeing the look on a battered girl’s face
Makes it hard to swallow
Infidelity to your significant other
The act of mass murder, those planes smashing building, flying with deathly force
Breaks my thoughts, how could someone do that
More importantly how can you live with yourself
Some little kid finding out
There is no Santa Claus
Hate Crimes
People who hate themselves
Realizing that the people who
You thought cared
Don’t even know you, not really
When something beautiful or someone
Shatters
When a girl can’t have a first dance
At her wedding with her dad
Because she doesn’t have one
When two people destined for each other
Die one of them dies
When a “friend” stabs me in the back
And wants to be “friends”
When people don’t have the guts to apologize
When a baby cries because it was born addicted
No choice in the matter
Or when a baby is aborted
When someone torments animals
When the media showcases something
But the real meaning is lost
When someone gets away with murder
Disrespecting the elderly
Purposely embarrassing someone or hurting
Their feelings with cruel pranks/jokes
When people are led on
All these things break me
But number one
Is how you glance at me
How you joke around with me Hug me and advise me
Inside everything is so completely traumatized from what you’ve done
The hardest part is learning to be lonely so everyone thinks your fine
Really metaphorically your soul is drunk with the wine WE were to share
That’s what really breaks me, more then a national disaster it’s YOU
You batter my emotions with memories and photos that burn my insides
I can’t feel happiness anymore it’s all cold, a mass of the broken pieces glued together
Expertly by me but with a tiny ice pick you
With that smile, messy hair- break it all over again…

High School Musings

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Teenagers and stereotypes – the jocks
The ones that don’t belong anywhere
Miss popularity
The one who grows up to be successful
The modest
The arrogant
The clichés
The drama
The sad ends, tragedies even though the show must go
The humor in between
The different destinations = graduation, college, or something else
People want to get off
People want to stay on
The blizzard of time that make us have no choice
But to get used to one another
Some people who you hate lividly and those you detest for no particular reason
Those you would assume the bad guys
The cool guys
The average ones
And the rare gems in between
The fussy teachers, the ones you admire
The homework you acquire
Cheerleaders
Finals
The End
And the Beginning

Star crossed lovers

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There is no harm in star crossed lovers

Their story must be told

There is no harm in them

Because they are so bold

Their bravery and courage

And fierce hope instead

Of fear and despair

They minds haven’t been read

Because they trust each other

You cannot never tear them apart

Because these star crossed lovers

Well they share one heart