Is it just Me?

Is it just me?

My new favorite song

I don’t agree

But the melody is sweet

Got me tapping my feet

To the Beat

It has a swear

I don’t really care

I agree that politicians are

Annoying

Am I high or am I right?

It’s like she sings

From inside her soul

Wild abundance of feeling whole

Sweet seductive lyrics

Again I don’t relate to all her lyrics

But man oh man

These lyrics are sick

Like a mad skateboarding trick

The music notes float

I don’t want to gloat

But wow

I should probably bite my tongue

Suffocating Sweet Tongue

With Jagged Lyrics

Sharp Edges

Leaving me right on the edge

Of madness or my imagination

Which is it?

I know

You guess

We’ll melt together

Because rich kids have it easy

Like the song says

We aren’t rich kids

But

We have rich Souls

=)

Spawn of Satan

I sit uneasy  

I stand tall

I pull and press the cold torment in my hand

My dirty jean apron is tied

My cloudy red bucket nearby

The music in the distance is the only soothing thing

With the gray clay

I fixate my mind on a small perfect vase

And for a moment in space

It exists

I glace over at my tools

At my damp pick and my filthy needle

My hands bone dry

I make three coils

They are stacked on the wheel

Oh Coils I hate the false joy you bring

It makes my heart sing

A lovely but misleading tune

Makes me look like a loon

So I work work work

Faster, concentrate

I combine you into one piece

Low and behold like rotting mold

On my toast

Revolting

You infuriate me

I plot ways to clash swords with you and win

Yet outwards travels the clay

Like a Mayan Temple

You, coils torture like a bully

You get inside my mind

You mess with calm

And create the perfect storm for madness

Maybe I stabbed my hand with the chisel

But so many failures of the toll of the coil

The toil of making circles makes me

Dizzy and you collapse my senses

Like a bully

You always reemerge

More hurtful

I stack and combine three more

It is woman verses nature

Maria against the coil

I will spin you around and make you puke

But again I have to start again

With what strength I have left

I stand up

I sadly but angrily crumple and thrust

You into the bin

Evil coil

You make my blood boil

You make me bleed my own blood

I have nothing to show for all these hours

Except your victory

And some blood

I curse the day you were born

Circles represent forever,

Perpetually they go on

So Forever I wage battle

Guerrilla Warfare

My fist smack and the table rattle

Until I collapse

Or you melt

Spawn of Satan

Floating…

I am floating, floating far away

To where I am going I can’t really say

I’m floating swiftly in the blink of an eye

I floating away, please bid me goodbye

It’s fast and far that’s where I will go

No sense in even looking, you’ll never know

I will fly to a place entirely of my own

A place where I can weep secretly, alone

I’ll use my face to hide the pain

Even though my eyes are stained

I’ll pick up a shell off the beach so far away

Only a few minutes more,

Because longer I can’t possibly stay

And somehow in some strange way

The shell reminds me of you today

It is my greatest bliss and my worst foe

Hurriedly I will pack up and go

I’ll go back to where I came

Although it will never be the same

It’s silly to look for someone to blame

In my adventure I will see

A brief glimpse of what it’s like to be happy

Then the beach waves will rush in

Crush my hopes, recall only your sin

And my ignorance to think you actually cared

Thinking our friendship was existent and strong

Thinking of what it was that I did wrong

Knowing my guard will never be down again

With the entire world entire race of men

I’ll pick up the seashell and as I do

Instead I’ll simply despair realizing one thing is true

I will never love another the way I loved you

I will be half a heart until

I find another guy who makes it stand still

Writer’s Madness

I understand the writers madness

It spirals within my very bones

A tall towering tumbling

My mental state is troubling

I’m only human

I push against The force that wants to destroy me

I use the power of pen

Mightier than the sword

I know it is.

Writer’s madness

It is a part of my heart

It can be joyous

I have experienced the flutter of ecstasy

Right now though, it is most unpleasant

Torture chambers bind my mind

I hack away at the ropes, they regrow

I will continue to battle,

 no matter how dark the sky

How deep the water

How cold the room

I will be victorious in finding peace

Even if hell precedes it

I will find my beautiful piece of Heaven

Right here on Earth

And I will tie myself

With a magical ribbon

I will be bound to a better life

Lavender ribbon of calm

A burden of broken roses and shredded dreams…

                  

I want to be noticed

I want to be seen

I want to be loved by all

Who are keen

On my life

And my persona

I want to be popular,

Not pompous

I want to mend old friendships

And grow new ones

Instead –

I am the bud of every joke

I play along, inside I choke

My inner self is taking

All the bull shit

While my heart is adding

An extra large wound with salt for good measure

I am mocked for my brain

Now I’m using it to complain

Being smart is wonderful right?

So why do I stare at that girl

The one in the mirror

Firsts clenched tight

Realizing that I can’t be that girl anymore

The old, timid, passive, sad Maria is gone.

This is the new me.

What I am and what I want

Are two things so far apart –

Can I at least be exquisite

And a beauty at first glance?

I want to dream deep

And see those dreams

Fly with silver-blue ribbons on their wings

I want to discover

The mystery  in life, uncover forbidden love.

To accept myself for whom I am-

Sometimes neurotic  but a great listener

And a phenomenal  friend

A talented writer and musical

Sitting here wishin’ on tomorrow-  a burden of broken roses and shredded dreams…

The Fountain not the Drain

Dirty Secret

Ode to My Dad

Ode to my dad

Ode to a gentle man

Who never raises his voice

Ode to man who works so hard by choice

To working from 5:45am – 6:30pm including your long drive

To put food on the table

So we would not merely survive but thrive

Ode to walks to the park

But when it got dark

I would get scared

You would be prepared

With a Polish Fable

Ode to teaching me your native language

To your great patience

To watching football with you

To working out next to you

I know one thing is true

You were the first man

That really loved me

And with glee I see

How much you care for our family

Your love for books

Permeated my soul

Your love for history

Was a brilliant role

A role of educator you took on not knowing

Where all that knowledge I could be going

To marvelous places dad, because of you

Your love of spending time with us

It means everything to me

I think my entire family would agree

That you love us all so very much

That together we appreciate every moment

As I grow older, I recognize

You were the over protective father

And honestly, I love you for it

Because you see

It made me me

From my religious journey to becoming strong in my faith

From shopping for homecoming shoes

From my first heartbreak

From my first day of college

You were there dad

You worked so hard but you never said no

When I had somewhere I needed to go

Now as an adult,

I recognize your great sacrifice

So as a family we’d all have a beautiful life

You shielded us from strife

You never complain

You enrich my brain

On quiet Sunday mornings, while everyone’s asleep

In their rooms and dreaming deep

We sit together and journey deep into our books

I take a very good look

So I’ll always remember

The truth to be had:

Some folks don’t believe in heroes

But they haven’t met my dad

Embarking

When I joined organic gardening group, I didn’t know what to expect. I did expect a wonderful fun and educational time because Adam Levin one of the amazing PSR facilitators runs the group. Imagine my dismay when I saw the “garden” was a mostly monstrous group of weeds that were approaching 8-10 feet. Due to the pandemic the garden could not be tended to with the tender loving care that it needs. However my dismay turned into delight after our diligent group began shucking away at the layers of weeds and even a tree that had risen. Over the coming weeks we as a team under the leadership of Adam really embraced nature and our green thumbs. Together we got the beds ready to plant! I went through the entire bag of seeds and separated what could be a cool weather crop (planted in colder weather) verses what would have to wait for next season. I planted spinach, lettuce 🥬, Swiss chard and a cover crop which is a special seed that protects the bed from weeds and strengthens the soil. Adam was adamant (see what I did there) that we apply a liberal amount of seed. We had some very scorching days and some very pleasant days mixed in, but everything came together and everyone contributed with their particular unique talent.

Discovering My Deep Desire to Learn While Uncovering Unbelievable Joy: Friday at the Driving Range with Adam – A Life Changing Day

Years ago, a man I briefly dated promised to take me golfing 🏌️‍♀️ at his country club. I was infatuated with him, he reminded me of Jay Gatsby, (my favorite book) and I believed his promise. He was an attractive and smart but somewhat troubled person, and I felt like I could relate to him. That promise never came true. He turned out to be not such a good person and as a result I decided- I will never golf. A silly grudge based off a broken promise. Well fast forward 11 years. I’m in community meeting and Adam casually says “who wants to hit some golf balls?” My brain and heart both sync up in that moment and I can barely contain myself. I refocus on groups with butterflies 🦋 in my stomach thinking, am I really going to do this? Finally, after all this time?

At 1:00pm on a beautiful sunny summer day, after an hour of relaxing between groups, Adam emerges with a beautiful set of clubs, and my smile can be seen behind my mask with my eyes saying everything with no words needed. How rare.

Driving there something wonderful happened- my mind drew a calm blank. It was soothing and listening to pop music about sushi at a restaurant really set the tone. We get out of the car, and I realize I’m wearing a dress and crocs but I’m unfazed. The other group members take off for mini golf ⛳️ and Adam, myself, and one other member head to the driving range. We look for two next to each other and finally get numbers 14 and 15. I think of one of my favorite songs 15 by Taylor Swift, and I believe it’s a good omen. I stand there and Adam puts in the code to the machine and things get a little cattywampus as all the golf balls began spilling and gushing out all at once instead of one at a time. So much for my good omen, right? A worker came and reset the machine saying “I gave you an extra game.” Adam and I exchanged a big smile that I think meant sweet! I was right about my omen after all. Thanks Taylor!

Then it begins. Adam takes out a few clubs for me and the other client and a real official, yet down to earth patient lesson starts. Adam first asks if we ever hit a baseball before, and I say does soft ball count and he says yes. He then demonstrates with flair how to hit, follow through, and many other golf skills that I am eager to learn. Adam explains how to hold the club and I mean he really goes into detail about the position in your hand and how it should be like holding a bird (not the death grip I was doing).

I watch Adam hit the first ball, and there was something so free about that. Having never been up close to golfing before, I never really understood how much I would enjoy it and how it would make me feel. I step up in my dress and crocs that Adam says are perfect because Adam radiates kindness like sunshine. I take note 📝 of Adam’s advice, and I concentrate. In that moment in time, it’s me and the golf ball. Everything else in my mind dissolved, and I was ready for this dream to come true. All the troubles of my life melted away into the sunshine, and I was ready. I hold my hands out straight giving myself the control I need. There was a moment that day that I wish I could bottle up and have forever. Adam was on 14 and I was on my Taylor Swift 15 and pow 💥 we both smacked the balls and they went up into the air, and I couldn’t resist but to yell with joy. Adam says how high did it go? I yelped both of them went up the same height. That moment in time nothing else mattered to me but spending this time golfing with Adam. The bad blood tests – forgotten. The daily drama – pushed aside. My daily struggles- completely erased for those hours. It was a complete out of body experience except I felt in my body. I was able to feel utter joy. My mind that is often full of chaos was replaced with calm. We continued to hit the balls, and Adam was a rockstar but not a show off.

I asked how long he had been playing golf and he said this was what he did with his dad. It was a very sweet thing to know that Adam could pass this knowledge onto me, not having my own father anymore to do so. Hitting the balls, trying different clubs, every time I hit the ball, I felt a rush of blood to my head. It was exhilarating. I talked to Adam about my health teacher in 8th grade accidentally hitting someone on a date with a club. They are married over 30 years now. We joked and laughed, and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt carefree in that way. My point in this story is to really try to capture a slice of life a glimpse into that day. Drinking my cold water, I began to reflect upon what had transpired. It was one of the best, calming, thrilling, and joyful experiences I have had in my life. I owe that to Adam- for his great willingness to teach, his great patience so you don’t have to worry about making a mistake and getting into trouble, and just having fun. I saw once more why Adam is so beloved at Turning Point. I saw his fatherly instincts. Adam doesn’t have to spend his Fridays with us, but he chooses to. He gives this beautifully wrapped present with golden and silver paper and an iridescent blue ribbon, and when you open it, warmth, kindness, and compassion flow out and envelope you in all that is good in the world. He is an example of what is right with the world, and with his great dedication to his Friday groups, he changes lives, simply by being Adam. That golf lesson is a gift 🎁 that is priceless. A box full of cash or a case of diamonds 💎 is worthless in comparison to what I experienced. Adam, thank you for your extraordinary talent that you shared. Thank you for just being there. Golfing on a warm sunny Friday in early September with Adam- that is now a cherished memory and a testament to how wonderful life can be if you let go of the past, and leap into a world of wonder. 

Breathless Brushstrokes and Unique Beats: Immersive Van Gogh Exhibit

When I awoke I feel compelled to tell you all

What I heard, felt, and what I saw

The cascading prisms of color and sounds bounce off the wall

Off my legs

And into my heart

From the start

The sight and sound

Was utterly profound

This art blended with motion and music puts me in a trance

And it makes me want to dance

The way I feel as time goes by

I watch the colorful images and I want to cry

The stroke of genius it took to create

Is something I could never replicate

The tone of the song

Changes the tone in my ear

The tone in my heart

I encounter the art as an out of body experience

It’s so beautiful

It’s so perfect in execution

Its conception is astonishing

While I struggle and grasp at words to describe what I’ve seen and what I have heard

I uttered

So quick and quietly

Did I live that experience or was it a dream?

It would seem to me that I was there

But nothing can compare to being blinded by the enchantment

That kind of blind

I don’t at all mind

It took me somewhere else entirely

And in those fleeting minutes that felt like moments I felt completely free

In those moments that I shared with the man that I love

Felt sent to me from up above

Whether you believe in the divine or you don’t

Won’t you go to the immersive Van Gogh

and encounter the joy for yourself?